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5 years from DD, major trigger, opinions please..

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broken123 posted 5/13/2013 16:45 PM

So, long story as short as I can make it.
First a little history. My Wh and I have been in R for almost 5 years now, and during this journey we have learned how to communicate in open honest healthy way, however this battle we are in now is not resolving as quickly, and I would really appreciate any opinions (2x4's).
Wh had a ONS with my BFF's (then) DD when she was barley 18 years old. It was a huge double betrayal, and even beyond, We removed BFF, and her 5 DD's, 1 pf which was WH OW from my life. I had known BFF for 10 years, our families where very close. We where more like sisters' rather then just BFF. I had OW and her newborn infant living with me for a period of time, I was like a mother figure in all 5 DD's lives, and sometimes I miss BFF and the other 4 DD's, but I could never miss or want anything to do with BFF's DD.
WH and I have worked very hard to R, MC, both IC, as well as FC. Both of my DD's where older and considered OW a "cousin" and know of the A, they needed explanation as to why we could no longer be around OW, BFF, and the other 4 DD's. OW told my eldest DD about the A, and eldest DD told younger DD. It was such a mess! We ended up leaving our home and moving over 800 miles away. We have had to rebuild EVERYTHING from the ground up, BUT now we have something so much better. ( My DS's where to young to remember and we still haven't told them, yet. They know we had a struggle, and that WS and I separated for awhile, but they do not know of the betrayal. I feel they are still to young (9 & 7) to completely understand, and our FC feels that I am right and will tell them when the time is right. )
I feel as though I have finally forgiven, have been open, responsible for my part in the marriage, and we have all healed. WS and I have R'D, rebuilt our relationship, and our family. ( we still have up's and down's, but they are the everyday normal ups and downs of life, and family.) I feel that I trust WS, and I do trust that he would never have another A.
So here is the issue..
Youngest DD who is 13 has BFF who we have let into our lives. Sleep over's, family dinner's, she has been with us on family vacations, out to eat, family BBQ's, you get the picture. This past Saturday I noticed that DD's friend was being very friendly with WH, I didn't think anything of it, but then she started to suck on a lollipop putting in and out of her mouth and asking WH to look at her, I triggered instantly. (I know my WH would never do anything with a child, but what happens when she turns 18?) I waited to talk to WH after the kids where in bed, and DD's friend had went home. I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE with this situation, I've tried to explain this to WH, but he feels I am being unreasonable. His feeling are hurt, and he feels that I am trying to control him, and by taking away my DD's friend I am punishing her. However, I am not going to stand by and let someone in a very similar cloak destroy my family. I feel very threatened by this. I was so blind sighted last time, I never thought something like that would have happened. Looking back, hindsight is always 20/20, I remember a very broken little girl even when she was in her teens, pursuing my WH. Our M was bad, she slipped in and took advantage of the situation. I still hold WH has always struggled with boundaries. There is specifics that really stand out, like WS saying that OW as a cute little girl, and OW giving him a "thank you" CD of favorite songs, and WH calling her to tell her thank you. Even though there was nothing there sexually until she was 18.
So SI community, what do you think? She I stop DD's BFF from coming over to my house? I don't want to damage my daughter or punish her for WH's past actions, but I do not see myself being comfortable around this type of situation ever again. I have yet to have make a close friend, although I want too, and I am working toward this, but I have different views on friendship now, any friend of mine or WH need to be a friend of our marriage.

Lifechange posted 5/13/2013 17:24 PM

Wow, broken123, I get the picture. I would feel the same way that you do.

Frankly, I would not want this girl around the house, either. I'm not saying that's the best thing to do, I'm just acknowledging that I would also be uncomfortable with it.

Sometimes it's hard to balance our discomfort with being careful not to harm others. I do feel this girl should be protected, though, just in case.

Hopefully, someone here will have some more practical advice for you.

I don't think you're overreacting. I would feel the same way.

His feeling are hurt, and he feels that I am trying to control him, and by taking away my DD's friend I am punishing her.

