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officially a sociopath

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20WrongsVs1 posted 5/14/2013 16:25 PM

So H and I have always considered me sort of a closet, mostly non-practicing sociopath. But recently I made it official! Because with total disregard for the consequences, I decided to have an affair. Ended up being two.

I've read several threads here, and posted a little, and hope you will indulge me in telling my story. And weighing in with your Wayward experiences and perspectives, which I have come to value.

This whole thing will come out in a few posts, in part because I have my little boy's baseball game to get to. Yep, Mom of the Year, right here!

Key characteristics of a sociopath include:
(1) having no conscience
(2) inability to treat others as human beings, with feelings and rights
(3) inability to learn from experience, from life. One result of this last is gross immaturity, though it may be hidden unless one knows the person well. A sociopath behaves as if he/she were the only person in the whole world and as if everyone else just existed for their benefit and had no existence in their own right.
(4) Sociopaths treat other people as toys and hanker after the power to control and hurt their "nearest and dearest."
(5) Many are monumentally self-important: They may pretend to be millionaires, when in reality they are sliding towards financial disaster.
(6) Habitual dishonesty.

#4 is the only one that IMO doesn't fit me pretty perfectly. #5, half-applies, because I definitely tend to embellish. My BH may weigh in...he knows I am posting here.

Like many recently-outed WS's, I am chock full of justifications and excuses. That's waned in recent days, thanks to long talks with BH and reading on SI.

Maybe in another post I'll explain what my username means, but clearly I felt very wronged. Unwanted, unappreciated, feeling I was owed an affair!

My sociopathy most likely results from being molested as a little girl. Pretty sure that experience left me emotionally stunted. One day, at about age 7 I think, I stood up to that pedophile POS and said "No more." I suppressed the memory from that time until age 18. You hear about that sort of thing, repressed memories, and think--that is BS, right? Honestly when I was 17 I'm sure I said as much! But yeah, that's for real.

So yep, self-esteem in the tank, I signed up on Ashley Madison. And instantly felt like a celebrity! It was a heady thing, being pursued by all those men. Especially when my perception was that my husband didn't really want or appreciate me anymore. I am 41, but damn it, I am hot, and if BH doesn't notice, someone else will!

So I had a few lunch dates and ultimately narrowed the field to two. One local and one overseas, who was in town on business briefly. Overseas guy: we met, kissed, and began regular correspondence. Local guy is a big-shot business owner, and he was all kinds of into me. I was the smartest, wittiest person, and the sexiest woman he had ever met. He quickly fell in love with me, which even I thought was at the time, and disapproved of. I definitely went into this never intending to leave BH or my family. How magnanimous of me, right?

But, whatever, local guy was attractive to me because he rich, brilliant, and ego-boosting.

After a few lunches we met to do the deed! Only Mr. Bigshot lost his erection during foreplay. I excused it.

Next hook-up attempt: same result. The next day he claimed to have a DDay and broke it off, and I was glad that I didn't have to "hurt his feelings" by breaking it off myself.

Fortunately for me, Plan B presented itself. Overseas was returning for a visit, and plans were made. Before he arrived, I started having a crisis of conscience. Of course, I only realize this in retrospect! At the time I was deeply deluded and justifying my plan, disparaging and blaming my husband, etc.

Details of that rendezvous will have to wait. Children to feed.

Even after DD, I still clung to my justification. Which DH enabled by accepting a lot of responsibility in the immediate aftermath. But I'm not going to speak for him; maybe he will share his perspective.

BH is so amazing and I do not deserve him. Forgot that for awhile. Sorry. Sorry is not something I've said often (see 1 and 2 above) in our M. And not often enough in the last few weeks.

We are still in the very early days of, I think and hope, R. We've definitely been through hysterical bonding (which was HOT!), but I'm not sure he's gotten truly angry yet.

Some details have continued to trickle out, but part of my posting here is an effort at total honesty and contrition.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories on SI. More later.

(Edited to remove details which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.)

