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I live in California and now his attorney has sent over a stipulation for a voluntary financial settlement. I am soooo upset about this. I do not want to negotiate the end of my marriage. I can't do it. The death of the marriage was not negotiated, I had no say in him having the affair. He never came up and talked to me, told me he was unhappy or that another woman approached him. He just went ahead and did what he wanted to do, without any regard to how this would impact me. My world came crashing down because he had to go out and screw somebody else.

I don't want to "negotiate" my "financial agreement". I am not a business person. I am a person with a heart. To "negotiate" the end of my marriage offends me. To have him come in with a low offer and have to fight with him over money - I find so offensive.

How can my love and devotion be reduced to dollars and cents. The money will never, ever fix what he did. He makes so much money and I know he will want to just get this over as quickly as possible - offer me a one time pay out so he can move on with his life.

The money will not fix my broken heart, will not take away the pain I have felt, the betrayal, the anger.......

Why do I have to do this??? My attorneys say it is a way to save attorney fees. That seems to be the only benefit.

Has anyone gone through this? Why do I have to do this??? What benefit is it to me??? Do I have to be there, can't the attorney's just negotiate and call me?? If I reject his offer and we go to court, what can I expect?? My attorney's were telling me that his attorney would ask me to disclose all the people I talked to about his affair, really????

God, this sucks. As if the affair and the marriage falling apart wasn't enough........

I sent you a PM!

In California (that's where I am too) if you have been married more than 10 years the assets get split 50 -50 and there is a formula for how much spousal and child support he has to pay. Period. Don't settle for anything less than that. The courts don't usually allow it anyway.

And it doesn't matter who you told about his affairs. They are just trying to scare you.

It does not matter who you told about the affairs!!

Divorce is a business deal. That crap has nothing to do with it.

That said, your attorney should be representing your interests in this!! Or at the very least, hire a mediator!

I know its hard to deal with this all and there is an inclination to just be done with it, but take your time. Process it at your pace, make decisions at your pace. Don't let him rush or intimidate you. You have rights. It's harder to understand them when you are hurried and emotional.

It is sad, but when it comes to D it all becomes a business deal. Once you learn what you are entitled to, working out a voluntary settlement can make it easier and less costly in the long run. That is what we are doing because I want this over and done with as quickly as possible. However, since he obviously has a L make sure you have any agreement reviewed by your own L to keep the playing field level.

You would rather be a part of the negotiations than have a judge decide things arbitrarily.

My attorney's were telling me that his attorney would ask me to disclose all the people I talked to about his affair, really????

I'm wondering why your lawyer didn't tell them to fuck themselves. You are getting a divorce, he does not get to control who you talk to.

I understand you are hurting right now, but you must pull it together for the moment. You cannot allow him to screw you over financially. You have to fight for what you need. Now is the only time you can do this. If you let him screw you over now there is no going back. Get an attorney and fight. They cannot get you for telling others about the affair. That is ridiculous.

Trust me, I was in your shoes. My STBXH also decided he wanted the divorce without discussing it at all with me. He walked out on his family with no discussion either. I wanted to cry in the fetal position all day, but I knew I had to fight for what I needed financially to care for my children. I got angry with him and have used the anger to propel me forward. I got into the driver's seat and said fine, you want a quick and easy divorce, this is what I want then! Got everything I asked for with little fight from him. When OW realizes how broke he is, she may not find him so attractive.

I mean this in the most loving way possible.

You have to get off of your deservedly sorrowful rear end and start taking tough with your lawer. No. You didn't choose this. No, it's not fair. No, it will never make things even or right or OK. Yes, it sucks like a hoover vaccum.

But this is the way that it is. This is reality and you really do need to face it. You live in California, as do I. There are very specific formulas as to what you and he get. The negotiating is to horse-trade something you need for something that he wants. It's offensive, it sucks, it's not fair, but that IS life.

The money will not fix my broken heart, will not take away the pain I have felt, the betrayal, the anger.......

No, it won't. But it will get you away from all of the drama and it will get you started for your new life.

My attorney's were telling me that his attorney would ask me to disclose all the people I talked to about his affair, really????

Well, good luck with that. If it does happen, well, it ought to be interesting when you print out the entire list of usernames from SI and submit it. But I'm betting that this won't happen. CA judges could not care less. It's a formula. They Don't Care! Boot your lawyer in the ass and remind him of WHO he is working for.

