Well. I was here a year and a half ago. I found out my fiance cheated on me in 2011 on new years eve before 2012. An ex girlfriend whom he thought might have gotten pregnant. At the time I thought I might have been. Happy New Years, right? Neither turned out to be true, thank God and I stayed. Stupid move on my part, maybe, but I thought he was genuinely remorseful. Maybe he was, I don't know. Fast forward a year. I thought we were effectively working through our issues. We had bumps, of course. it sure wasn't smooth sailing. Especially when I would struggle with trust issues, which I still do. But there was hardly a day that went by that he didn't tell me he loved me and I just knew this was real.
The evening of December 2, 2012 I took a pregnancy test. I just felt off. And it came up positive. Birth control and antibiotics. Live and learn. But that same night, I started spotting and didn't know what to think. Is it a false positive or was I losing the baby before I really even knew he/she existed? My sister in law took me to the hospital were indeed I found out I was pregnant and the spotting was probably residual blood. I came home and immediately had to talk with my fiance over the computer. He had actually been robbed a few days before, so his cell was gone. He lives In Philadelphia, some three hours away from myself, in Maryland. We had met on one of those crazy 3d chat sites which is how I had to tell him I was pregnant (and incidentally how I found out about his "extracurricular activities" on there). He said he was happy and scared at the same time. Immediately he started making plans to move up here. He had me begin helping him search for employment up here. I thought we were going to make a family, however unplanned it was, certainly not unwanted. Right after New Years 2013 At about 10 weeks I found out I was having twins. I was relieved he wanted to move up here as I knew I would need every ounce of him I could get even with one baby, let alone two. It wasn't too long after things started to change. More arguments, fights, everything. My pregnancy was already high risk because of carrying not just multiples, but identical girls, but it became difficult also. I would spot on and off but I just couldn't figure out why. I wasn't doing any strenuous activity, him being so far away sex was limited to maybe two or three times a month, when I could get up there between the constant doctor appointments. February I received a call from my ob's office. They had done a pap smear and the results came back abnormal. His little dip into familiar territory last year resulted in a trichomoniasis contact and I was immediately started on a course of antibiotics. My heart dropped into the soles of my shoes. I didn't know what way was up or down. I called him that same day and I had to revisit that awful place he put me in. I asked him if he had gotten tested, if he had ever even been concerned about stds. I should've left him that day. I should've said that you couldn't be bothered to protect yourself, put me at risk, and most importantly put the babies at risk. I didn't. I stayed. I told him this was bigger than the cheating now, that I needed to know he was going to get taken care of. God, I should've just left.
I started getting vibes around March. Things just weren't adding up. All centered around that stupid 3d site. He would spend real money to buy virtual money for that site. The virtual money he'd buy things with. Turns out he was buying things for other females. Ok. Friends, he said. We'd argue about that and I'd say his life is becoming that site. There were a few times like that. He came up to visit for Easter. One morning I was playing a game on his kindle and went to send a help request. Who should I see on his facebook friends list but the ex-gf from last year. I know for a fact they weren't friends after everything happened. So I looked in his messages. She said she missed him and wanted him to call. No mention from him of being in a relationship and expecting two little girls. No message from him saying he's not interested in anything she had to say and he can't talk to her anyway. Just an ok from him. He left his phone also, which I looked through. When there's a message from a person that significant other cheated with saying call them, what else was I to do? If he was going to tell the truth about it he would've told me from the minute she contacted him. That's how trust works, isn't it? I begged him when I agreed to stay with him to give me a reason to trust him. All I needed were reasons to trust him. There were no texts from her, no phone calls either way. I saw the contacts list and she wasn't in there, nor any numbers that might've been. I asked him if he sent the girl a friend request and he said no, and to please not go there that weekend. I left it alone. By this time I was 4 months pregnant. When he left, I knew things were going downhill. I prayed I was wrong. Because what kind of man cheats on his pregnant fiance? Someone who's having a pretty rough time, in a big part due to his actions? Again, I should've left. SO many times I should've left. So many things I should've done and didn't.
