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Newest Member: lostsoul8008 (61557)

User Topic: I'm not the police.
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'm FINALLY at the point where I don't care anymore. I don't track him, but I still check out phone bill. I don't want to be stupid, but I also can't play policewoman all the time. I'm starting to accept that I can't control him. As much as I wanted "him to help himself." Well, he's doing that on his own. Thank God! Lord knows I can't make that man do anything. So, I just wanted to share that I'm slowly starting to let go and be responsible for myself and not him anymore...

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm almost 9 months out. I still check the phone bill occasionally. I still get nervous and irritated if he doesn't respond to my messages. I still check his fb. I have stopped checking his e-mail. I still require thorough explanations, backed up by co-workers when his work plans change. I still ask questions and push for completely honest answers. I still pick up his phone whenever I want. For 9 months, everything has checked out. All of these things are less intense and less frequent, but he has never begrudged me any of them. I don't feel like the police and he doesn't feel like a prisoner. I understand how you feel saying finally, but allow yourself all the time you really need. If you're like me, you're putting an incredible amount of pressure on yourself to heal on the fast track. I found that I was only letting things partially heal and they kept coming back. Taking more time has helped that significantly.

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was very clear with my H on DDay 2. I told him that I would not stay in a marriage that required me to be the police. "Required" being the key word. However, I do reserve the right to check whatever and whenever I want if I don't feel safe. He said that based on his previous behavior, he expects nothing less. He also knows that if I ever find anything else, we're done.

The first 2-3 weeks after that conversation, I checked pretty frequently. He had also cut off a bunch of "friends" and I knew he was having withdrawals. Now, if I happen to be on his laptop for something, I might look at his FB and email.

But honestly, his actions and his words have changed so much since DDay 2 that I'm 100% positive that he's not doing anything "bad" right now. That can always change in the future though...

Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ 36285
Member # 36285
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, May 14th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am the exact same way. I do periodically check, but it's definitely not like before. FWH encourages me to check - if it's what I need. I do have to put some degree of trust in him because he was so sneaky before. But, he has offered to go to some ridiculous lengths for me - like talking to me on the phone the entire time he's out running errands. I also told him that I cannot stay in a relationship where I am constantly checking up on him. But, I do check his stuff (location, email, FB, etc) from time to time and he has know idea when.

I think it's a positive step!

BW Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
Topic Posts: 4

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