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"If I don't date, I don't get hurt" Your thoughts?!

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Exit Wounds posted 5/14/2013 10:22 AM

Hey gang,

So now I am thinking... "If I don't date, I won't get hurt."

I am curious as to how do you guys feel about that in your personal lives...

Thanks as always!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 10:24 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

h0peless posted 5/14/2013 10:25 AM

That's where I am right now. The only problem with it is that you have to work hard to stay busy so you don't get lonely.

stupidstupidme posted 5/14/2013 10:32 AM

I feel that way right now also. Still working through a lot of hurts, and right now it just doesn't seem worth it. It is lonely, but it's safe.

MovingUpward posted 5/14/2013 10:35 AM

Here is the deal (my IC said this and he is right),

Love always ends in hurt.

Therefore to keep from hurting you have to stop loving people. You have to emotionally shut down to avoid hurt, but there is no way to do this except to remove Happiness too.

I think what you need to do is to

1) Understand what you want in a partner
2) Look back on past relationships, establish what were the bad things and dig to see if you remember red flags about those things earlier in the relationship that you chose to ignore
3) Proceed when ready and do so cautiously. Look for red flags. Note them. Break it off it isn't the one.

Life is about the journey, so don't sit on the sidelines. Date or don't date but get stuck on the sidelines of life.

Exit Wounds posted 5/14/2013 10:37 AM

Thank you guys! Great words of wisdom my twin (you know who you are)

I think it's safest to not date...but curious about how others feel about that statement

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 10:50 AM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

k94ever posted 5/14/2013 10:54 AM

To not love is to deny the Divine which exists in all of us.

What I've discovered is it all depends on the level of hurt I can handle if the relationship doesn't go where I though it would.

I've learned through all this that I can handle a TON of hurt and survive. So I'm willing to explore a relationship with someone knowing I can handle it if it doesn't work.


stretch13 posted 5/14/2013 11:00 AM

it's ok to not date "for now" or to not date because you are otherwise fulfilled by your moment in time...but if you are trying to avoid getting hurt, there is no way around this:

You have to emotionally shut down to avoid hurt, but there is no way to do this except to remove Happiness too.

i've done it. in fact i even shut out all my friends at the time, since in my tender early 20s, i'd been betrayed more by friends and family than boys just yet. there were two things that i learned from that experience:

1) i am capable of betraying and wounding myself in my solitude as much as any outsider ever could.

2) when i finally wanted to reach out to someone for help or comfort or connection, i felt like no one really knew me, like i had to give them some tremendous back story, all of which occurred under their noses, in my private world.

staying open, at least to a certain degree, is the challenge of all NB. at this time, perhaps for you it's most important that you stay open to the idea of a fulfilling and great time that simply doesn't include dating, instead of having to vigorously "not-date." it's a subtle energy shift for me, maybe others can't sense it. openness in one place in your life tends to lead to openness elsewhere, very naturally.

lots of NBs hurt when they get rough....not just the romantic ones.

wildbananas posted 5/14/2013 11:37 AM

I agree that hurt is everywhere... even in trying to avoid it.

So really... do what feels right and good for you and yours, be it dating or not dating or basket weaving or whatever. Life happens, hurt happens. It's just the roll of the dice.

tennispro4 posted 5/14/2013 12:17 PM

Definitely crossed my mind. But then I found this quote on here. Sorry, I don't remember what it was from, who posted it or who the author of the quote is, just wanted to share.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart."

Crescita posted 5/14/2013 12:31 PM

If you are in that mindset, you are right not to date. You will end up with the wrong sort if you expect to be let down and are just afraid of being alone. A period of self reliance will do wonders and maybe someday the idea of getting hurt again won't be so scary.

gahurts posted 5/14/2013 13:10 PM


I hope you are just considering a break rather than ruling our dating all together. I'd suggest a rest and that when the right person comes along you will know but right now focus on yourself.

Newlease posted 5/14/2013 13:24 PM

You can't appreciate the beauty and happiness without experiencing some pain.

Live your life so that at the end there are no regrets. And you only regret the things you did NOT do.

Take a break - hell don't date at all, but not because you are afraid of pain. Living in fear is no life at all.


crazynot posted 5/14/2013 13:38 PM

Love and loss are two sides of the same coin. I've just lost my beloved mother, four years ago my husband of 24 years said he loved someone else, and the man I love now has a serious heart condition and appears to be pushing me away. Would I be happier and lead a full life with none of these people or events? No, no no. Take time to recover from the pain of infidelity and separation/divorce, but then if you meet someone else who sets the spark alight, don't turn your back on it.

Williesmom posted 5/14/2013 14:28 PM

No risk, now reward.

I feel that everyone is sent into my life for a reason. They may not be in my life forever, but what I learn from them could benefit my future relationships.

I do not pin my happiness on the hopes that a man will love me someday. I provide my own happiness - the people in my life add to it.

Housefulloflove posted 5/14/2013 15:09 PM

I think it's a natural place to be in after a breakup from a long-term relationship, particularly one caused by infidelity.

That's where I still am and may be for a while now. I'm looking forward to dating but I know that I'm nowhere near ready to open myself up to another relationship.

My heart is still healing, the last thing it needs is another injury.

persevere posted 5/14/2013 20:05 PM

I'm with gahurts - if you're concerned, take a break. Your breakup was not long ago, give yourself the time you need and proceed when ready. I'm doing the same thing now. ((EW)) Keep in touch lady.

Sad in AZ posted 5/14/2013 20:39 PM

You can also live in a sterile bubble and never get sick or injured, but what kind of life is that?

Get yourself in a good place mentally and emotionally and see what happens. It's not like you have to make a decision about the rest of your life.

jackie89 posted 5/14/2013 20:39 PM

I sort of feel that way, but at the same time, I am not ready at all.

Too afraid to get hurt to trust again.

And when I am ready, really how am I going to meet Mr. wonderful?

-I don't like the bar scene.
-I think there's lots of weirdo's in Online dating.
- could get complicated at work
-Catholic Church - uh no chance, just families and older people
- So really where is one suppose to go find that Mr. Wonderful?

Basically, I'm screwed (well no).... Lol

Kajem posted 5/14/2013 21:13 PM

My marriage ended 10 years ago. I was asked out shortly after he left, and I said yes. That relationship ended and another began shortly after that. That relationship lasted 8 years. it ended last year (may 15). I haven't dated since.

I need time with me and my kids for awhile. And to put my heart back into one piece... letting the scar tissue heal into a stronger bond.

One day I will be ready... till then I'll date myself... and find things I like to do.

I am open to friendships... and that is good enough for me right now.



bpositive posted 5/15/2013 01:38 AM

True, but very simplistic.

Will you let your life be ruled by what someone else MIGHT do to you? Or will you live your life, love, maybe get hurt or disappointed, but have confidence in the knowledge that your capacity to heal and recover is greater than someone else's ability to dictate how you live your life?

I prefer to live my life open hearted and full of confidence that I can survive anything.

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