The middle of April I was admitted to the hospital for preterm labor. I was scared witless. I had courses of antibiotics in there, magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions, steroids to help mature the girls' lungs faster. I had already dilated 3cm. The were able to stop the contractions but I stayed in the hospital for a week. One night, while on the phone with him, he told me he was going to bed.I had a feeling he wasn't really going to bed, and sure enough, he was on that damn chat site. Even in the hospital, it's got a hold on him. I was released on strict bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. Only allowed up to use the bathroom and doctor's appointments, and even then I had better use a wheel chair. One night, very late. I got up out of the bed to go to the bathroom. I had my phone with me, and I was going to call him. However something told me to check that site on my phone and yep. He was on there in another room. So I used my laptop and made a little fake account and logged on. I wanted to know what was so fascinating he ignored my phone calls. Or pretended to be just waking up when I knew he didn't. I went in to the room and what do ya know? I see him telling some girl he was touching her and rubbing her thighs. Was all I needed to see. So I called him. He made it seem like he wasn't doing anything wrong and how this was my fault some way. He said some very hurtful things, not the least of which was since I seem to think he's cheating on me I can take him for child support just like his other daughter's mother and he can "do him." He's said that a couple of times in arguments since I've been pregnant. My emotions were already all over the place, scared, lonely. Eventually, we moved on, sort of. He thought things were good, I knew otherwise. A week later he was back at it again, although it turns out he never stopped. Things were bad, and only going to get a whole lot worse.
May 1, 2013 at 9:00 p.m. I went to the bathroom and noticed something that made me stop breathing altogether. I had passed my mucous plug. I knew at 26 weeks I was in labor. My aunt and mother rushed me to the hospital. I had hoped they could stop it like the last time. The midwife there looked and said she could see hair. My ob was rushed in and he did a manual check. I had dilated to 5cm but they couldn't chance leaving things as is and risking an infection. My little girls were coming that night. I was put to sleep and at 12:50 a.m. Thursday, May 2, 2013 Nina Evelyn was born weighing 1lb 13 oz. At 12:52 a.m. Her little sister, Cassidy Aubrey followed weighing 1lb 11oz. They were immediately rushed to the NICU where they will remain for at the very least, two months while I was being stitched back together and brought back.
My fiance came the next day to help me and be with the girls until Sunday. I thought he was amazing in there. I was a complete basket case, terrified for my beautiful tiny girls and feeling horribly guilty for my body betraying me and failing the girls. They weren't meant to be out this early, how could I not be strong enough to protect them and keep them safe inside until it was time? I have awful thoughts that this whole mess is all my fault. I had to have my aunt take me up there after I was released to sign a consent form for a catheter to be put in their arm to give them more fluids. I was trying to explain the procedure to him over the phone and he lost it. I tried to explain this is the best thing for them but he wouldn't listen. As I sat in the wheel chair and listened to him yell and tell me I was going to do what I wanted and how I was a child and needed to grow up and how I could take his name off the birth certificate and take him for child support and then he could be the deadbeat I seem to want him to be, I had a doctor in front of me waiting for the signature, a nurse handing me a paper for social security for them, and machines beeping in the back for my babies. I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I got out of the chair, went to the patient shower room, sat in a shower stall on a bench and broke down. The stress, the guilt, the hurt. My life was in the NICU and I had no control over anything. In that moment a part of me wanted to die, but I knew my girls needed me.
This past weekend my fiance came back down to see the girls and to help me. My mother was getting married Saturday, but I'm still healing from the c-section so I couldn't go. He was here to make sure I had everything I needed taken care of. I remember lying beside him that Friday night and thinking my life is spiraling out of control. I need to know. So the next morning while, he was in the kitchen I took his phone and opened to the messages. I don't know who she is, but I saw some very explicit messages about what he was going to do to her when he logged on to that site that night. The message before was for me telling me he loved me and was going to talk to me the next day. He was explaining all the ways in which he could...well, let's just say he was hungry This was while I was in the hospital thee first time. The newer messages were him texting her about him pulling in to the greyhound depot in my area and waiting for my aunt to pick him up. He texted her about how the girls looked and what they were doing and how Cassidy likes to pull the wires she's hooked up to and Nina doesn't like anything on her feet. He gave some woman on that site his phone number and talked to her as a man that's engaged doesn't talk to another female not his lady. He said she may even want it for real and when she can have it. I called him in to bring the breast pump and told him to shut the door. I turned his phone around and said maybe we should just be parents and it was all downhill from there. I just asked him why? Why do it? That he was telling her anything about our girls, that he was doing that when I was in the hospital scared out of my mind, just why? He told me I made him miserable, that I stalked his life and I was just like his ex wife. As I sat and cried while listening to him bash my already low self esteem further into the ground I began to pump. I mentally checked out. I heard him, I knew what he was saying, I knew my girls were in the hospital still, I knew my mother's wedding was that day, but I just wasn't there. I could feel the pump, I knew I was expressing milk for when my girls could feed. My mind was just gone. For about a half an hour I stayed like that. I had sunk into some kind of mental hole, is the best way to explain it.
