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notsosureanymore posted 5/14/2013 06:11 AM

I found out today that my wife has been chatting through text and recieved two 50 min phone calls with in the last week I just checked her phone they are long distance numbers so it is not physical. Unless it is a cell phone, Im shaking. It has been a long day. We talked earler on monday and she said she has been texting on her game with people and thinks she wants out again. I waited now to check her phone and there was some text but most of it was threw to chat form of her game I am crushed. It has been 7yrs since her affair, she said she wants out, but we don't have no money for it. She says she wants to find a job so she can get her own place,. I never delt with the first affiar well at all. I could use some advice again. I will try and get back on later today. I just may be ready to give in and leave.

vistainc posted 5/14/2013 08:23 AM


Unfortunately I am still stuck trying to muddle through my own mess to offer much help, but wanted you to know you were heard.

My first thought was for you to seriously 180 her. If she really wants to go, there is nothing you can do to make her stay. Just take care of YOU!


OK now posted 5/14/2013 08:38 AM

Well, its going to be a waste of time trying to persuade her not to move out since her mind seems to be made up.

Two rational choices.
1] Seek MC to talk over the issues that have led to this crisis. Both of you need to be prepared to change your stance towards your relationship. Beg or borrow the money, its your marriage thats at stake.
2] Take a firm, hard ass approach. Do the 180, do not beg or plead, cooperate in helping her to move. Maybe when she has had a few more affairs [thats whats going to happen], she will develop an appreciation for her former life with you; maybe.

Either way its going to be traumatic and painful; be prepared for that and keep posting for advice throughout.

simplydevastated posted 5/14/2013 09:07 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this again. You already know you have a great support group here.

I second what OK now said in #2. I think the hard-ass approach is the best way to go right now. 180 to protect yourself.

Sending (((HUGS))) and strength your way. Keep posting, it helps.

Ashland13 posted 5/14/2013 09:08 AM

This is really good advice and also some of the hardest things in life to do.

I've had to let go of Wh while he opted out of M and chose OW. I worked like a dog at the beginning to get him home and he was very clearly on the fence.

But if a WS is jumping off that fence onto OW/OM side, anything a BS says will likely backfire. And actually, anything I said or did fell on deaf and blind ears and eyes. This was long long ago and I do nothing now, but sometimes learning these things first hand is the way it has to work.

My threshold came when I would finally learn of an issue, try to fix it, only to get hurt more.

Yes, if you can find a way to "support" your Ws wishes, in a bizarre way you will come off in a better light than arguing. It will also be less drama for you and any family or kids, in the long run.

I think of STBXH kind of like a big kid, who I have to stand and watch make his mistakes, because he's spit on me and rejected any of my help.

Sorry if it's harsh, but sometimes I've also needed that sense of reality.

I think your W is searching for something she thinks her life needs, when it's probably her M she needs, but no one can tell her that but her, if her mind is thinking this or that and she's convinced herself.

STBXH convinced himself that changing the people in his life would solve his problems, but it didn't-it made them worse and bigger and he's hurting more and more people along the way.

And, if she stays living with you while you are both all mixed up, how good will it be for you or her to make choices and process your own thoughts so that you can work together, if you are both pent up inside and she's possibly still doing stuff without your knowledge?

I wish you luck and peace.

notsosureanymore posted 5/14/2013 09:15 AM

Hello thanks to both of you, I just revisited the healing library, I am going to 180 as best i can, the thing is she has no money and I am the one who is working so she has to be here for the kids, for childcare. again this morning she said she will not give up her phone and will continue with her chats with whom ever she wants, and to get ready for what will probally be next. I brought it up yesterday because she was so distant, when she mostly told me how she feels about me Her phone book show two 50 min calls in the time frame so yea i guess I will 180, I feel like going to be a trucker and just leave. I will ask her for MC but it will cost as i am hand to mouth still. Thanks for any advice. I havent posted here for some time but mostly read for help intorverted.

notsosureanymore posted 5/14/2013 09:20 AM

ok simply and ash thank you so much also, I have been up all night so I am having a hard time and she is just about back from droping the kids at school I may try to nap before work this evening. TY to all.

simplydevastated posted 5/14/2013 09:30 AM

she said she will not give up her phone and will continue with her chats with whom ever she wants, and to get ready for what will probally be next.

If that's what she said, then take her at her word. Get yourself ready. Go see a lawyer, most offer free consultations. Get your ducks in a row. If she's not working what does she mean by get ready for what happens next? Is she looking to already move in with someone else so she can continue to not work?

How many children do you have, and what are their ages, if you don't mind my asking.

I've already started to look around for childcare options for my two when I can leave. It gets expensive. Some schools have a before/after school program.

I'm not sure how MC would help. She sounds like she already has one foot out the the door. If anything, I would seek IC instead, but that's just me.

Tred posted 5/14/2013 09:35 AM

Damn. I swear that is the worst - they rip your heart out, see how bad it hurts you, and can still do it again. Mate, take care of yourself. You've been given good advice - see a lawyer for a free consultation, detach, do the 180, start focusing on you. Act like it's a business situation and one partner has been embezzling, take your emotions out of it. I'm so sorry for you.

notsosureanymore posted 5/14/2013 09:41 AM

I dont know she said she can move to her girlfriends place we loaned her enough money, but we are a couple of weeks from the school year 6th grade 8th and 11th. I really don't know what to make of her she came back just now and seen me closing the pc went back in the restroom so she can message all she wants it is not unlikly for her to stay in there a longtime. i tried to sleep but just shake. Yes I will go look in to legal advice. She said she will be fair with me?

nowiknow23 posted 5/14/2013 09:44 AM

((((notsosureanymore)))) I'm so sorry. You remember the drill - take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, try to get regular sleep, and move your body in some way (running, biking, walking around the yard) so you can work off some of the stress.