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 3:05 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

stilllovinghim posted 5/14/2013 17:54 PM

Have you been officially dx as a sociopath or just find similarities? IMHO, a true sociopath would have only written your post to benefit themselves and wouldn't take it as seriously. Obviously you at least appear to be appauled by your actions, a true sociopath wouldn't be. They'd maybe act as though they were but really not mean it.

I don't think you're sociopath but a person who's been through a lot and is seeking answers...this is my unprofessional opinion so take it for what its worth.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 5:55 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

She-Ra posted 5/14/2013 18:15 PM

Hey 20wvs1

Glad you posted your more of your story. I remember when you posted last month and it was an EA that was not a PA yet. Are you sorry that you didn't stop at EA?

In your first post you said your H might be NPD, you two had somewhat of an open relationship and he has slept with 20 women. Now that you are attempting R, have you closed your marriage now?

So as you think you might be a sociopath? Is it possible that you are misdiagnosing both you and yourself? I'm with SLH..

Some of your post struck a chord with me. I too had joined AM and felt like I was having a thrill of a lifetime and naturally felt very entitled to have these affairs. It is taking me a long time to come to terms that I really did all that nasty shit with men I didn't know. The only thing that stopped me from continuing with my AM conquests was that little voice in my head that I kept trying to ignore. That same voice forced me to join SI. That voice in your head also told you to stop and join SI. Sure you went ahead to go take EA to PA but that voice was there all along. That kinda tells me that you are less of a sociopath than you think. You have a conscience but you chose to dismiss it.

In my opinion.. You may need to drop the labels, seek counselling and let the professionals diagnose you. Diagnosing thru google could also convince you that you have other issues too.

Can I just say that I'm glad you had a dday now. Likely this is going to save your sanity, your marriage and family before you destroyed everything. I think you have a chance here if you are willing to do the work

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/14/2013 19:06 PM

Damn. Am I still looking for justification and excuses? I think that's what I'm hearing some of y'all say, and your point is well taken. Keep it coming.

I have never been diagnosed. But I lied and embellished in my previous post...the one before I consummated the EA. BH is not a narcissist; I'll let him describe his own personality if he cares to, and will speak only for myself. Most of what I said about BH was distorted by my own fucked-up lens.

I am appalled that I disparaged my sweet, considerate, hunky husband to you and several cheating POS' s on AM. That is something even I was very sorry about from DD.

I know I should have stopped at the EA. But I was so determined to see it through. Do I wish I had listened to y'all and pulled the plug? I can't answer that question right now. I need to pay attention to the baseball game. Convenient.

authenticnow posted 5/14/2013 19:07 PM


I'm curious about how you and H decided you are a sociopath. I read the list but it doesn't seem logical that a label like that is to be determined by a list by people unqualified to make that determination, in addition to being (obviously) emotionally invested.

It sounds cruel and self defeating actually.

I'm sorry for the trauma you suffered as a little girl. Have you gotten IC to help process and work on healing from that?

In my opinion.. You may need to drop the labels, seek counselling and let the professionals diagnose you.
I agree.

[This message edited by authenticnow at 9:10 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/14/2013 20:12 PM

I'm curious about how you and H decided you are a psychopath

Sociopath. Big difference. And I need to stop speaking for BH. He's kind of jokingly gone along with my amateur diagnosis. The list above applies to me in a lot of ways, but the symptoms could be coincidental.

She-Ra posted 5/14/2013 20:35 PM

Well when you are done watching the baseball game you might want to do some more thinking about your thread.

Yes it does look like you are looking for more justifications and validation here. You also seem to a little too non chalant about it all. Seems to be an act to me. As if you are trying to prove that you are a sociopath. I'm just not buying what you are selling here.

If we wipe away the stories you told us about your BH and your sociopath self diagnosis, I can see that you aren't that different than the rest of us WW. Feeling unappreciated, lonely and entitled to have an affair. Now to say that it's because you are a sociopath is taking the easy way out to digging into yourself and the whys behind it all. Soul searching is what you need to do my dear.

Some of your whys might be easy to figure out and some might take months, just depending on how hard you are trying to learn about yourself. Going to some counselling sessions will be a good start if you haven't already

floridaredman posted 5/14/2013 20:40 PM

If you are a sociopath, how can "we" help you? Surely you want take us seriously for very long if that is the case

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/14/2013 20:41 PM

So this is a tough one. As much as I am sorry for hurting BH and lying and sneaking around...I really do not regret the actual sex. It was exciting and new!