Today I tried to talk to him. I don't know why I thought maybe I could get somewhere. I needed answers. Why he was humiliating me, disrespecting me. He said I don't trust him and if somebody's constantly accusing somebody of doing something why not just do it? As I sat on the couch, incision throbbing, scared for my girls because they had a bad couple of days and wondered if I was going to get a call from the hospital telling me I need to get down there right away I thought to myself why can't I hate this man? I should be able to hate him right now. What's wrong with me that I'd look in to his eyes and probably still love him just as much as I did before?
I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I keep searching for reserves of strength for my girls but my heart, my mind, even my body feels like the branches on a willow tree. Wilted and turned down so low I'm almost touching the ground. I wonder how do I cope? How do I be strong for my babies when I feel so weak and defeated? Every moment I feel like I'm gambling and it's only a matter of time before I get a losing hand.
[This message edited by BrokenNBonded at 3:48 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]
I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling and how could someone be so cruel and callous to the mother of his newborn babies!!!!
He is abusive towards you and you are best to get away from him, for your sake and your babies! Take his ass to court for child support and be done with him. He is in no way ready to make this work as he is in FULL DENIAL that HIS actions are detrimental to your relationship.
I don't know what else to say other than I'm glad you are here. This is a great place for support.
By the way, I'm from Philly myself so....ya know, if you ever need anything from this way, PM me - we got your back!
presently working towards...well i don't know anymore...
why why why.... because he's SELFISH -- he has to have HIS PLEASURE his way when he wants it how he wants it etc
the fuckin' fantasy life where he is the marathon man
i loved a selfish asshole too
and there were for me too sooooooo many times i should have left
brokennbonded -- listen, you please try to think about a future without him -- it will get easier over time
but right now he's just going to keep up blaming you --- which is TOTAL BS -- and making you feel worse
'take my name off the birth certificates' ??? what an asshole thing to say
if his being around is more negative than positive or a help - which it seems to me it is -- but thats up to you to decide -- if his being around now just makes you feel sh*tty... TELL HIM TO LEAVE
find your anger and use it to make you stronger
you'll get good advice here from others who have been around here longer --- but what i'm going to say is TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR BABIES...
hugs to you hon
I don't know where to start. First, I am so sorry that he has chosen this path. You do not deserve it. No human being deserves this.
He is being incredibly selfish and self centered and his behavior is disgusting.
But most importantly, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughters. What beautiful names they have.
You don't indicate your or your fiancÚ's age not that that really matters, however, I am trying to reconcile his behavior with being immature regardless of his actual age.
Needless to say - HE IS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU. He has continually lied, cheated and betrayed you. Nothing you did or didn't do made him choose to cheat. He made that choice.
You just gave birth to his two children. You need love, support and care. Not belittling and cruelty.
You are hoping he will wake up and be a man for you. You are wanting and longing for what I am afraid is not there.
Now is the time to focus on you and your babies. That is more than enough. They need all of you. You physically only have so much energy and it must be focused on you and your girls.
Channel your mother lion. Be a force for your girls.
Don't let him manipulate you any longer. If he wants to be a man then he needs to start behaving like one.
My heart breaks for you. Be kind to yourself and hug those beautiful baby girls.
[This message edited by BrokenNBonded at 5:02 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]
I've also had a c/s, and recovery is a bitch. You don't need that abusive asshole messing with your recovery.
I'm with everyone else. RUN, don't walk away from this guy. He is not going to change at this point. You have your babies (congratulations!), take the money you can get for child support & build a happy, stable life for you and your girls. Not that you're thinking about this now but don't be afraid that because you have kids you'll be alone. There are lots of people who date with kids.
Just a side note... Are you taking anything for PPD? They gave me preventative drugs for it due to my history. There is no shame in having a prescription to get you through.
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
At 4:30a.m. any ideas of a 180 flew right out the window. I wish I had had my wits, but these days any early morning phone call scares them right out of me. I tried to talk about where we stood now and where to go from here. This limbo I'm in is awful, and I'm so confused and depressed about everything I just need a clear answer for something in my life right now. But I wish I had never answered the phone this morning. I wish I had pretended to be asleep or faked like my phone fell in the cracks between my wall and my bed and I couldn't reach it because of the incision. I wish I had done a lot of things different this morning. Instead, I laid in my bed and allowed him to rip me open and leave me emotionally bleeding all over the goddamn sheets. I wanted out of this limbo, and was plunged right in to hell.
