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Ashamed14 posted 5/14/2013 08:33 AM

This is actually the first time I have posted. I've read so many WW threads that helped me and now I'm the BS. I hope you will indulge me a post in the WW section b/c my feelings about being a WWS definitely feed into finding out last night that my husband has been having an affair.

I'll start from the beginning... my husband has been verbally abusive for as long as I've known him. I really got worse the last couple of years. We have a child with severe ADHD, which will challenge any marriage. He has been physically abusive with our son. We started marriage counseling in Feb. 2012, but gave up after it became apparent he was only going to appease me. I gave up hope and wanted to escape my life. I got on websites and met with various men. I never wanted an emotional affair and mine was only physical.

On June 30, 2012 he found out. I didn't come clean about everything at once because I was afraid of him. So, the facts trickled out. During the 2 months that we were trying to work things out, I didn't know what I was going to get from day to day, hour to hour. Sometimes anger, sometimes he wanted an open marriage. The worst was when he called me any horrible name you can think of, insulted me in ways that he knew would hurt me, hit me, choked me, humiliated me, made me perform sexual acts on him, threatened to kill me, ruin my life, my business, take our children away, kick me out of the house. I was truly afraid of him, but I stayed because there was no way I was leaving our children with him.

We started MC in September. There were a lot of ups & downs but the experience was truly wonderful. He took responsibility for his actions that led me to a place to cheat and he started Anger Management therapy. He started acting again like the man I fell in love with. No more outburts. We still have issues to work through. I was horrible shamed and needed to work through my guilt. We wrote forgiveness letters to each other asking to be forgiven for each specific act that we did to hurt each other. Finally the sun came out and I thought we made it through the storm. We had our last session with our MC in early May.

Last night I found out that while we were working through our problems and going to counseling, he was having an affair. Just one women, emotional. He had dates with her, took her to dinner, bought her flowers and he loved her. Supposedly they ended things just last month.

So now I'm the BS. And I feel guilty all over again, like this is all my fault. If I hadn't cheated, then he wouldn't have cheated. I'm getting what I deserved. Only I thought we were finally a team again, working to make our marriage even stronger and now I find out I was the only one really working.

I'm trying to get an appointment this week with my MC. I'm lost. Any advice? I'm completely numb.

Ashamed14 posted 5/14/2013 10:48 AM

Just to clarify, his affair was physical as well as emotional.

tired girl posted 5/14/2013 11:13 AM

This is what is called a madhatter situation. You are not responsible for his affair, even though I know if feels that way. It is going to take some time and probably some IC for you so you can work through some of that.

More importantly though, has the physical abuse in the home stopped towards you and the children?

whatjusthappened posted 5/14/2013 12:02 PM

Ashamed,

I'm also a MH (madhatter), and I also had my A first. Like you, we also have a severely ADHD son and understand what extreme stress that situation puts on a marriage. It's something that many people can never comprehend.

And like you (although maybe you don't realize it yet), my A and my son's special needs have nothing to do with my H's choice to have an A. Yes - those things caused a lot of stress and pressure, but your WH chose to deal with that stress and pressure in a really unhealthy way.

First things first - has the abuse stopped? Both of you and of your son? Is your son in any kind of therapy or under a doctor's care (for the ADHD and the resulting issues)?

I don't post a lot anymore, but I take a great deal of interest in your post because of your special needs son and because of how deeply I relate to that. Please PM me anytime if you want to chat more about that, or about dealing with that and being a MH at the same time.

(((Ashamed14)))

scared&stronger posted 5/15/2013 08:51 AM

While I do agree payback is a bitch....I do not agree that your affair was a pass for him to do the same thing. We are all responsible for our own choices.

sodamnlost posted 5/16/2013 11:35 AM

No stop sign so I hope this is OK - BS here.

First - the abuse - has it stopped? No action you EVER do warrants that kind of abuse. EVER.

There were a lot of ups & downs but the experience was truly wonderful. He took responsibility for his actions that led me to a place to cheat and he started Anger Management therapy. He started acting again like the man I fell in love with.

Maybe I am hypersensitive but this seems like a whole lot of blame here. His actions did not "lead" you to a place to cheat. His actions should have led you to divorce court, you chose an A instead. This viscous cycle WILL repeat until you OWN your A and take action to get to your why's.

Are you both in IC?

revelationx posted 5/16/2013 13:06 PM

Have you considered that he too might have ADHD it is hereditary and a structural condition in the brain rather than environmental. It would explain some of his behavior - you might want to do a checklist online and see.

Physical abuse should not be tolerated. I am a WS that then I guess the term is now madhatter situation, as I opened the door she went out and got revenge, freedom whatever you call it, but it isn't healthy or fair.

My friend said to me that you need to be open and honest and admit your mistake, he will have to come to the realization that he too did not handle this well, but that is his battle to fight not yours.

Yes it can all be maddening, but none of us are perfect and admitting first to yourself your faults is a start to a better life for you.

Ashamed14 posted 5/17/2013 10:08 AM

Thanks for your comments/feedback. I should clarify my previous comments about "led" me to the A. I have always been 100% responsible for my choices. I absolutely agree that the respectful/responsible action would have been a separation/divorce. I chose the selfish and cowardly way. He takes responsibility for his part in our marriage getting to a bad place and for his verbal abuse.

Yes, the other abuse has stopped. It stopped before we went to MC or I wouldn't be here anymore. Anger Management was a major part of our counseling and he has been working really hard and I've seen great improvement in how he talks to me and the kids.

We met with our marriage counselor yesterday for 2 hours. Not a fun experience, but I've decided to give it another try. He didn't leave me. I'm going to give him the same courtesy as long as I know there is no further affairs or communication with the OP, that I see effort from him and that he is actively involved in the process this time.

If there is ever anything worth fighting for, its your marriage and family, right?