So, long story as short as I can make it.
First a little history. My Wh and I have been in R for almost 5 years now, and during this journey we have learned how to communicate in open honest healthy way, however this battle we are in now is not resolving as quickly, and I would really appreciate any opinions (2x4's).
Wh had a ONS with my BFF's (then) DD when she was barley 18 years old. It was a huge double betrayal, and even beyond, We removed BFF, and her 5 DD's, 1 pf which was WH OW from my life. I had known BFF for 10 years, our families where very close. We where more like sisters' rather then just BFF. I had OW and her newborn infant living with me for a period of time, I was like a mother figure in all 5 DD's lives, and sometimes I miss BFF and the other 4 DD's, but I could never miss or want anything to do with BFF's DD.
WH and I have worked very hard to R, MC, both IC, as well as FC. Both of my DD's where older and considered OW a "cousin" and know of the A, they needed explanation as to why we could no longer be around OW, BFF, and the other 4 DD's. OW told my eldest DD about the A, and eldest DD told younger DD. It was such a mess! We ended up leaving our home and moving over 800 miles away. We have had to rebuild EVERYTHING from the ground up, BUT now we have something so much better. ( My DS's where to young to remember and we still haven't told them, yet. They know we had a struggle, and that WS and I separated for awhile, but they do not know of the betrayal. I feel they are still to young (9 & 7) to completely understand, and our FC feels that I am right and will tell them when the time is right. )
I feel as though I have finally forgiven, have been open, responsible for my part in the marriage, and we have all healed. WS and I have R'D, rebuilt our relationship, and our family. ( we still have up's and down's, but they are the everyday normal ups and downs of life, and family.) I feel that I trust WS, and I do trust that he would never have another A.
So here is the issue..
Youngest DD who is 13 has BFF who we have let into our lives. Sleep over's, family dinner's, she has been with us on family vacations, out to eat, family BBQ's, you get the picture. This past Saturday I noticed that DD's friend was being very friendly with WH, I didn't think anything of it, but then she started to suck on a lollipop putting in and out of her mouth and asking WH to look at her, I triggered instantly. (I know my WH would never do anything with a child, but what happens when she turns 18?) I waited to talk to WH after the kids where in bed, and DD's friend had went home. I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE with this situation, I've tried to explain this to WH, but he feels I am being unreasonable. His feeling are hurt, and he feels that I am trying to control him, and by taking away my DD's friend I am punishing her. However, I am not going to stand by and let someone in a very similar cloak destroy my family. I feel very threatened by this. I was so blind sighted last time, I never thought something like that would have happened. Looking back, hindsight is always 20/20, I remember a very broken little girl even when she was in her teens, pursuing my WH. Our M was bad, she slipped in and took advantage of the situation. I still hold WH has always struggled with boundaries. There is specifics that really stand out, like WS saying that OW as a cute little girl, and OW giving him a "thank you" CD of favorite songs, and WH calling her to tell her thank you. Even though there was nothing there sexually until she was 18.
So SI community, what do you think? She I stop DD's BFF from coming over to my house? I don't want to damage my daughter or punish her for WH's past actions, but I do not see myself being comfortable around this type of situation ever again. I have yet to have make a close friend, although I want too, and I am working toward this, but I have different views on friendship now, any friend of mine or WH need to be a friend of our marriage.