I reminded him that he was the one who wanted a family so badly. I told him I gave him two little girls and it's like he was throwing everything away. He said he wanted a wife, not a mom. He said mothers go through their kids stuff, and and he was a grown man and he didn't need a mom. I told him I wouldn't have to do anything if he could just be honest. I can't even remember everything he yelled this morning, but I brought up his words of, "Well if somebody's constantly accusing you of something, aren't you going to do it?" I told him no, that's when he gets that trust and that he really was doing it, anyway. He said I was the one that said it was over anyway, but I had to remind him he was standing there while I laid in the bed unable to move on my own telling me that I made him miserable, and I stalked his life and that I was acting like his mother, whom, by the way, he hasn't had a relationship with since he was seven. I told him I wasn't going to let somebody bash me while I'm down, I will protect myself the best way I know how because if he can't have my back I'll sure have my own. I asked him if I had said he was physically doing it in real life, would he just go out and do it. He opened his mouth. And said yes, if I was accusing him of physically doing it, he would, why not? I told him goodbye, hung up the phone and brought my knees to my chest, my hands over my ears and cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I've got pretty bad asthma, but in that moment I didn't care if I died. But I had to remember my babies, and got myself under control after a while.
He called me right back after I hung up the phone. Shouted at me some more, he told me I acted like a child and that my mother treated me like a 3 year old because she called me baby and pumpkin sometimes and how he wasn't with that. I wondered how he would know how a good mother treats her child for life, if his wasn't even involved in his own life. But I didn't ask, I just sat with my knees drawn up to my chest, ignoring the pain in my lower belly because the hurt he was mentally causing me was a lot worse. He finally said, the way he sees it he can't be in a relationship with me until I leave my mother's house. And if I said where else am I going to go, that Philly was always open.
He hates it there. He told me he did soooo many times. He said he wanted out at least once a week, and that he didn't want to raise his children up there, which I reminded him of. Why would I want to take my babies and myself some place he doesn't even want to be? I said that was why he wanted to be here. He said, he did, until he saw what he saw. But what did he see? A mother taking care of her daughter who just gave birth? Who's own children are in the nicu right now and needs all the help she can get? I thought that was what mothers did. Loved their children always and helped them when they needed it. That was how I was planning on raising my girls.
Every word I said this morning somehow got twisted around to seem stupid and childish. He asked me what planet do I live on that somebody isn't going to do what they're accused of doing eventually. I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. I just needed some answers, and somehow I ended up feeling like I drove him to do what he did, that I was asking for it and it was all my fault. Not only am I scared for my babies, but at this point I'm scared for myself. How much more of this can I take? It just gets harder and harder, and he makes me feel like I deserve it. But I can't tell him that. I'm afraid I'll hear, "Well, don't you?"
[This message edited by BrokenNBonded at 4:55 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]
Congratulations on your girls. That's a beautiful and important change. Especially with them so vulnerable, they're going to need you so much. You'll be their protector, their nurturer, and their home.
Like the other posters said, focus on them. Remember how you'd feel if anyone treated them the way that jerk is treating you. And think of this: if he can treat YOU that way, what makes you think he'll treat THEM any better?
They deserve to have parents that embrace and love them. No one should have to look at a man who won't even claim them, who won't even prioritize them, and have to feel like they're tied to him. They'll learn how to view themselves at least in part by his treatment of you and them. Bad things, honey. Really bad things.
Don't call him, please? Don't answer his ridiculous calls. Give yourself the buffer and safety of space and time. Let people you trust know what is happening to you so you can have defenders. You need help, especially when you are literally knocked off your feet.
We're all with you. You deserve so much more than this. He is WRONG, SELFISH, COWARDLY, and not fit to be around the three of you.
[This message edited by Reality at 5:32 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]
I'm sorry but he sounds like a huge asshole and you should run far far away. You and your girls both deserve better. I know it seems hard to leave because you love him so much, but if he treats you this way and you're not married just imagine how bad he will treat you later.
How is it possible that a man who helped make such beautiful baby girls can treat a woman so terribly? I tense when I see his name flash on the screen, and my breathing speeds up when I don't answer and see it flashing again. I don't want to answer that second call even more than I don't want to answer the first. I don't want to hear all the ways in which I'm a failure as a woman, and then receive a call from the hospital telling me there's a problem with my babies, reinforcing the feeling of being a failure as a mother. Where is my partner in this? Who I always thought would be my strength when I was weak? I don't know this person that used to be my heart. I don't recognize the stranger he's become. It looks like him, sounds like him, even smells like him. But he's been body-snatched by some strange parasite that turns a man into some evil, nasty life form.
