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He asked her to Marry him!

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Chefj9 posted 5/14/2013 14:22 PM

Well, some of you may have seen my post yesterday about OW's father finding the post I put on Cheaterville. Long story Short, she emailed me and was asking me to remove it. I used that request as leveredge to open the door and ask some questions. Boy did I get some answer!!!

I have been getting nothing but tickle truth and BS half ass lies. He actually asked her to marry him. She sent me the text. They were together way more than he ever admiited and she had actually been traveling with him, spending the night etc.

According to her, they were together every second they could be and living like a married couple out of hotel room.

I'm numb. he finally admitted everything she was saying was true. His explanation, it was just a game and he had no intention of leaving me, marrying her or anything like that.

Oh and they've been in contact since Dday.

If we didn't have extenuating circumstances with our daughter, I'd be OUT.

I'm in 180 mode and he has a to-do list. I have little to no faith at this point. Maybe he'll shock me. I shouldve know it was never going to be easy.

karmahappens posted 5/14/2013 14:27 PM

Ugh, FTG

I am so sorry. At first I thought she was bs'ing you. But he confirmed.

(((hugs))) That really sucks.

Skan posted 5/14/2013 14:28 PM

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry.

lieshurt posted 5/14/2013 14:29 PM

I'm sorry. I never believed he was being honest with you, so I'm not surprised. Take care of you. You definitely don't deserve this.

BeyondBreaking posted 5/14/2013 14:33 PM

I can't even imagine! What is the MATTER with these people?

I don't think I would ever be able to look at him again. Did you ask him how he even looks at himself in the mirror every morning?

I am so unbelievably sorry.

MediumRare posted 5/14/2013 14:54 PM

He's probably being honest when he says the thing he had with OW was just a "game" - but unfortunately, since he's been still in contact since DDay, it's obvious that your relationship is also a "game" ...

Time to declare "Game Over" and pull your piece from the playing board. I'd lock up the bank too so no passing Go, no collecting $200 for his rotten ass.

So sorry you're going through this. Please do the 180 ASAP and start caring for YOU! Your WS sounds like a big selfish, deluded narcissist and I hope you can start focusing on YOU and don't let his lies and B.S. sweep you back in.

SoVerySadNow posted 5/14/2013 15:30 PM

It may have been a game but they were playing with your very real heart.
I'm sorry.

LearningToFly posted 5/14/2013 16:38 PM

Anyone who things that playing a game like that is okay, isn't a good or safe person to carry in your heart. I'm so sorry.

Chefj9 posted 5/14/2013 19:20 PM

I am stunned by all that she has revealed. He still is swearing he never meant it. That he told her what ever he needed to to keep her in bed. She has pictures of my home, described my bed spread from pictures he sent her. It's now in the garbage.

I can't post much right now. I feel sick. I'm dizzy and my world is never going to be right.

Getting to Happy posted 5/14/2013 20:10 PM

GAH!

OMG, Chef. I am so sad at hearing this news. I was rooting for you to make it out of this with no new hurts. GAH!!!

I am so sorry. Try to breathe, I know that your head is spinning.

Why do these WH think its a game? If its a game it sure is a cruel one.

Hang in there. We are still rooting for you.

And I hope you keep the cheaterville post up. Skeevee Skank!

Strength and light to you.

Ladyogilvy posted 5/14/2013 22:07 PM

Well the truth may suck but at least you have it. Listing her on Cheatervile was a good move on your part. I have to say, I am surprised you got so much from her by removing the listing. Wow! I'm sorry. I know it sucks. But still, now you know the truth. Honestly, without the truth, you could not forgive him for what he really did. Not without even know what it was. He would have always have known that he hadn't really earned your forgiveness. Now he has a chance to earn it... If you let him live long enough. Can I hate him with you for awhile? I am in a situation where I know for a fact my WH hasn't told me the whole truth. The lies are so outrageous they're almost funny. It is keeping me from moving forward. As much as what you're going through sucks, like starting over again with a completely different story, at least you can make fully informed decisions now.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 8:44 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/14/2013 22:27 PM

Wow! I am impressed at your tenastity. As badly as you are hurting now, at least you know the depths he sunk to. Now you can heal since you finally have the truth. I cannot get answers from my FWH. All I have gotten over 20 months is "I don't remember". I have been inspired by you and tomorrow I am going to put OW and her picture on Cheaterville. Maybe when she finds out about it, she will give me the answers too in order to get me to take it down. You are a role model to me. Thank you Chefj9.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/14/2013 22:58 PM

Your husband tells people (you and other women and probably every other person in his life) whatever they want to hear in order to get what he wants.