HIS feelings are hurt. He had an A and HIS feelings are hurt. Never mind YOUR feelings? Never mind the child's welfare?

YOU are punishing her???
From some viewpoints, you would be protecting her.

Your WH needs to step up to the plate and own up to his failures and weakness.

Our WH's brokenness just never goes away, does it?

I'd be curious what course of action you decide to take.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/13/2013 17:31 PM

I don't think you are being unreasonable and even if you were, you can't help it if this is a trigger. I think your WH should show you he understands why it's a trigger and he should support you by having no communication with this little girl. Girls will be sexually provocative. They start advertising that they are available without even really understanding what they're doing. That's not an excuse for men to take advantage but it's darn good reason for them to stay out of the zone of danger. Your children are going to have friends but they don't need to have their girlfriends around your WH. Your WH doesn't need to be friendly with other females... Period.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 5:33 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

lilflower1000 posted 5/13/2013 17:54 PM

I am sick thinking about what you are going through.
My ws was with a 22 year old who looked like she was 15. Now whenever one of my stepsons ( 16 and 18) bring a girl around I watch him like a hawk. I know he is not a child molestor, but if he could be with a 22 year old that looks 15 why couldn't he be with a 15 year old that looks 22 if he doesn't ask her her age? I mean if you have no values you have no values!
Sorry for being so negative, but almost every girl I know has been abused in some way in their teen years(or younger) by a grown man. No one wants to believe it is their family members doing it. Our husbands have both shown that they are walking that dangerously close to that thin line in my opinion.

Rebreather posted 5/13/2013 17:59 PM

What your husband needs to do is look directly at this girl and say, "I don't understand why you think it would be ok to address me in that fashion. You are a child, I am a married man, and that's not funny nor appropriate" Shut that shit down, cold.

If he doesn't understand that is proper to do, then I think you have a larger problem than this girl.

Lifechange posted 5/13/2013 18:01 PM


First, I reread my post, and it sounded harsher than I intended. I apologize. I empathized so much, my tendency was to lash out.

Second, I see it was your DD that your H felt would be punished, not the DD's friend.

It sounds like you have good insight into the situation.


Tearsoflove posted 5/13/2013 18:43 PM

My daughter was around 14 when she made a new friend who slept over often. I had an older son, a son-in-law, and my husband frequently in and out of the house. The new friend came from very different upbringing and her mother bought her those boy cut underwear and short nighties for bed. She would get to our house and change for bed and her butt would be clearly hanging out of the shorts. But she was a kid who probably had no concept of how provocative her clothing was. I took her aside and explained that when it was just us girls around the house, she could dress however she was comfortable. But when the boys and men were here, she was to be covered to avoid anyone being uncomfortable because of how much butt we could see. She didn't get upset with me and thanked me for telling her. From then on, she wore lounge pants or longer shorts when the guys were here.

My point is if the girl's behavior is inappropriate in your house and your daughter is very close to her, you might let her know that you won't tolerate that type of behavior and she won't be invited back again if it happens anymore. Explain that you do not flirt with someone else's husband or boyfriend. It's obviously a lesson she needs to learn and you may be the only one willing to explain it to her. My guess is that girl is desperate for male attention (absent father, uninvolved father, etc) and you'll be the first person to call her out on it.

As for your husband, well, your kids are going to have friends come in and out of their lives. You can't ban every friend or girlfriend to keep him from misbehaving once they turn eighteen. To me, your best course of action when behavior is inappropriate is to note the behavior and let the offender know you saw the behavior and you won't tolerate it. Explain what your consequences are for similar behavior in the future and enforce it if it happens again.

Incidentally, the girl I described is still my daughter's best friend and I love her dearly. She appreciated any guidance I ever gave her because she had very little at home. She is now engaged to a pastor's son. Sometimes, those of us who are interested parents are the only guidance some of our kids' friends ever get.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 6:45 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Tearsoflove posted 5/13/2013 18:43 PM

I swear I only hit that button once...

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 6:44 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

MissesJai posted 5/13/2013 19:00 PM

what TearsofLove said...times 10. Spot on....