Keep posting. We're here for you.

1Faith posted 5/14/2013 10:33 AM

Not So Sure


The 180 is easier sad than done as we all know.

One thing you said made me want to reply.

You cannot do anything to make her come back. We can't control the will of others. No amount of being kind, nice, forgiving, etc will woo them back.

This is a choice your wife is making. A terrible choice but a choice. She has to want to come back, want to be real and want to put the effort in you and your marriage.

I think it is a fabulous idea that she get a job. Pay rent, bills, etc. The grass is still green on the other side but now she will have to be responsible for paying for it.

((((gently)))Your kids are old enough to take care of each other or themselves. Or perhaps after school programs.

Sounds as if she has a lot of free time on her hands for chatting, etc.

As hard as it is be strong. Allow her to see all you have provided her and your family. If you can do the 180 perhaps the fog will lift and she will willingly return to you remorseful and ready to work for a better relationship.

Good luck. You deserve truth and honesty.

OK now posted 5/14/2013 11:58 AM

Since she has no money I presume you pay for the cell phone rental. Then discontinue paying for it; thats whats meant by a hard ass approach.

If she wants a phone of her own then get a job. No reason why you should pay for her 50 minute phone calls when home finances are tight. She wants out and all you can do is hold the door open, but don't give her a helping hand if she trips over the threshold. Stop being the victim and show her that you won't tolerate being treated as one.

Skan posted 5/14/2013 14:18 PM

^^^^^ That was what I was about to say. Cut her phone off. Don't pay for her ability to show you disrespect. My FWH had two options. Either I had all electronic passwords and complete access to them at any time I wanted, or the electronics went into the pool. He chose wisely.

notsosureanymore posted 5/14/2013 14:40 PM

She paid her phone with finacial aid which has ran out. I just can't believe i am going through it all over again and she is unremorsful. We sat at the table and she answered most all of my questions, and stated I should move on because it is over there is no going back, according to her. So at this point I have been awak since yesterday I most likly will not work a full shift tonight if i can get out of it at all. I think I need to rent an apt and throw a mattress on the floor and just sleep tomorrow if i can. I was spooning her yesterday in bed and every thing was cool, untill we bought it out. and I wish i could hold her again. But I already said I wont. And she cant cary on and she said she wasnt asking. So just like that Im done. I don't think i could stay at a motel it would be a waste of money I should just try and rent a place. Or stay put and do the 180 here and sleep in the basement. But the kids are here. She want us to split and i think it would be best for her to be with the boys for now.

soverybetrayed posted 5/14/2013 14:52 PM

So she paid for her phone with financial aid but if the phone got lost then she can't text anymore and can't buy a phone...? hmm.. flush the sucker down the toilet, take it out and smash it under the tires a local store, throw it in a dumpster someplace away from home. I would be damned if I would let her sit and text some POS OM in the home you share.

If she wants out then let her get her ass to work and get her own place, why should you leave? She is the cheater and needs some tough consequences for her cheating ways. Pack her crap in garbage bags and leave it outside the front door and tell her to hit the bricks, move on down the road and live in a homeless shelter if she has to but you will NOT pay for her to live in the home. Time for you to get tough and make her leave. Your kids need a decent parent and you are it.

notsosureanymore posted 5/14/2013 15:03 PM

soverybetrayed ok thanks I really needed that,she is better with the kids because I am he bad guy who makes em clean and do homework less vidio games etc. but I work from 4pm till 2am at a not so great job. so i have noone. but my big boy whom i don't want to say anything to today yet. but he could help with his brother i know. But really what legal recourse would take place if i did bag up her stuff. She about to go to her class and yes i thought about losinfg the phone under a tire and I have the guys numbers to his cell I wrote them down this morning before I confronted her I guess his last texts said he was going to reconcile with his wife and he hasent answered her It could be a play between them too.

notsosureanymore posted 5/14/2013 15:04 PM

sorry about my spelling and grammer i dont have it set up or i am foggy today too.

5454real posted 5/14/2013 15:51 PM

Go dark brother. Give her nothing to latch onto. Don't talk to her, don't hug her, don't kiss her ass and above all NO AFFECTION. Save it for the boys. She knows you are willing to be plan B, you were once, right? She will know all the moves to get you to take her back.

Strength. It's gonna take a lot.

I've got more, but will get into that later. Right now, focus on you and the boys. Don't doubt you are the better parent. She is Not one. What parent willingly takes the other parent out of their childrens lives for their own selfish needs. Talk about emotional abuse. And just to make it worse, she's doing it again!

ETA punct.

[This message edited by 5454real at 4:30 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

OK now posted 5/14/2013 16:13 PM

You love your wife but she doesn't love you. This gives her a power over you which invites abuse, which is just what is happening.

The disrespect has got to the point where she amuses herself by being cruel, like a child pulling the wings of an insect. She knows you are in pain and hurting badly, so she taunts you by saying its over, I'm leaving.

Sadly it indicates they you have little self-confidence or self-esteem left, or you wouldn't tolerate her infidelities and abuse; let alone give her a phone to contact her would-be lovers.

Basically, you have to have a decent opinion of yourself; love yourself, be proud of what you have accomplished to neutralize this disrespect she is demonstrating. That is what you need to work on, or continue to take the misery she is heaping onto you. Anger my friend, at the treatment she is doling out and the small amount of value she places on you and the marriage.

By the way, she should leave not you. If you end up in a doss-house, paying alimony and child support with no prospects, tell me how you are going to be better off.

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