Been there. Done that. OMG.....I'm not going to allow myself to post my thoughts on your situation. But MediumRare pretty much summed it up. Forget the 180....


Time to declare "Game Over" and pull your piece from the playing board.

Chefj9 posted 5/15/2013 10:47 AM

lieshurt
- neither did I, that's why I took the opportunity when I could. I knew that she couldn't wait to talk to me. I was in my own world of denial, but my gut knew I didn't know everything... not even close.

MediumRare - Time to declare "Game Over" and pull your piece from the playing board. I'd lock up the bank too so no passing Go, no collecting $200 for his rotten ass.

I am putting myself first. This man is so sick, he breaks my heart. I am sick by what I now know, but at least now I can actually start to move forward. And if this hadn't happened, there would never be any chance of R. He would have gotten caught with her again and that would have been it. Game over. He had started a new role on the West Coast and she had already purchased tickets to go out there to be with him. His explanation "I did everything I could to stop it, except say dont' come". So in order to avoid telling her the truth and not to come, he went on medical leave (for also valid reasons), and is now permantly home. For some reason, he doesn't want her, but he can't stay away.

SoVerySadNow

It may have been a game but they were playing with your very real heart.

Yes and it is shattered, but I am a person of great forgiveness, tenacity, and empathy. This will not break me and it will not define me. I won't let it. I have to fight my way back to who I was and am. I am praying that he fights as hard for himself and for us. He has too, or we won't be together.

Getting to Happy -

OMG, Chef. I am so sad at hearing this news. I was rooting for you to make it out of this with no new hurts. GAH!!!

If I'm honest, I knew there were more hurts to come. I just didn't know to what extent. The things she shared, I can't even share here. It's too much.

Ladyogilvy -

Honestly, without the truth, you could not forgive him for what he really did. Not without even know what it was. He would have always have know that he hadn't really earned your forgiveness. Now he has a chance to earn it... If you let him live long enough. Can I hate him with you for awhile? I am in a situation where I know for a fact my WH hasn't told me the whole truth. The lies are so outrageous they're almost funny. It is keeping me from moving forward. As much as what ou're going through sucks, like stating over again with a completely different story, at least you can make fully informed decisions now.

It's finally a relief in a weird way to know that I now really KNOW. I now know what I'm trying to recover and heal from. And I now know the depth of his illness. Today, I'm sad for all 3 of us. Him, me and her... I'll be making another post soon about the OW. So sad...

BB59 -

I have been inspired by you and tomorrow I am going to put OW and her picture on Cheaterville. Maybe when she finds out about it, she will give me the answers too in order to get me to take it down.

OK, once you post it, let it sit... go back every now and then and add a comment and as much proof that you're willing to put out there. My post wasout there for 3 months. She had over 25 thousand views and over 8000 votes before someone found it and told her. Also, please note that once it's there and you remove it later, it's still in google and until google refreshes, it'll pop on the first page if someone just googles the name. It's hard to permantly remove...LOL There is also a way to email people anonymously to make them aware of the post. But let the post marinate for a while... the more views she sees it has, the scary it is. Also be aware, that she could post you or your WS there. It's difficult to get down 100%. Good luck, I hope you get your truth.

GonnaBe -

Your husband tells people (you and other women and probably every other person in his life) whatever they want to hear in order to get what he wants.

Yep! He is without a doubt a PDN. So is his mother, he was trained and groomed by the best. Pray for him... he needs help. I will recover, he may not. PDN is one of the hardest things to over come, and my greatest fear now is that the work will be too hard for him and he won't do it. If he doesn't, he will end up alone.

Thank you everyone for all the love, and support. This sight is amazing and I would not be OK without it and all the support I find here.


krisdev posted 5/15/2013 11:13 AM

Wow I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. It makes me wonder exactly he's been saying to her this entire time, now knowing all of the lies he's been telling you. IMO I'd put up my emotional wall and focus on myself. Geesh he needs help. It's just a "game", a game, he's playing with YOUR emotions too. So is that also a game?

Edith posted 5/15/2013 11:59 AM

Oh Chef, Forgive me if I am wrong, but didn't you post his "I'm sorry" letter a while back? It was quite memorable, and now this news absolutely has me floored.

