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No contact letter?

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mainlyinpain posted 5/13/2013 21:21 PM

I keep reading about no contact letters. Can someone tell me where to get info on these such as examples or how the WS writes it and what it should include? Thanks.

Hearthache again posted 5/13/2013 22:51 PM

My husband sent one to OW#1 after dday 1. It was simple and to the point and not personal at all. It stated he wanted no contact with her. If she contacted him or me again police would be called. It also listed our regular schedule at our home church. She had a pattern of showing up at our church when he tried to break off contact with her in the past.

I think the more impersonal the better. It sends the message that the AP meant nothing to them. Also send it via registered mail. That way you have proof that it was received. We also gave a copy to our church so they had it on file if she showed up there again.

mainlyinpain posted 5/14/2013 10:02 AM

Thanks Heartache, I still need to get the facts of his latest DDay so until then I don't even know what he did, what it entailed, who started it again, what he has already said to her...on and on and on...but I know I want some decisive communication of an ending. How do you know though that the NC letter is really it and they don't turn around and communicate to say OH my spouse made me send is what I really feel....

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/14/2013 10:56 AM

I've been reading here a long time and to be honest, the clear majority that send NC letters and/or claim they've ended the affair are lying. They've simply backed off of their affair partner for a little while until the dust settles or they've just gone much deeper underground to avoid further detection. Most will also warn their affair partners that an NC letter is coming because their wife (or husband) has made the sending of an NC letter one of the conditions of reconciliation.

That's why I really don't put much stock in NC letters at all.

tushnurse posted 5/14/2013 14:02 PM

We created a new email account, and sent one that simply said.
" Homewrecking Whore(ok he put her name there)
I have made up my mind to work on my marriage, and my wife has been gracious enough to let me try. Please do not contact me by any means from this point forward, as it will not help in my venture.
Thank you,
Mr Tush "

He then gave me access to this account, and let me change the password to one he wouldn't know so if she did respond I would know first.

This was the NC that stuck.
Keep it simple, make him honor you, and send it.

Skan posted 5/14/2013 14:25 PM

The one that we sent was pretty simple, and was sent by the same means that he used to contact her.

C, I lied to you. I am a married man. I want no further contact with you. I am committed to healing my marriage and to my wife. Do not contact me again. Signature

Worked for us.

Hearthache again posted 5/15/2013 23:04 PM

In my situation I know it worked. About 4 weeks after she received it she posted all over myspace that the relationship was done blah, blah, blah. She also was no longer allowed at my MIL and church. Our church put it on record. And as of just 6 months ago she still tells people she can not attend our church because of the situation. She listened to the letter. Don't have to worry about it anymore she has moved out of the area.

He didn't send one after dday 2 there was no need. The A already ended about 6 months prior. She lived over an hour away and is not allowed on work property again due to her firing for drug use.

NoraLee posted 5/15/2013 23:37 PM

My H wrote the NCtext to COW - I read it - it was important that it be in his words so I could gage where he was at mentally...I was set on divorce and actually told him not to go NC - why lose both of us?

After the NC text was sent, she wouldn't stop texting. So he changed his number - and then upgraded his iPhone to be able to install findmyiphone. In the process, all texts were lost. This makes me sad - I would've liked to keep his NC text

In essence - it said they were done. That I was the only one that mattered and that she was never to contact him again - by text or at work.

She responded that he owed it to her to tell her in person and he replied "I owe you nothing. The only person I owe anything to is Nora. I want nothing more to do with you. Don't contact me again.

Oh how she tried. I didn't know about SI so I didn't have the guidelines...he should have ignored her responses - but in every reply he expressed his love for me and how he was stupid to have risked me for her. I needed to hear that.

This is from the healing library under FAQ's for WS's...

Q: What Is A No Contact Letter? Submitted by Deeply Scared
A: How ever the affair has been exposed, whether by discovery by the BS or confession from the WS, there must be proper closure to the affair. An agreement must be set up between the BS and WS that all contact with the OP must end and it must be permanent. The WS is in no position to bargain or make deals with their partner and try to keep the OP somehow active in their life. The WS must commit to the No Contact agreement and confide in their partner if the agreement is broken or if the OP has contacted them.

Writing a No Contact letter to the OP is the best way to end the affair. The WS is the one that writes it to the OP. There really is no format to it, except that it should be written by free will by the unfaithful partner. This isn't a "goodbye lover" letter...but rather should consist of stating that you are committed back to your relationship, that the A is over for good and there will never be contact again between them. It should be short and to the point, and the WS should state how selfish the affair was and how it caused tremendous pain to the BS.

Now, of course this won't be taken seriously by the OP if the unfaithful partner has had continued contact...this is a serious step towards reconciliation and it should be treated as such.

I would also let the WS know that you'll be reading the letter prior to him/her mailing it...there should be no hidden messages or hints that the WS will miss the OP. A letter is probably the best way to get closure for everyone involved...if you have your WS email or phone the opens it back up for the OP to respond...and that's what you are clearly trying to avoid.

There should be NO apologies and NO attempt by the WS to soften the blow. While I allowed my H to write the NC text, I reserved the right to "approve" it.

Btw - my NC stuck - H has been faithful and no contact since August 12th, 2012. In spite of feeling tempted 2 weeks later during a family funeral...he remained NCand has come out of the fog more and more the longer he's been free of her influence.

haleyscomet posted 5/16/2013 00:43 AM

First of all --

How do you know though that the NC letter is really it and they don't turn around and communicate to say OH my spouse made me send is what I really feel....

Yup - exactly. I listened as my WXBF left a voice-mail that told OW "I love my GF... Lose my number..." and it was ALL BULLSHIT -- meant NOTHING... he kept in contact with her.

I say if they are busted and scared of losing you that alllllll they need to do is IGNORE OW/OM and OW/OM will get the message...

Not discounting Transparency -- I say that whenever OW/OM makes contact they hand phone/email over to you and IF you chose to you tell OW/OM where they can go... or leave OW/OM hanging....

TOO F*CKIN' BAD FOR WS & OW/OM - they blindsided us so they don't get due notice IMO.

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