I will see my girls today. I have to use a wheelchair to get to the nicu, but I know I'll genuinely smile for the first time in days. Maybe weeks. Maybe I'll look at them and find a calm that's been missing since Easter, when I saw the message from exgf. But I'm afraid too. I'm afraid I'll look at them and instead of feeling peaceful, I'll wonder how can a man bless me with such miracles and turn his back on us. I'm afraid I'll wonder how can I have given him a family and have to take a back seat ride to his "fun." I'm spinning my wheels here. Even in an empty living room, tv turned off and nothing but the sound of the keys of the keyboard clicking, it's soooo loud in my head and heart. I just want peace.
[This message edited by BrokenNBonded at 12:43 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
Please know that you will get through this, and believe it or not, you will be a much stronger person because of it.
Take time to care for yourself. Make sure you are eating, if that is too hard, make sure you are drinking some sort of protein shakes instead, without it it will take your body a lot longer to heal.
Ask for the social worker at the hospital, ask her to hook you up with resources to go about requesting child support from their dad. This will help you to start taking control of the situation. The next thing you have to do is decide if you are willing to subject yourself to further abuse by this person. He has clearly not handled himself in a supportive way, and is acting like a douche even without the Cybersex stuff.
It would be much more healthier for you to tell him you can't deal with his abuse right now, and he can talk to the nurses at the hospital for updates. Tell him he is to not contact you if he is continuing to engage in the same behaviors.
Make a clean break for a while and focus on you and those babies.
BTW - I have a friend that had almost the exact same situation as you. When the babies came he bolted for his girlfriend. She recovered from delivery, took the babies home, with support of her family took great care of them, and Divorced him. Her girls are now 7 and beautiful, happy, and very confident people, because they have an excellent role model.
No one deserves abuse, and that is what he is doing abusing you.
Sending you many many hugs, and lots of strength.
I too am so so very sorry. I know it is easier said than done but you have to let go.
What do you think he is going to become? A real man that is kind, gentle, caring and takes responsibility for you, your daughters and his actions?
I am afraid you have never truly known this man. You have lived 3 hours away from one another your whole relationship?
You deserve to be treated like a human. Cherished as the mother of his children.
Demand more for yourself and your children.
Please talk to your doctor. You are going through so much. You need help.
I want to ask him why does he care now, when before he screamed at me to take his name off the birth certificates and take him for child support since I act like he doesn't know anything? I want to say, isn't he too busy with his sexting and cyber sexing to notice the outside world? To notice the girls and I
Remember these quip if and when you ever speak to him again. For now, go dark on him. NC. Let the CS contact him for child support.
NC=no new hurts. *crickets*
Honey ditch this guy, he is not the man you thought he was. He has shown you who he really is, Believe Him! Save yourself and run for the hills.
OMG What a douche!
I know that this is easy for me to say...even thought I remember the heart pounding, blood rushing through my ears feeling when I finally realized how I was duped by my love of 34 years! But thats another story.
You are not married to him. Cut your loses and don't look back.
Your precious baby girls are depending on you to provide and safe and healthy home as they grow. This guy will never provide that. Only chaos and humiliation.
You are young, beautiful and strong.
RUN FORREST RUN!
((((BrokenNBonded and sweet twin baby girls))))
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Do not talk to him anymore... Period. Do not leave your Mother's home. Period. He is abusive and it will only get worse if you don't have your mother there to help. Do not let that monster be a part of your life other than take the child support as he told you to. He is telling you exactly what to expect from him.
I am so sorry you are having to become a mother in one of the most terrible situations possible. But you are a mother now. Focus on those babies.
The things he are doing are so unsupportive and selfish, they are just awful. Problem is you can't make him man up or realize what he is doing. He is captain of his own ship. All you can control is your own decisions.
Take care of your beautiful little girls BNB. They are deserving of your love and attention, sadly he is not.
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
Your sich is so horrible it brings tears to my eyes.
What to do????
Take care of yourself and your little girls.
I know you want to "fix" the sich with this creep but honey he is not fixable.
He is a selfish arsehole who will bring you nothing but grief.
But he doesn't matter at the moment. You and your little girls are the only thing in the world that matters.
So take care of yourself - they need you. Enjoy the knowledge that you are the most important person in their world. Channel all that love into them to make them strong. You have been given a beautiful gift. THEY have been given a beautiful gift - you!!!
Think of the fun you will have raising them - their first smiles, first words, first steps, trips to the park and first days at school.
There is nothing in the world better than being a mother. Sometimes it is hard but mostly it is wonderful.
Don't let this prick take the joy from this time for you.
So instead of dreaming of a happy future with him dream of happy days with your little girls. Imagine dressing them, taking them for walks and playing with them.
You don't need this man to complete your life.
I know you are sad at the moment but one day you will look back and be glad that he is not a part of your life.
You will be so much better off without him.
Focus on your little girls and keep us updated with their progress.
We are all praying for you