Me: fWH/BH 46
So I am struggling right now, yesterday was a huge trigger that set both me and my BW down a spiral.
Long story short, BW has been sick, and I have been taking more time watching the kids while she rest, and feels better. Sunday I dropped the kids off at MIL and BW picked them up from there. BW and I have not seen each other in over a week.
BW called me yesterday, she was feeling a little better and went for a walk, 1/2 way throughout the walk she started to feel sick and called me and asked me if I could pick her up and drop her off at home. I said yes, and went and picked her up. On the way home we were talking and BW said "You know I must really be sick if I call YOU for help". Well that sent me into trigger city. I got cold, dropped her off at home, and then later texted her asking her to do something when she picked the kids up from school.
That text triggered her, because she felt like it showed little empathy towards her (one of her biggest issues with me). I wound up picking the kids up from school keeping them last night. and then we had a conversation last night about the whole thing.
Another long story, but I realized something big in that conversation - as soon as she told me "You know I must really be sick if I call YOU for help" in the car, I mentally checked out and said to my self "well fuck you then, if you don't appreciate everything I have been doing the last coupe of weeks, then fuck you". I remember a cold feeling come over me in the car.
Beyond that, I realized I have been doing that my entire life. When I feel slighted, or not appreciated, I say fuck you and then just passively aggressively exact punishment on that person. Towards my wife in the past I became distant, cold, uncaring, mean, had affairs, all sorts of shit. I have done this at work, with my family, even towards the father I never knew.
So I got it. I just give up when the going gets hard. When I am challenged, when my feelings get hurt. I really get where my weakness is now. So now I get to work on that too. I am glad I have IC today.
Does this make sense to anyone? Has anyone come to a realization that they have an internal dialogue, and then react without telling the other person? I know my communication is lacking. I know that my old ways of being aren't going to just go away. I would like to think that I can put them in the past, and start communicating in a healthier way, but I am finding the old ways so automatic.
Separated transitioning to D