Good morning, everyone!
I pray you all are doing very well or as best as you can be for whatever you may be going through today.
I truly hope today is better for everyone no matter what stage of R (or healing) you are in right now.
Well, H and I had "the talk" I mentioned I was going to have with him last week. I was trying to wait until we were alone on Saturday but H could sense I had something on my mind and wanted me to talk to him right away.
He was expecting our usual Q & A session. However, I was ready to let the past go and start focusing on today.
Before letting him know verbally that I was ready to release him for the offenses of the past and what that meant to me (not letting him off the hook in being accountable for today and our future together), I did ask him several more times if there was anything else I needed to know.
H stated he couldn't remember anything else that needed to be shared because he felt we discussed everything so far. However, I let him know that in moving forward, if anything is bought to my attention that he knew about and chose not to disclose, that I was done, because I am making every effort to move forward in this process with him and if he knowingly omitted anything, then it was over for us.
I also shared that if any more A of any kind take place, I am out....not up for discussion, none of that....I will not keep wasting my time on issues like these after dealing with so much and being together this long (16+ yrs). I am not getting younger and don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this. NO WAY!
Nevertheless, I think he is kind of numb and may not necessarily believe yet that I am done w/the digging of yesterday. However, I did make it known if I feel the need to dig regarding anything going on today or in the future, I am letting him know up front I will.
Well, I've been much happier and freer since having "the talk" with H on Friday evening. However, I am noticing that he is withdrawing more since I told him I forgave him.
We spent Saturday together for Mother's Day instead of Sunday bc our children were out w/close friends and we took advantage of that alone time but all day Sunday, he was acting weird.
He hasn't been sleeping well and was up till 1 in the morning last night. I feel like he is regressing a little now that I am moving forward.
He told me about a co-worker who commented before his group how "handsome" he looked as soon as I saw him yesterday and he told me that he told one of his FF that he would not be contacting her as much because he didn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. Yet, it seems like he's been in another world.
This morning, I found a note in the kitchen written in crayon with the month of August written on the top of the paper and his email account written underneath, w/the word, "Lord," as if he was writing out a prayer and I took a snapshot of the paper found and sent it to my surveillance email account.
I am a bit concerned bc the month of August is when he went NC with my fBFF 9 months ago and I am wondering if he is missing her.
Nevertheless, with how strange he's been acting the last few days, I am still choosing to keep my joy and focusing on building myself up and not allowing him to take me down the path of emotional hell I've been on. Yet, my guard is still up and I am not turning a blind eye to anything strange I am noticing.
I hope I am not reading into everything since I do have a way with doing that sometimes...and since the A, don't let anything go under the radar....but for the most part, I am glad I am able to move on within myself.
I think my moving forward is kind of leaving him to have to deal with his own self now that he doesn't have to fight with me about what's going on with me...or at least I hope so.
Nevertheless, I feel better releasing him and am watching as well to see how his behavior will be now that I am not on top of him (with all the questioning) like I used to be (even though I will question if something doesn't sit right with me now).
In this new phase, I feel to watch and learn him for where he is now, something I wasn't able to do before because of dealing w/all of the pain of the past.
[This message edited by h0pe4ul at 5:18 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]