"Oh and they've been in contact since Dday."

And he asked her to marry him? What a complete pogue!!

I am so sorry. Take care of yourself and DD.

E.

[This message edited by Edith at 12:00 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

hopefulmother posted 5/15/2013 12:47 PM

I'm so sorry....this has been a bad day for BS. Two of you long-termers have had another TT.

I can't believe you are staying, but I will still pray for you that it will work out. It sickens me the length they will go to get in bed with someone. To propose M? Goes to show what he thinks about the institution of M. Goes to show what he thinks about the AP, to string her along and take advantage of her too.

Guess the OW is a bigger piece of shit than we all realized. To tell you they were still in contact. Even after she wrote that text begging you to take the post down. The nerve. Guess the Cheaterville post was spot-on. I would put it back up and update it.

TrustGone posted 5/15/2013 13:05 PM

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. BTDT. OW also told me all about the A on DDay#1 and then again DDay#2 when I found out that they taken the A underground. He had also asked her to marry him a year before DDay#1. She was even living in my home for awhile, so I know how you are feeling. It does get better once you are able to put it all into prospective, but right now it just hurts, I know. I am sending you a big (((HUG))).

Chefj9 posted 5/15/2013 13:49 PM

Edith -

Oh Chef, Forgive me if I am wrong, but didn't you post his "I'm sorry" letter a while back? It was quite memorable, and now this news absolutely has me floored.
"Oh and they've been in contact since Dday."


And he asked her to marry him? What a complete pogue!!

Yes, I did... I thought he meant every word. It was lies. And his post here, was a lie. He took it down, but hasn't posted again. I am shaking today and having huge anxiety attacks. I need time, I need space. I can't catch a break.

The things he told her about me. The lowest of low. I'm going to share this, because as I type it, it reminds me of how horrid and violating it all is.

I am a diabetic, so there was a period that the Dr. was adjusting my meds and I was fightin a bad yeast infection (diabetics are prone). He had her convinced that we were in a sexless marriage, and actually took a picture of my medication and sent it too her as proof that we "couldn't" be intimate. Can we say Violated? Humiliated?

He told her that I had been crippled as a young adult, that I was bi-polar and that my meds made me sleep all the time. That I was lazy and that he had to do everything. He painted a picture that is anything but close to the truth. That I started culinary school as a hairbrained plan to start a business and that it was costing him a fortune, and that I just quit for no reason. He took me to the school, practically gave me no choice but to enroll, enrolled me and did it proudly.

I quit because his youngest daughter came to live with us this past summer and she needed me at home (lots of stuff to deal with emotionally etc). I quit to be available for her. I broke my heart to quit, it was a huge dream for me that he said he supported, He used it as fuel on my fire to get her committment.

I need to throw up

She has hundreds of pictures of the inside of my house. Knows every detail about my girls and their schools. She was going to wait for him. She has his nickname for her tattooed on her wrist. She has every email, every text, picture, video. All of it. I should ask her to send it all to me, but I don't think I could bare to read any of it or look at it.

I have more details of their sex life. She was basically his wife in another city. When he got his new roll in San Francisco, he was supposedly in NC. They were talking and she bought a ticket to go see him there. She is hardcore into SM, Things that I won't judge for, but that I can't imagine. Cutting, bruises, pain. NOT MY THING. He swears he didn't do any of that even though she begged him too. He doesn't do "pain" What ever!

I don't know what else I can take at this point. I'm strong, but I have limits. I have offered him everyway out. Go, go be with her... be happy. I'll make it easy. He swears it's not what he wants. I still don't believe him. I think he wants both of us.

He sent a final NC letter last night. She'll try to contact him again, she always does. She got to him this time via text on a game. All games are now deleted and I have parental controls on the electronics and full access to his iTunes so I can see what apps are being downloaded and deleted.

But I don't want to babysit. What's the point? Just go and be with her, if that's what you freaking want. Leave me to my pain, so I can heal and have a life. A life I deserve.

He wants to be the man I deserve. Such a long road. And what if? what if I'm the game now... and she's still there waiting in the wings.

sinsof thefather posted 5/15/2013 14:28 PM

My heart is breaking for you Chefj. I can't imagine your pain today. I remember reading the letter he wrote you too, and I can hardly believe that it was all just a bunch of lies. They both sound very, very sick and broken indeed.

Sending you hugs - you are very much in my thoughts.

((((Chefj9))))

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