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Separation that includes children

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SimpleTruth posted 5/14/2013 07:46 AM

If you are separated, how often do you see SO? Are you NC and why?

We are separated, but I'm not sure I'm doing it right. He comes over 2-3 days a week and sometimes we hangout on the weekends. I moved out because he wasn't doing what was necessary for us to move forward with R. I've been gone for 2 months and he's still not doing it.
He's still acting in selfish ways and being financially irresponsible. He doesn't seem to realize it. I've been hands-off. I don't tell him what to do. I want him to change because he wants to change. He's focused on fixing our marriage rather than fixing himself.

My other question is how do I go NC? I want to go NC because every time he does something remorseful-like i become hopeful and then he does something that is extremely opposite and Im crushed. Example: I didnt ask for it or even suggest it, but he wrote timeline and left it for me with a flower so i would find it on my car in the morning. On the same day, he was supposed to come over to visit after work. Instead of coming right over he sends text message that he's going bowling and would be coming by afterwards. Why would he do that if he supposedy wants to be with me and DD?

We have a 3 year old DD.
I really don't think he's having or continuing affair.

cletuswv posted 5/14/2013 08:26 AM

I am going through the exact same thing...WW told me on Friday, she wishes she could feel more for me but does not, so it looks like the end of the marriage...yesterday we had a great time together with the kids, which makes it hard to vanquish hope, but she does not want this so my motto now is ...detach and heal

I keep a rubber band around my wrist and when I start to feel something for her I snap it as a reminder that she is done with hurts, but it helps.

FooledtwiceTX posted 5/14/2013 08:37 AM

I'm in the same boat and would love to hear from others who have come up with a successful arrangement so you can keep NC but still allow WS time with the kids. My WH comes over almost everyday, picking my son up from school and playing soccer with him until I get DD from daycare and get home. I think it is probably healthier for me if we saw less of him, but I also don't want to take that time with his Dad away from my son. I am going out of town this weekend for a much needed Girls Weekend and plan to try to implement a more concrete schedule with him when I return. Cletus- I do the rubber band trick too! My wrist is getting raw...

SBB posted 5/14/2013 10:29 AM

I put as much distance between myself and him as I possibly could.

The schedule is designed to achieve just that. Handovers are done via daycare/school. When I do have to see him it is very briefly and I'm focussed on my girls.

Right now you're in limbo hell. It stops when you say it stops.

Why on earth are you allowing them to cake eat? There's an emotional bakery as well as a physical one.

No family time, no hanging out.

They put out these piss-weak crumbs to keep you on the hook. Plan B, a backup plan.

Hell no. Not on my watch.

It is so common there's a whole chapter on it in the Cheaters Handbook. Read the "Hoovering" thread.

Stop letting yourself get sucked back in.

TXBW68 posted 5/14/2013 11:15 AM

I put him on the state standard visitation schedule, with permission to attend school/sports functions. He happily signed the agreement I wrote.

Part of the agreement was no overnights until he had a suitable 2bedroom apt of his own. He was originally living with friends. Until he got that apartment, I allowed him to "hang out" with the boys at our house. I would leave - go to the gym, out with friends, whatever. This may be a good solution for you since your DD is so young. Or you could just stay in a different room while he's there.

Once he got the apartment, I refused to allow him in the house anymore. It got to the point where he just dropped the boys off at the street, never got out of his car.

Phone calls only in an emergency, so they were rare. Texts and emails about kids/finances only. I set up a shared Google calendar to put up the boys' activities. That way, I didn't even have to remind him about their games.

We eventually got into a routine. We weren't arguing all the time. I was finally able to distance myself and heal.

IMO, you will never be able to go 100% NC while you are co-parenting. But using texts/emails instead of hearing his voice and not "hanging out" with him while he visits your DD will help you survive this mess.


SimpleTruth posted 5/14/2013 11:41 AM

If there is NC at all, how do you eventually move towards R?
I thought a BS was supposed to distance themselves from situation, but also give WS a chance to show them the changes they are making?

TrustGone posted 5/14/2013 13:11 PM

I guess if you are planning on R from your seperation that is a whole different situation than if you are heading for a D and attempting to detach. I don't really know how successful you can be to R while seperated. That seems like a cake eating situation to me, but thats just my opinion. If he is being remorseful and showing you that you and the children come first than R is possible. However if he just wants his time and fits you in when it's conventent for him than that is not really working toward R. You need to define with him what this seperation means and what you expect to happen, otherwise he will continue doing what he is doing.

