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codiath posted 5/14/2013 05:18 AM

Let me start off by saying reconciliation is progressing but I feel like I've hit a wall in rebuilding trust. The two A's in which it got physical. Neither person was aware that my W was M. I feel that due to this they were innocent in the A. I feel this changes things opposed to them knowing about me. I was referred to as the ex. I feel the need to tell them that she was and is married since she didn't let them know after asking her to do so before she changed phone #s etc. Not only that, but being that the trust was shattered. I feel that talking to them(not in person because I can't be sure I won't want to hurt them) could validate her story of what happened and be a big step in rebuilding the trust. I'm aware it may backfire but I'm as prepared for that as possible. I know everyone's situation and personality differ but I'm Looking for people who have done so regardless the outcome. Thanks in advance.

HereWeGo62 posted 5/14/2013 06:32 AM

I did contact the OM but he knew my FWW was married. Nothing good came from our contact, and when I was finished talking to him I felt nothing but rage. I then dedicated the next 3 months of my life to destroying his career and his relationships with the people around him. I was extremely successful at this, He then moved 3000 miles away.

I know to some this may seem like I got payback but I can honestly tell you it does not feel good. I wasted so much time and energy and I feel like I sold a piece of my soul for vegence.

If you are going to contact the OM to try and find out more info then please be careful what you ask for. It is quite possible that you only have a small amount of the truth about what really happened during your W affair. IMO I would leave the OM out of it and concentrate on your WW, she was the one that was supposed to protect you and your marriage.

RockyMtn posted 5/14/2013 07:02 AM

I was in touch with OW. It was helpful to a degree. She lied in our meeting. My WH was still lying, too. But it actually helped a bit in the sense that I had a couple of stories to work with. Honestly, it felt incredibly good to ask questions of someone OTHER than WH. He wasn't deserving of my undivided attention when it came to the A. I was on a mission to construct events and OW was critical. Even if he had been an honest guy (which he hadn't), I still think hearing these things from the other person involved can be confirming. Or they can raise questions but at least you have more to assess.

I also think the fact that the OMs were not complicit in the lying means that you have as good of a shot as anyone to get some real answers. They aren't proven liars like married OM or OM who know the W is married.

sisoon posted 5/14/2013 10:06 AM

A polygraph would probably a better way of getting at truth although it's not foolproof.

Breaking NC hurts the R process in many real and potential ways. Your problem is with your W, so leave the oms out of your recovery.

codiath posted 5/14/2013 11:02 AM

Thanks for the responses. There will be NC between my W and OPs. I'm just going to contact them via text or email. I understand this could hurt R but I am willing to take that risk in order to rebuild trust. Trust is the most important thing to me in any relationship. The stories she has told me don't make sense so buy hearing from OP I can fill in the blanks and hopefully get some validity to my wife's story. She has lied to me since Day. Although they were small they were lies so I feel the need to confirm the truth.

Wonderingwhy11 posted 5/14/2013 12:40 PM

I did finally contact OW. I didn't want to contact OW at first because I thought if I did they would have continued contact. I thought OW might contact WH. After finding an email exchange a year after DDay dated 3 months after DDay I felt the need to contact her. I wanted to know why they continued to contact and when and why it finally ended. I never got an answer from her other than I realized it was stupid (exactly what WH said). I wanted to know who ended it first and did not get an honest answer from OW. I think I got some truth but she denied a lot. Now looking back I wished I didn't contact OW it created more distrust (as if I trusted WH) and anger at WH and OW. But I know I would have had the what if questions if I didn't contact OW. The real problem was not the OW it was my WH. Reality is the OP does not care about you - only about saving themselves. After a while I realized I needed to let go of the anger in order to focus on R. I needed to get to a place OP didn't matter - this took awhile.