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Hope for a bleak-looking future

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HURTAGAIN1981 posted 5/13/2013 19:52 PM

Hello all,

I decided to dip my feet in the NB forum. Although I am still struggling with letting go of ex I know that it is the only way forward for me and it has been really inspiring to hear some of your stories over here and it gives me hope for a better future with someone else.

I have recently rejoined the OLD site that I met my ex on. I know I am not really ready for a new relationship yet, but I am trying to look at it as using this time for laying the groundwork to meet some decent people. It has been nice to chat to some people there and I am noticing a big difference in how conversations are starting off as opposed to how it did with my ex (very sexual in nature from the outset) as many of you will already know.

I am also trying to spot/look for red flags in what people are saying so hopefully I will learn to spot these more efficiently in the future.

I am interested to hear from those of you who have found new relationships since leaving your ex's wexh's. How did you meet?

I guess I am having trouble with the thought of meeting someone else. Do you run at the first sign of a red flag?

I read the thread 'Settle for the best' which was helpful. But how do you REALLY know what the best is? How do you know it's not another rotten potato?

persevere posted 5/13/2013 20:00 PM

I think you have a much better shot to not settle for less than the best if you yourself are healed and ready. That's only something you will know.

I started dating someone I met on Match eight months ago, he was only 5 months out from his D at the time, I was a year ahead of him.

We just broke up because he had been gradually backing away because it was too soon for him to be in a LTR. In reading baggage reclaim about emotionally unavailability, I believe I picked him because I also am not ready. The hard part of that is that all we did was delay our own opportunity for healing in the meantime. I've now decided to take a break from dating for a while, definitely not actively pursuing with OLD, etc. So, just be cautious you are doing it for the right reasons. ((Hugs))

InnerLight posted 5/14/2013 00:56 AM

I'm glad you find the NB forum inspiring.

I think it's hard to imagine how much we shift our perceptions about who we are as we start our lives over in NB and heal from the pain. It's worthwhile to really explore hobbies and new ways of being healthy that you enjoy as they give you clues as to parts of yourself that might be underdeveloped but that express talents and areas where you shine. If you give yourself time for your own growth then when the time comes for a relationship the chances of finding someone who sees and appreciates your unique greatness is much more likely.

Don't lay groundwork for your next phase in life in a dating site. Invest in your personal development and lay the groundwork there.

Be sure you are strong enough to endure the pain of a breakup before you start a relationship otherwise we will find ourselves making compromises we don't really want to make.

We will all be here no matter what you decide. Probably half of us would say we ignored advice to wait to start a relationship.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:58 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

wildbananas posted 5/14/2013 01:08 AM

I met my XSO at a PTA meeting (our kids went to the same school). It was soon after ex-asshat and I split for good.

I didn't run at the first red flag. Or the second. Or even the third. It was only after we'd been living together for two years that I finally ran from that abusive man.

It's so much harder to spot the flags when you aren't fully healed and ready to move forward. There's no rush. Focus on you first. An NB is about so much more than dating.

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