But, what about the M that were mutually unhappy?
Is there something to be said about whether or not we were all "happy" when A's took place. I'm just sitting here thinking on a Monday...
I know for a fact, WH and I were absolutely miserable for last 3 years when all his A's took place...My profile will explain.
What about you? Were you happy?
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:11 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
He would tell me in MC after DDay that he was not at that time, and he wished that he could have seen what a cry for help it was.
Status - Divorcing
The week before dday I was at work talking about my life with a co-worker. I said I couldn't believe my life was so wonderful, that I was so lucky but afraid that something bad was gonna happen....
BAM...it hit me lol, dday! I was happy,in my fairytale mind... but I was in such denial. My life was a sham and I had my head so far in the sand I couldn't breathe..
SO happy, on the surface.
Now, I am blessed. It takes time and lots of hard work. I don't think it matters if you were outwardly miserable or hiding the dirty stuff under a rock. If you and your partner want, really want R it will happen.
If you don't, he doesn't...you will still find happiness liberty, just down a different path.
All the answers will come in time, the dreaded 4 letter word.
I don't think it matters if the M was miserable. It's time to go to counseling then or file D, but an A? I think an A just guarantees a M ending as that is what they are designed to do.
My WH always says to me "but I never envisioned my life without you" Um alrighty then! I guess he was planning on just having girlfriends on the side
Prior to him starting the A, our M had undergone many "critical life changes" including a new baby and move away from a big family/friends. We were not talking about things to the extent we needed to be. Many boundaries were being crossed. My response would be to blow up or retreat and go into silent mode. The majority of the time I did the latter. I grew to resent him.
Sickening enough, when his A was coming to a close, I was considering one. I did not know who it would be with but I felt very lonely and in need of attention. That is the first time I have ever written that. I have told my H this.
By 2012, he was "back". He seemed more attentive, loving. He was actually being much more emotional. When he got angry, he would express it. It took me by surprise. My fantasy of some other person, dwindled. I still felt something was missing between us but could not pin-point it. There were more good times then bad. More togetherness then not in 2012.
I am so glad I discovered the A in Dec. 2012. We have another shot at our M. We really want R.
Thanks for asking the question. Guess I needed to get this out.
[This message edited by LA44 at 3:52 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
[This message edited by hobbeskat at 3:51 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
In retrospect, I can't say I'm shocked about her A although I was certainly devastated at the time. I guess it's easy to say in hindsight.
That said, I don't want to engage in a revisionist history of our M. We did have a lot of good times over the years including the birth of our children.
In the end, it really doesn't matter whether we were happy or not. Cheating is never an option.
[This message edited by phoenix54 at 3:58 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
I too, felt the same, flirting with the idea of a A. But, I know I wouldn't do it. The thought still makes me feel wanted and desired. But, I like the part that makes me a good person inside too much to do it.
I now have taken off the rose-colored glasses and see my marriage in a whole new light as well as my WH#2. He is a very selfish man with more issues than I know how to deal with. He can be very loving most of the time, but there is always the extreem selfishness and lack of self-esteem there now that I didn't see before his A. I guess we switched places, now he acts happy and I am now the unhappy one in the marriage. I really liked my rose-colored glasses and miss them everyday.
Gotta love the life that we livin'
When he had his EA, I was totally happy - but that's the thing, it was my personally being happy. My job was great, overall my own life was going well...but I was blind to the fact that my husband was miserable and that my happiness made him feel even worse. I projected my happiness onto him, which is especially easy to do when you only see someone twice a week.
Both of us agree, that had I not caught him, he would have continued on, and we probably would not be together today. One of the things that he frequently tells me, is that he is so grateful that he got caught. I think that he was trying to get caught, personally. He is an IT specialist and I'm not that good with technology. Yet everthing I needed to catch him was right at my fingertips. I just had to look. He also admits that he should have listened to me when I asked him to see a doctor for depression or to go to counciling. Ah well, water under the bridge ....
As scarring as this last year has been, as much as it just fricking hurts, we have something better rising from the ashes. Could we have built this new relationship without such a shocking end to our old relationship? I don't honestly know. And that's a bitter realization.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I would have been devastated, but I sometime wish he'd asked for a divorce rather than cheat. Maybe we could have fixed it, I don't know. But bringing that third person into it all really destroyed me. Everything is different now as you all unfortunately know also.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
Well didn't my wish come true! (should've wished for a lottery win instead!) of course - I was not relieved, but devastated and set to work to save the M.
We were both miserable for years, resentful of each other and not willing to sacrifice for each other - it was a vicious cycle.
[This message edited by NoraLee at 8:59 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
Shirley Glass, infidelity recovery guru , says As happen in good Ms when there are poor boundaries.
I loved my W; I thought she was the cat's meow, without being blind to her faults.
W was happy with me, without being blind to my faults, but FOO issues prevented her from being happy. She met the wrong person, let down her defenses, and our lives imploded.
[This message edited by sisoon at 9:06 PM, May 13th (Monday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
I wanted more hugs, kisses, Os and such, but our house is busy and full of love. I never suspected anything.
Now I know "why" he considered it an option and he knows "why" it was never an option in my eyes.
My point...., I think you have to have something to salvage. You can't rebuild a mirage. And, as someone on SI has a tag line that says something like: 'If you don't have a good foundation, don't bother trying to fix the roof'.
Quite frankly this is probably the most confusing part for me. My wife can be a fun person to be with, but not a very good wife. I don't think it has much to do with her ability to be either, just a choice of her preference I guess. Its tough for me to wrap my thoughts around rebuilding a relationship that didn't favor a marriage. There is not really much in the past that I really want.