SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Helen of Troy posted 5/14/2013 15:39 PM

People in health profession regarding the kids or others in general. "Where does x live?"
I have to answer I don't know.
"Where will the kids be when with him?" Again answer I don't know. It could be hotel room, it could be grandparents house or stepgrand house. ( I've asked, he has to provide address but hasn't yet.)
People look at me like I am from outer space when those answers are given.
They don't get that he does not work with me, nor communicate with me, even with kid issues. People do not understand that I can't just call him up and discuss parenting issues. People do not understand that he will not bend if I ask for something for benefit of the children. He won't simply because it is me asking. Example: refuses to use online calendar for kids' activities and appointments because "It isn't in the parenting agreement so I don't have to!!!"
This feels like being the only one in the world in this situation. Logically it is not, but it feels like it.
Gah this never ends.

lieshurt posted 5/14/2013 15:41 PM

In my case, I just respond with "my ex is no longer in the picture" when people ask about him and leave it at that.

veritas posted 5/14/2013 16:04 PM

(((wgb))) I have some menstrual problems, and my doctor suggested endometrial ablation. However, she said she wouldn't do it unless my husband had a vasectomy (we're separated; the divorce is almost final). I didn't even know how to respond -- yes, he's had one, but he's about to not be my husband?

Ashland13 posted 5/14/2013 16:31 PM

Yes, I sure do hear you there!

People ask me about his visits with DD and neither of them tell me much and I don't ask, just about her. I don't want to know about his job search or what it's like where he lives...why would any of us?

FWIW, I say to people, "It's not mine to worry about unless DD has a problem." Sometimes it shuts people up and if it offends anyone, they have to get over that.

Yes, I feel the isolation also even though many people I know have been divorced-scary how many-though not all with adultery.

I also ask people not to tell me anything they hear about Perv and it took me a really long time to get to that point, because when he first left, I was like a sponge trying to learn about him.

The parenting plan Perv tried to attempt has already failed, so I won't sign a darn thing! Sometimes it feels like dealing with another kid!

I am pregnant and getting divorced and hope not to rant, but am very agitated and upset by people askin if I am keeping this baby.

Ashland13 posted 5/14/2013 16:33 PM

The last part is just to say, as others posting here, why would I change my beliefs just because he did?

Nature_Girl posted 5/14/2013 17:44 PM

I get asked the same questions. People are genuinely shocked at STBX's refusal to communicate or cooperate. I can't do anything about their normal reactions, so it just doesn't phase me. I don't really care, honestly, unless their reaction is hindering a transaction or care arrangements.

PurpleRose posted 5/14/2013 17:55 PM

yeah, you are NOT alone. And you should not feel awkward or isolate. There are many in your same position, or variances of it.

My situation is that the Dooosh has not spoken to our oldest daughter since 2011... because she decided NOT to accept what he did and believe that the OW is "an angel, a real sweetheart!" and instead got pissed off at him for cheating and breaking her heart (and her mom's). I can at least explain that as my oldest (she is an adult) having her own opinion, and since it didn't flow with his "picture" of how this was going to play out, it was easier for him to just make up a bunch of bullshit and claim she was a little bitch and difficult and won't speak to him and that's that. And he didn't try to fix anything, so that showed her!! {eyeroll}

He has also stopped seeing our middle daughter - she is in middle school. People ask why, and this one I cannot explain. Well, not rationally anyway. I don't really understand why, aside from the fact that he is a major dooosh, the world is supposed to revolve around him and his beliefs, and he is turning out to be as big a dickhead as his narcissistic cheating father (who also wrote off his children, and still does, according to who is in his pocket at any particular time.) Guess he is just doing what he knows?

Disgusting behavior.

But I have no idea how to explain it to anyone. It doesn't make sense to me, or to any REAL parents - you know the ones, those who would do anything to be there for their kids. But then again, these cheaters threw all that out the window when they cheated and blasted their families apart so I'm not surprised by their craptastic behaviors anymore.

nowiknow23 posted 5/14/2013 18:25 PM

It's always ok to answer these questions with, "why do you ask?" So many times, I find myself looking for an answer to a question that really shouldn't have been asked.

You don't owe anyone explanations. And you sure as hell don't have to explain your X. So not your job.

persevere posted 5/14/2013 19:28 PM

Ditto nik that you do not owe anyone any explanations unless you choose to give them. I think simply stating, "We're divorced, so we don't communicate often" should suffice, and even then only if you feel like it - it's none of their damn business. You are obviously the parent handling everything.

In my situation the idiot handled everything from DDay forward so chaotically and crazily, that 98% of the people we know together simply believe he lost his mind, so I've never been asked much, just sympathy looks, lol.

Kajem posted 5/14/2013 22:24 PM

I explain he divorced me and disowned our children.

If they want an explanation for why? We(they-when talking about the kids) had a difference of religious opinion, He thought he was God, we(they) disagreed.

It gets them thinking... which was all I wanted in the first place.

But.. it is interesting.

Mousse242 posted 5/14/2013 22:55 PM

I would have an issue with the kids going with him if you do not know where they will be. What does your attorney say?

Helen of Troy posted 5/16/2013 06:46 AM

I should have been more clear.
When talking with a child's therapist in family counseling together and trying to plan for weekend visit with dad since kid is fresh out of treatment.
Therapist, where will you be staying? No one knows.
Yes I've asked him to provide address (by email our mode of communication) so far no response he only argues other points and of course blames me and tells me how horrible I am.
I'm almost out of retainer, paying a lawyer is making me poor.

Kajem posted 5/16/2013 12:33 PM

Will Get By,

One thing I have learned in this situation with X's not forthcoming with information is that I am not the first to go down this path. Nor will I be the last.

They get that he doesn't provide anything you ask for... they just do not want to deal with it.

Hugs,

K

Exit Wounds posted 5/17/2013 14:59 PM

I have NO idea where my ex-h works, or lives, or anything for that matter. So when someone asks me about xyz about him, his employer ect I just say "I have no idea." I know it sounds like *I* am dumb but it's the truth. I have no idea.

Don't feel alone, there are tons of "us" out there...

(((((will get by)))))

caregiver9000 posted 5/17/2013 17:23 PM

(((wgb)))

I understand.

It does feel like the fact that we co-parent with a fucking lower muppet controlled by the strings of Satan himself is somehow OUR ignorant or faulty parenting?? I know what this feels like.

I DON'T KNOW where ex is going to have my children at any given time. I DON'T TRUST that they will be where I think they are, buckled up, around decent/safe human beings, treated decently as human beings, or available to me by phone... yet, I will send them off with a forced smile and abide by the court order that protects their right to time with their father.

The answer to those questions is an exhausting explanation that withholding all such information from me is a game, meant to discourage and frustrate me and that my only recourse is an expensive and fruitless game that only provides HIM with proof of his power to frustrate me. Court ordered to provide information? Who verifies it is true? Who prevents it from changing with the wind? Who holds his feet to the fire when he lies or misleads or takes off on "vacation?" yeah. What the fuck ever.

And every time the question is asked and I have to shrug explain and feel like the idiot who allows this to happen to me and the children the person asking the question becomes an unwitting player in HIS GAME and that usually makes me feel somewhat bitter and frustrated with the question and the asker.

The only solution I have found is to fucking not care what the answer is. Like yeah, whatever. Where you going son? out. When will you be home? later. Sure! have fun!

(((hugs)))