I think it sounds like what your WS is doing is abuse. Please, you don't have to take it. You don't have to sleep with him.
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
Thing is, it already has happened. Your marriage has been expanded to three people you, him, and the OW (other woman). And he's gotta be feeling like the Cock of the Rock because he now has you for sex and to take care of his "married" life, plus he has his Hot New Exciting Chickie to screw his brains out with, with no carries or worries. Why? Because if it doesn't work out with her, well, you're plan B.
Sounds pretty damned aweful, doesn't it? Soul crushing, as a matter of fact. Fact is, though, you can't move forward, backwards, or any where else in your marriage right now. Because you're the only person that's acting like a married person. He's already left you, mentally and physically. He just comes home as a base. He's already moved himself out to the OWs place. And even if he HAS cut off all contact with her, his mind is still there and he is still treating you like #3.
Please look at the upper left corner for a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library in that box and start reading. There's a lot of good advice there from people who have walked your path before you. Any post in this forum that is marked by a bulls-eye is also something that you should read. You are, legitmately, in shock right now. Take care of yourself. Eat, stay hydrated, try to rest. You sound like just the nicest lady in the world to me. But you're going to have to get strong, get angry, and decide what you absolutely must have, no bargening, to stay in your marriage. Thank God it looks like you don't have children yet. Your investment in this flawed piece of real estate is still somewhat small. You don't have to make any decisions yet, but at some point, you're going to have to decide if it's worth throwing more into the pot or if you need to pull out before you're bankrupt spiritually.
Please keep coming back for support. It's so very, very hard. We all know. But we're here for you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
my give a damn is busted
Since there was no work done in R, there was no work done in rebuilding trust. There was no work done to rebuild the emotional intimacy so I have no desire to open myself to physical intimacy.
Ultimately it is your choice whether to be intimate or not, don't let your husband try to guilt you into it, if you are reluctant now I think it is totally normal. Just tell him your head isn't into it. My wife tries to guilt me once a month by letting me know how long it has been since we are intimate, I don't think that's very supportive and so it really doesn't encourage me to open up to her.
If your husband wants to R, is putting in the work, he should understand if you are having a rough patch and try to work through it with you. He should be understanding. Healing takes time and support.
[This message edited by omgnome at 10:13 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]
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The people you do your life with shape the life you live
I also was cheated on in the first year of marriage--it is a cruel and unfair thing to go through as a newlywed.
Right now, you get to take all the time you need. Do NOT feel guilty about that. If he is serious about repairing your M, he will back off sexually. I told mine I would be sleeping alone indefinitely, and he just had to be okay with it because HE was the one that screwed up.
MC is a step in the right direction if he is serious. I would also require him to see an IC as well. Again, if he's serious, this should be no problem.
Hang in there, take it one day at a time, drink lots of water, eat/sleep when you can. You WILL get through this, with or without him.
S (H e) B E (L i e) V E (d).
If he is cheating on you already, he will do it again. Life is too short and I suspect you are young enough to move on and find happiness. You deserve better.
I already think he is still talking to her even though he swears up and down he has cut it all off but I dont know what I believe.
Ask him how he ended it... U want specifics / details... Tell him he said it was over BEFORE and it wasn't -- so you need reassurance...
You'll know if it makes sense or if its bullsh*t lies...
Your wedding is supposed to be a grand confirmation of your relationship. If they are willing to cheat on you right around the wedding, what is going to stop them down the road?