Offhispedestal posted 5/14/2013 00:06 AM

In my case ow was not so young.
But the same thing happened at my house and I put a stop to it. I told my H and he said that he noticed our DD friend getting flirty with him and he left the room when he noticed it. What angered me was that he didnt want me to tell Dd that her friend was not welcomed over our house again and I was being unfair because he fucked up etc... Well it's about respect ! I said I dont give a shit and blew up over it and said it was final.
About 1 yr later one of my DD friends asked my H if they were hiring at his job, he works for the city so there are hundreds of different departments. He put in a good word for her and she got hired in catering. Well she was thrilled and thanked my H. No big secret. She also posted a big thank you on Fb thanking her "dad" for putting in a good word. I thought this was harmless., but then one night it was almost 1 am and he gets a text and it was her!! Telling him how extremely grateful she was blah blah.. I was like umm ok wtf is going on! I took his phone and told him I AM ANSWERING AND THIS STUPID SHIT STOPS. I was blunt and cut to the chase. " hi sweetie, I'm glad that you are happy at your new job and it was nice you thanked my H twice. But it's Friday night, almost 1 am and you are texting a married man and you are 19 yrs old.i believe our daughter confided in you and told you that like almost 2 yrs ago he had an A. So you can see how wrong this looks on your part. My H never replied after the first thank you.he totally understands why I felt that way. He felt really embarrassed that I texted her but she apologized with a huge message. That was the end of that. So don't feel bad, you are not crazy or imagining things.your H probably did not respond to this 13 yr old. But there are lots of young teens that are broken, seek negative attention and yes they can and will screw a 40 yr old man without blinking.

It's not that your H will peruse a 13 yr old,it's about respecting

broken123 posted 5/14/2013 11:25 AM

First Thank you for all the replies.

Lifechange, I understand the lash out, that was my first instinct as well. I appreciate your input.

ladyogilvy, I agree, there is no need for my WH to be friendly with any females.



broken123 posted 5/14/2013 11:52 AM

oopps, didn't mean to post so quick..

Rebreahter, I agree he should have shut it down. He did walk away with out a word, embarresed, and stayed away for the rest of the night.

Tearsoflove, Thank you, This is the approach I will be using. You are right this young girl, does not come from the same background that we have here, and I don't think she realizes how much her actions, effected me. I am glad that your DD BFF is still her best friend, and that the situation worked out. It gives me hope, that this too will work out.

Offhispedestal, It is about respect. Your story about the young 19 year old calling your WH, and the way you responded is exactly how I want to respond to this situation, thank you.

WH, and I ended up having a "blow out" about this, because I felt so vulnerable to this situation. Our road had not been easy, but we are so much better then we where even before the A. I haven't even triggered for quite a while now. This was a surprise for me and my WH. After I realized that this really isn't about my WH, it is about the situation. I am not ok with anybody, in my house acting inappropriate, in anyway! (Rather it is with clothing or sexual gestures.) My WH agrees with me. He feels very uncomfortable, and respects what ever decision I make. However, I didn't feel validated in my feelings or my trigger at all, and so I started to fight for my rights, to have him "be on my side". After I read the replies here, I realized I was "fighting" about the wrong thing. I do trust that my WH would never do anything like he did before, and I also believe that my DD friend, doesn't understand the full extent of her actions.
The next time she is here, I am going to explain to her that, that type of action will not be tolerated in my home, ever. If she ever acts that way or in any other way that is inappropriate, she will not be welcomed back to my home. period. My WH says he will shut her down in her tracks if she ever does anything that would make him, or I feel uncomfortable. I feel satisfied with this now, and again want to say thank you for everyone's advise I don't know if I could have got to the root of the problem without the advise.

idkam posted 5/14/2013 12:26 PM

Your post just brought me back to when i was a teenager and my bff's father(s) would come on to me whenever i spent a might at their home...YUKE...

I wish u and your hubby the best and its my prayer that ur husband isnt encouraging this lil girls behavior in any way......

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