Look. I know that this is just horrible. But it's reality. You have to face it. Please. Come here for support and to vent. But in real life, you have, absolutely HAVE to fight for what you are owed. Because there is no one else to fight your fight. Just you. Don't roll over and let him f-you over again. (((hugs))) I totally empathize. I went through this, without infidelity, but with a XH that essentially tried to reduce me to being a badly paid prostitute when he divorced me. Be strong, be brave, and come here for comfort.

It's time to let go of the poor me and get the angry on! It's time to fight for what you deserve. If your lawyer wont fight for you, you need a new one.

The money won't help you heal, but it will help you in your new life. It's time to be all about you not him. Good luck Dawn.

Court will be stressful, expensive, and ultimately result in a 50/50 split (in CA as I understand it). So if you can get to the same settlement without court - do it! Do it through lawyers to minimize your contact with him - but avoid court if you can, (while never showing a fear of court).

As to this comment about who you've told...? Weird... I'd find out if this is your lawyer projecting (which is strange in a no fault state) or if his lawyer has said something to that effect... then maybe this nugget could be leverage in negotiations. If STBX really doesn't want people to know - my off-the- record response would be something to the effect of "I'm negotiating with billboard companies - let me get back to you... But ask your lawyer why they would want to know - to what purpose or benefit...?

Dawn, if he is completely lacking empathy - his lack of remorse won't be phased by a trial, it will only be harder on you. Acting as if he is shit on your shoe and scraping him off asap is your best course of action.

Neither path will reduce the pain. Time alone will do that.

Thank you all for your responses. I was only married 5 and a half years, so apparently the only thing that is split 50-50 is community property. Everything else is up for negotiations.

I know I need the money. I am not working right now, am a student with a little over a year to go. Then I will have a several year internship so my financial future pretty much sucks.

I think the thing I am struggling with is this....on some level, I don't want the divorce. I still love the man I thought I married and am still struggling with reconciling that image to the man that he really is. That the man I thought I married is a heartless, narcissistic pig. When I am in that truth, I will take that pig for every cent that I am legally due!!

I am still feeling so devastated and hurt that he had the affair. I am so devastated that the marriage I thought I had is gone. The man I thought I married is not the man he is now. I am still haunted by the memories of being so happy with him. That's the worse part for me. If I was so unhappy in the marriage, it would be so much easier. Everyone was shocked when they found out about the affair because everyone thought we were so happy. That we had the fairy tale marriage. I was completely blindsided when I found out about the affair and have not been able to get my bearings.

I have no idea what my life is suppose to look like now....how can I make plans for a life I have no vision for. I feel so lost, that I don't belong anywhere. The marriage was my anchor.....

I am hoping that the date for this voluntary bullshit happens a few months down the road, so I have more time to accept what is really happening, see him for who he really is and start to move on with my own life. I am hoping that I will move on from feeling so hurt and devastated to feeling stronger (and fricking angry) and more focused.

This so sucks.........

SOMEWHAT OF A T/J

I have no idea what my life is suppose to look like now....how can I make plans for a life I have no vision for

I struggle with this, too. I am in my 50's, my children were just getting old enough for me to start back in the career I've worked my entire life for (college, apprenticeship, have my own licensed business). But that career was only viable with a spouse who also brought in income. That life plan is over. It can never be. I've wasted 30 years of my life chasing after a career I won't be able to have. I feel like Charlie Brown after Lucy snatches the football away.

So here I am now, trying to figure out WTH to do with the rest of my life. I am willing & able to pursue my 2nd career choice, but that will take going back to college again. Several years of it. And I ain't no spring chicken. Plus I have young children. I need to do something to generate a decent income, more than minimum wage, right? But STBX is fighting paying me anything. He hates that he has to pay me a single penny.

It IS terrifying to have your life dreams snatched away. It IS hard to figure out all over again what to be when you grow up. It is so hard to have to discuss with people what you want to do with your life when you truly do not know. ((((HUGS))))

I totally get it. This is not something that you wanted, and now you're being pushed into it far faster than you expected. You're raw, and this is more sandpaper on your bleeding skin.

Mourn the death of the person that you thought you married. The marriage that you thought that you would have. It's worthy of sorrow, but mourn it as dead.

The POS man standing in front of you is your beloved husbands Evile Twin Skippy. That's not your husband, that WH is an evil twin who, after the death of the man that you love, is trying to take you for everything that you're entitled to. You and your lawyer need to sit down together, figure out exactly what you can ask for/demand/horse trade, and do it. You can still mourn the death of the person that you thought you married. Just don't be under any illusions that that man is the one standing in front of you. (((hugs)))