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Why do I still love him?

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SusanR posted 5/13/2013 16:45 PM

i should be really angry but i actually feel sorry for him. i think he has some kind of sickness but no matter what he did, I could never trust him again.

i have been unhappily married since DD1 which was three years ago because i could never completely trust him and the romance was gone.

I still don't want to see him hurt. what is wrong with me? He has broken my heart three times and I still can't stay mad at him.

hurtmotherof2 posted 5/13/2013 16:53 PM

i'm going through the same thing right now.. our Dday was 3 years ago.. he has lied to me since and betrayed my trust since then and I still feel like i love him and feel sorry for him. I know i gotta do what is right for me and our boys but when i'm around him and see the hurt look on his face i get weak..

Try to stay strong.. i know it's hard but that's what i'm trying to do.. ((hugs))

SBB posted 5/13/2013 17:18 PM

You love the idea of him. You love the man you thought you married.

You're struggling to reconcile the two - I think we all do.

Their fuckery makes it easier. I remember feeling my love for him leave my body in drips and drabs.

My husband died. TBH I still love that man to this day, even though he never existed. I'm still mourning him.

But, my eyes are wide open now. I do not love this guy. I loathe him for what he is doing to my girls but I don't loathe him anymore. He is irrelevant to me.

I suggest you have a read of the co-dependant thread just in case you find anything familiar in there. I don't wish happiness or hurt for the sad clown. I don't wish anything - except maybe healing for my girls sake. I won't hold my breath though. He is too far gone.

persevere posted 5/13/2013 19:19 PM

I feel the same way as SBB. Stick with NC, completely. ((Hugs))

Ashland13 posted 5/14/2013 20:18 PM

At times I still feel that, too. Even with all I know, with all the pain, still those old feelings sneak in.

One aspect of those feelings I've been told that helps is the thought that it could be somewhat of a maternal instinct that a BW develops for a H over the years?

Like, I don't think I have romantic love and I don't think I have physical love, so what other kind could it be and why? And what comes back is the maternal love idea.

Yes, the post that says we love the image of the guy we married is good, I've felt that and it helped me understand why I've had trouble letting go.

I suspect that even when some feelings are taken away, like trust, I suspect that because we are so complex as humans, we can still love...but it's not the innocent love as before but maybe a different one.

I find myself drawn to imagery lately. I find some of my writing changing, and some of my speaking is changing also. I don't know if this will help anyone, but I have this image in my mind that I will share, where it's the feelings that are left for STBXH that remain but have nowhere to go and no one to receive them any more.

I think of it kind of like a treasure box or jewelry box, where in my mind I have to put those feelings away. Maybe if they are in a safe place and locked away with a key, no one can hurt them any more and I can protect them and continue trying to move on.

That's a goal I have and I may go out and get a little decorative box and hide it somewhere.

Dawn58 posted 5/14/2013 21:07 PM

HI SusanR

I love the man that I thought I married. I had no idea that the man I married was broken. that he was incapable of truly loving another but was only concerned about getting his needs met. I am trying to learn as much as I can about Narcissism, because that is what I married.

I am trying to reconcile the man I married with the cheating pig I left. No one saw this coming. I had no idea he was having an affair and everyone I told has been shocked.

He is a master deceiver, blames others and just moves on. I was just an unfortunate victim of his brokenness.

I don't trust him. I am angry that he never gave the marriage a chance, that he was dishonest with me, that he lied to me. I am angry at her for approaching my husband, but he took the bait.

I miss my life, I miss the marriage I thought I had, I miss loving the man that I thought he was.

Right now, I want him to bear the consequences of his actions. My hands are tied right now and that infuriates me.

I have loved him for 8 1/2 years and unlike him, I can't just turn off my heart. It will take time. When I remember who he really is (a lying cheat), how he treated me the last few days I lived with him (with total contempt) and the lie that our life was together, I don't miss him. I don't want him in my life. Even if he wanted to reconcile, the trust is gone, the pain is too great. There's no going back.

Jayne Doe posted 5/14/2013 21:17 PM

Because you are a loving person, Susan.

And you deserve so much more than he can give you.

fallingquickly posted 5/14/2013 22:53 PM


I understand. I don't hate my WH. I hope he has a good, happy life. I hope he is more honest with his next relationship. I can't live the way he wants to. I mourn the life we had together (the real parts and the ones I imagined) and what was supposed to be. I have no idea what life holds for me.

We will always be tied. We have two wonderful children. I hope to someday attend their weddings, be around to play with their children. My WH and I will see each other at these times. I hope that we can be happy for each other once we find whatever happiness we can separately.

Phoenix1 posted 5/15/2013 01:15 AM

I also understand. No matter how big of a dickhead POS has been and continues to be, I would be lying if I said I didn't still love him....deep down. I can never trust him again, he is toxic to me, and I am much better with him gone, but I invested almost 30 years of emotions into him, our M, and our family. I have strong emotions in general, and it is simply not possible to turn those emotions off like a faucet. I am detached, and have been for over a year, but I still love him under all the rage and detachment. I have simply chosen to follow my head and not my heart...

Sue1964 posted 5/15/2013 14:01 PM

I have same problem still love my h bu so much hurt and no remorse on his part.when he's nice I remember the guy I loved for 24 years not this ass hes turned into.

nowiknow23 posted 5/15/2013 14:07 PM

((((SusanR)))) Your feelings aren't on a toggle switch, honey. It takes time, distance, and actively pursuing your healing.

Take care of yourself.

movingfast posted 5/15/2013 14:52 PM

I've actually accepted the fact that despite the hurt and the destruction caused by the broken man stbxwh has turned into, a part of me will always love the man I married. We shared 14 years of marriage and brought 4 wonderful children into this world...I can't hate him.

It was easier for me to accept that this was the kind of person I am rather than fight it. Our entire marriage wasn't a sham, I know that. I also don't regret the day we got married because he is the father of the children that are my world. It's like the Garth Brooks song that in order to miss all the pain, I'd have had to miss the dance.

Don't beat yourself up right now while emotions are still raw. Give yourself time and you will know, in your heart, what your true feelings are...just don't let those feelings do anything you might regret.

ShockedAndHurt posted 5/16/2013 14:21 PM


I still love my WH very much. The broken trust hasn't sucked the love out of me. There were wonderful times together, two beautiful children and 13.5 years of companionship. It's a lot of good to remember and I hope that we can be friends.

We are human and complex and it is a credit to you that you love him and wish him well.

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