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Sex After- Not even married a year

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BrokenNPieces posted 5/13/2013 19:23 PM

Before my husband and I were even married for a year he cheated on me. He confessed in January and at that time we were intimate and I was ok. I wasnt as messed up as I am now. Fast forward to April and I found out that he was still meeting with her. He told me that he was meeting with her because she was threatening to show up at his job because she did not want to end it. Now he comes to me and wants to be intimate and I am not ready Everytime we are having sex the only thing that I can think about is him being with her. He is nasty to me. I went into the restroom after it was over and cried. How am I suppose to move forward in my marriage if I cant be intimate with him? I already think he is still talking to her even though he swears up and down he has cut it all off but I dont know what I believe. How do I trust him how do I move forward in my marriage if I cant do this I am wasting my time. Please help. WS are allowed to contribute.

PurpleBirch posted 5/13/2013 19:41 PM

Oh dear. I was just talking about this in my thread... I haven't been intimate with WH since he confessed. Whenever he tries to kiss my neck, I feel like a whore. I can't imagine actually having sex with him right now.

I think it sounds like what your WS is doing is abuse. Please, you don't have to take it. You don't have to sleep with him.

Skan posted 5/13/2013 19:44 PM

Sweetheart, I hear your pain. Of course you can't trust what he says. After all, he's a proven liar and cheat. If you believed the words coming out of his mouth, that would be insane. And he's a unremorseful liar and cheat. He has you convenced that if you don't perform sex at his command, then something bad will happen.

Thing is, it already has happened. Your marriage has been expanded to three people you, him, and the OW (other woman). And he's gotta be feeling like the Cock of the Rock because he now has you for sex and to take care of his "married" life, plus he has his Hot New Exciting Chickie to screw his brains out with, with no carries or worries. Why? Because if it doesn't work out with her, well, you're plan B.

Sounds pretty damned aweful, doesn't it? Soul crushing, as a matter of fact. Fact is, though, you can't move forward, backwards, or any where else in your marriage right now. Because you're the only person that's acting like a married person. He's already left you, mentally and physically. He just comes home as a base. He's already moved himself out to the OWs place. And even if he HAS cut off all contact with her, his mind is still there and he is still treating you like #3.

Please look at the upper left corner for a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library in that box and start reading. There's a lot of good advice there from people who have walked your path before you. Any post in this forum that is marked by a bulls-eye is also something that you should read. You are, legitmately, in shock right now. Take care of yourself. Eat, stay hydrated, try to rest. You sound like just the nicest lady in the world to me. But you're going to have to get strong, get angry, and decide what you absolutely must have, no bargening, to stay in your marriage. Thank God it looks like you don't have children yet. Your investment in this flawed piece of real estate is still somewhat small. You don't have to make any decisions yet, but at some point, you're going to have to decide if it's worth throwing more into the pot or if you need to pull out before you're bankrupt spiritually.

Please keep coming back for support. It's so very, very hard. We all know. But we're here for you. (((hugs)))

BrokenNPieces posted 5/13/2013 20:08 PM

Hello everyone thanks for your response. Im sorry I left some things out he is remorseful and has told me that he wants to be me and only me. He lets me know where he is going and if I am suspicious I dont bite my tongue. If I think he is lying I call him on it. I was trying to see if I could actually be with him and I know right now I cant. I can really see he is trying because when I was asking for a MC he kept saying he would but never did; however now he has made an appointment and we will be seeing her next week. There has been so many lies and now everytime he tells me something I think he is lying to me. This has totally broken my heart. I had so much hope for our future and no not so much

brokensunflower posted 5/13/2013 21:54 PM

i know how you feel hun when I caught my husband it took me a while before I had sex with him again .. take time to take care of yourself first hun he can do his own laundry and what not .. he has to man up

Skan posted 5/14/2013 14:01 PM

I'm sorry for the mis-understanding. And yes, it took me a long time before I could undress in front of my husband again, let alone be sexually intimate with him. I felt like the fat, ugly, old wife and my body and sexual confidence was non-existant. Let alone the mind movies about what he was doing with someone else. (((hugs)))

omgnome posted 5/15/2013 10:11 AM

My wife had two EAs, as best as I can tell she started them both within a month before/after we got married. I discovered them five and 8 months after our wedding date. I didn't realize when I had my first DDay that it was really a DDay or that it was actually an EA. After the second we went through some HB. That lasted maybe a couple months. Then it just stopped, I realized that I wasn't comfortable being intimate with her. She refused to give me the information I needed to heal and did no real work to R. Anytime we discussed her EAs she basically shut down and didn't want to talk about it.

Since there was no work done in R, there was no work done in rebuilding trust. There was no work done to rebuild the emotional intimacy so I have no desire to open myself to physical intimacy.

Ultimately it is your choice whether to be intimate or not, don't let your husband try to guilt you into it, if you are reluctant now I think it is totally normal. Just tell him your head isn't into it. My wife tries to guilt me once a month by letting me know how long it has been since we are intimate, I don't think that's very supportive and so it really doesn't encourage me to open up to her.

If your husband wants to R, is putting in the work, he should understand if you are having a rough patch and try to work through it with you. He should be understanding. Healing takes time and support.

[This message edited by omgnome at 10:13 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

wifehad5 posted 5/15/2013 10:14 AM


WS's are not allowed to post in Just Found Our per our site guidelines. If you want me to move this post to General where anyone can respond, please send me a Private Message or let me know here

LOSTinaBook posted 5/15/2013 13:45 PM

hugs to you, broken.

I also was cheated on in the first year of marriage--it is a cruel and unfair thing to go through as a newlywed.

Right now, you get to take all the time you need. Do NOT feel guilty about that. If he is serious about repairing your M, he will back off sexually. I told mine I would be sleeping alone indefinitely, and he just had to be okay with it because HE was the one that screwed up.

MC is a step in the right direction if he is serious. I would also require him to see an IC as well. Again, if he's serious, this should be no problem.

Hang in there, take it one day at a time, drink lots of water, eat/sleep when you can. You WILL get through this, with or without him.

Pippy posted 5/15/2013 15:56 PM

My advice will not be popular - cut your losses and run.

If he is cheating on you already, he will do it again. Life is too short and I suspect you are young enough to move on and find happiness. You deserve better.

lostintally5581 posted 5/15/2013 17:49 PM

Unfortunately for me we did the whole hysterical bonding after d day. It lasted weeks it was like I couldn't get enough and now almost 6 months out I can't get the thought of WH and OW out of my head while we are intimate. Every situation is different. Just take it one step at a time. When you are ready your not let your WS pressure you into having sex. I need my WH to talk to me and about me during now because obviously he can have sex with I need to know it's more than just sex for him with me.....if you ask could see oompa loompa you would understand .......

haleyscomet posted 5/15/2013 17:50 PM

I already think he is still talking to her even though he swears up and down he has cut it all off but I dont know what I believe.

Ask him how he ended it... U want specifics / details... Tell him he said it was over BEFORE and it wasn't -- so you need reassurance...

You'll know if it makes sense or if its bullsh*t lies...

omgnome posted 5/16/2013 14:16 PM

I didn't want to go there, but I agree with Pippy. I'm just shy of a year after EA#2 and for my sanity I'm headed towards D.

Your wedding is supposed to be a grand confirmation of your relationship. If they are willing to cheat on you right around the wedding, what is going to stop them down the road?

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