BH and I have a non-traditional relationship and always have. We dabbled in swinging, I am bisexual so we have "had" women together. Mostly before kids came along, but as recently as Feb. 2012.

But it's not quite an open marriage. He is allowed to fuck other women, but has rarely (despite my stupid username) done so. His tally could be close to 20 in 16 years, I guess.

But that's not infidelity, because OK with it and always have been. Maybe I am in denial, but my attitude has always been: go have fun. Just come home to me. Probably it's all a result of my childhood trauma, IDK. Low self-esteem even though you wouldn't guess it from my superficial bluster.

Throughout the years I've always told BH that I never wanted another man. Totally true. But in January that changed. Suddenly I wanted to, due to a long list of reasons. Technically BH always told me I could fuck someone else as long as he never found out about it. But I knew an ongoing EA was never part of that deal--or lying, sneaking around, etc.

My username indicates that part of my justification for the PA was, basically, settling the score. If it's good for the gander, it's good for the goose. That's been a difficult notion to disabuse myself of.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/14/2013 20:44 PM

messedupchick, BH says you nailed me.

Soul searching is pretty new to me. I'm trying.

floridaredman posted 5/14/2013 20:46 PM

ok I'm out

authenticnow posted 5/14/2013 21:10 PM

Sociopath. Big difference.
Thanks for pointing that out. I'm going to edit my post. You looked like you needed some help and I was posting on the fly (family to feed as well).

Looks like you have this under control.

Good luck in your soul searching.

tired girl posted 5/14/2013 22:16 PM

So, since your H said that it was ok for you to do this, how is he dealing with the fact that you did?

I personally don't see the sociopath. Plenty of people have issues with empathy, and other things on that list, due to childhood trauma, it means you are going to have to work harder to fix your shit. That is up to you.

So, are you up to the task of the digging that will be required of going down this road? And where does your H stand on the issue of having a monogamous M going forward?

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/14/2013 23:02 PM


ok I'm out

What's your point? Nobody asked you to be "in" so by calling attention to your withdrawal you're obviously making a statement. Don't be passive-aggressive: spill it.

tired girl posted 5/14/2013 23:12 PM

^^^^Totally agree with that.

floridaredman posted 5/14/2013 23:26 PM

No point to make..nothing to spill

Glad you agree tired girl

hardlessons posted 5/14/2013 23:34 PM

20w, one of the best things I learned navigating this site is take what works and leave the rest. Just as IRL you will find every spectrum and everything in between here. When I first started here I could get distracted by things that weren't important, things that didn't help me be better than I was. Just like walking in a field you learn to step over or around the bull shit and keep moving forward. Keep moving forward. Good luck

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/15/2013 06:17 AM

Thanks for that perspective. The opinions and wisdom expressed so far have been almost universally helpful. Not sure I'm qualified yet to discard anything out of hand, so I'm trying to take it all in.

Thank you again to everyone who is offering their two cents.

She-Ra posted 5/15/2013 18:17 PM

messedupchick, BH says you nailed me.

I thought so.. And the more I think about it, the less I believe you are a sociopath. To me, a sociopath is pretty serious like faking a pregnancy and then stealing a baby. (I was horrified to hear that was a story on Dr Phil today.. )

And you? Well you are a wife that cheated in a vindictive way and now grasping at straws to try to make sense of your outlandish and extremely selfish behavior.

Soul searching is pretty new to me. I'm trying.

It takes a while to dig through.. Once you pull up some stuff that makes sense, it can be scary. When you learn something new about yourself, you can never "un-learn" it. Pretty heavy duty I found. The great thing about this forum is there are a lot of people that can help analyze too. When I first started the process of digging through, I didn't know what to do with it all. I posted what I learned from reading and writing down my thoughts.. when I got stuck, I asked questions here and someone had a different angle or approach that helped me even more. In fact, I've been chewing on quite a bit lately and probably due for a good thread. One thing is for sure, this shit is hard.

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