TXBW68 posted 5/14/2013 13:49 PM

We have reconciled after our 10 month separation. But it wasn't planned. We separated so he could chase unicorns in fantasy land with OW4. She lives 1600 miles away so their relationship was all text/phone/chat. But he said "this is the path my life must follow now." They planned for her to move here. Yeah, right! They were only physically together 4 days during their 8 month lurve affair.

I tried to talk some sense into him. Nothing worked. He was convinced she was his true love. I finally detached and started healing myself and taking care of my kids.

The day that I told him I was "finally done" and ready to divorce is the day he pulled his head out of his ass. He broke down - "What have I done!" I did not know at that time that they had already ended things. Over the next month, he promised to be a better dad and eventually said that he was ready to try with me again.

We began dating. Eventually sex too. Then Christmas Eve, he slept in our bed for the first time since April. By the end of January, the boys stopped formal visitation because he was with us every weekend. He formally moved in on Feb 21st.

None of that was planned. Getting back with him was very hard for both of us. We questioned ourselves and each other with every baby step we took. I'm still not 100% secure. But he does everything possible to make sure that I am. He is doing the work - recognizes all of his bad behavior now as disgusting. He doesn't ever want to become that person again. He is truly a remorseful husband now.

I wish I could tell you that there is a magic potion to make everything work out for you, but there's not. You BOTH have to want it. It's not impossible. But having been in your shoes not too long ago, I would still go NC until you see real actions that show you he wants to be in the marriage. That he's willing to fight for you - the real prize!

Good luck!

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 4:11 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 5/14/2013 15:02 PM

I do not talk to STBX. He does not step foot in this house during the exchange of children. He does not even come to the door, he stays in the car at the curb. We occasionally communicate via email, but that is largely unsatisfactory. I no longer try to communicate verbally because every single time I've tried to talk to him he yells at me in front of the children.

I don't talk to him because he's not a safe person. We don't hang out because I have no desire to R with him, nor does he wish to R with me.

Housefulloflove posted 5/14/2013 15:19 PM

My WH comes over to visit the kids 2-3 days a week. Obviously that means I can't go completely NC but I try to keep as much distance as possible.

We don't really talk outside of "hi" and "bye". Occasionally we will be in the same room for a period of time but I make it a point to not even look at him. If he speaks to me, I give him the minimum response and try not to say anything that might encourage a conversation. Whenever I fail at that and actually converse, I regret it almost immediately.

Lately he asks me almost every time he leaves with the kids if I want to come along as well. "Thank you, but no thank you" is *ALWAYS* my response.

Basically, I act like he's a ghost who haunts my house on a regularly scheduled basis. I ignore him, I stay away from him, I only acknowledge his existence very briefly if he talks directly to me and immediately go back to ignoring the ghost of my STBX.

velveteer posted 5/14/2013 16:45 PM

I don't know about S with a view to R - wasn't my path.

I have been S now for not far off two years. I see WXW probably two or three times a week at handovers and texts are almost daily. We coparent as best we can I guess given her disorganised and selfish lifestyle, but I ignore the bullshit and focus on the kids. There is no more finance stuff for us to discuss so is just kids - arrangements and any other kids related stuff.

Its as NC as it can be in the circumstances and I'm not bothered about seeing her - indifferent to her now. Maybe that's just time, but to be honest it never bothered me that much - what used to bother me far more was her acting out in a selfsih and chaotic way - now I just don't engage. I had to learn that but i'm a pretty quick learner.

Don't know if this helps, but you can arrange schedules and handovers to meet your circumstances. If you can't stand the contact then handovers at school etc. Then keep all other communicatiosn to email or text and engage only on kids and money issues. NOTHING else.

Alternatively do as I/ we did and just do what needs done and again engage only as necessary. It gets easier but then I am S and will be D soon enough. Its final, so this is how it is from now on. If you are looking to R then others will have better advice.

SimpleTruth posted 5/15/2013 07:58 AM

Thank you all for sharing.

I'm going NC, except for communication about DD. Also setting up strict visitation. I told him yesterday and, of course, he threw a huge tantrum, but I didn't give in!

I'm sure I'll be asking for more advice in the months ahead. Again, thank you all for sharing.

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