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Working together and NC

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FeelingSoMuch posted 5/14/2013 17:14 PM

I'm struggling mightly with my WW and OM still working together.

They work in different departments, but on the same floor. There's a chance they'll end up working together in the future.

She tells me there's nothing she can do about that. This is her dream job.

I'm not strong enough to have them seeing each other every day and to risk them working together in the future when we have kids.

It's been nearly three months and she broke NC twice.

Is it too early to draw the line in the sand and say figure out a way to go no contact or I'm walking away or can I hope for some sort of positive outcome here?

#GoingMad

[This message edited by FeelingSoMuch at 5:17 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

5454real posted 5/14/2013 17:30 PM

I'm sorry brother. I don't want to be harsh, but see no other way to express this.

She had an affair. There are ramifications to that. One of the biggest is N/C. I'm sorry, dream job? Hope there's something else equivalent somewhere else. Your feelings about the N/C are obvious.

She needs to make a choice.

Tearsoflove posted 5/14/2013 17:38 PM

If this is her dream job, she shouldn't have tainted it by sleeping with someone she works with. If you can't handle her working there or having contact, you can make that a boundary and decide what your consequence is for breaking it. If you are going to set a boundary, though, you have to be prepared to go through with the consequence. Be prepared for her to be unwilling to quit or go NC. Decide how you feel about that.

FeelingSoMuch posted 5/14/2013 17:48 PM

I have been preparing myself for having to go through with the consequences if she decides to not go NC.

I'm feeling stronger, but not quite there.

For a long time she said she was too ashamed to let anyone know, which is what NC and keeping her job means.

I'm learning that I shouldn't try to control how she does things. That 'a up to her. All I can say is that I need NC. That's not an unfair request.

I'm building up strength to draw that line in the sand and coming up with a coping mechanism if she doesn't (sleeping pills and anti-depressants for a while).

I love her. It was her choice to hurt our marriage. I'm slowly starting to believe that I have the strength to set that boundary.

ms521 posted 5/14/2013 18:59 PM

(((FeelingSoMuch)))

I hear you. WH works on the same floor at OW2, and in the same building as OW1. It is torture, and sometimes I keep myself awake at night wondering if I'm simply too chickenshit to draw a line in the sand when it comes to telling him to choose his job or choose me. For what it's worth, I do believe he would choose me... and the loss of income would 180 our entire lives AND the lives of our kids. And, while he would accept the responsibility for the necessity of quitting that job, I know he would ultimately hate me for forcing it. So I suck it up because I can't stand the thought of adding to the collateral damage of what his A's have already done.

But it is torture. I soooo feel your pain.

For me, NC has been modified to the degree that they don't communicate about anything other than work, and I prefer that communication be limited to email as much as possible. WH gave me the password to the app that allows remote access into his work email account, so I can log in during the day and check. From what I can tell, they're barely communicating at all, even ABOUT work stuff that needs to happen. But that's another story.

Are they breaking our version of NC and high-fiving in the halls or meeting for coffee breaks? I have no idea. But at some point I have to accept things I can't (or am unwilling to) change.

Hang in there. As a FWW myself, I can reassure you that if she IS truly committed to reconciliation, SHE will find a way to help you with this.

hardlessons posted 5/14/2013 19:03 PM

Feeling, no words of wisdom. You know its a boundary and when your ready you'll stick to it. You will Bro hugs)))) Good luck

Rebreather posted 5/14/2013 20:06 PM

Here is the ultimate irony in reconciliation.

You have to PUSH to get what you need. The wayward has to accept some serious consequences and discomfort for it to work.

But the fear that it will end the marriage is real. And it is scary.

Except that failure to act now, may well lead to the end of the marriage anyway. Either their affair will start back up, or you may become so miserable that you can't stay in the relationship any longer.

I think it is better to push hard, early, then to wait. The longer a wayward can remain wayward in thought, ie, her job being more important than your marriage, the longer and harder your recovery will be. You have to risk it to save it.

For me, this would be a deal breaker. I wish you luck as you navigate this.

jellybean22 posted 5/14/2013 21:18 PM

My WH works directly with his AP. it's torture and I hate it. But jobs are hard to come by here and I'm underemployed so he can't quit. I keep hoping she'll find something else.

In the meantime, he sent a NC text telling her he does not want to continue a friendship (they had ended the romantic portion of their relationship before D-day). He told her that they cannot talk about anything that is not work related. No hi, how are you. Nothing.

Now, is he doing that? I don't know. I'm not there. He knows how I feel about it. He knows it's a deal breaker for me. I made that clear in MC.

I think you need to decide what you want. Then you make sure your partner knows exactly what that is and what you're willing to do if it doesn't happen. Then you've got to either trust a bit or check up on it. Or both.

Good luck.

annb posted 5/14/2013 22:42 PM

My WH had an A with a co-worker who worked at a site 3,000 miles across the country.

There was no way I'd allow ANY communication, even on a professional level. It was my way or the highway.

I insisted he find another job...which he did after a very successful 25-year career with the same company.

A sign of true remorse.....

Only you know what YOU need, so if a consequence to her A is finding another job, she must do so in order to save the marriage.

I think it is extremely difficult to R when there is continued contact, any contact.

Has she given you access to her work emails, voicemails, IMs?

My WH also does not have any personal conversations with any of the women in his current dept. Doing everything to help me feel safe.

ETA: He never flinched when I asked him to leave his job. Not once.

[This message edited by annb at 10:45 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

Nogoingback posted 5/15/2013 00:43 AM

Totally get where you're at. This was something I needed too, but something my WW wasn't willing to do, especially because OW has now been on maternity leave for nearly a year. But when she goes back to work, i expect it will be something I can't tolerate. Or the "friendship" will start up again.
Previously I always said "you can't work with her if you want to come back to me". I think in the future I will say "I can't tolerate you working together, so I'm leaving this relationship". It's a subtle difference but an important one. I'm not telling her what to do with the second example, but I'm stating what I can and can't put up with. It's not a demand, it's a statement about my needs only. If she cares, she'll make the right decision. It's only a job. People change roles, jobs, countries all the time for love. What is she willing to do for me?
Same goes for you

meplustwo posted 5/15/2013 06:34 AM

Im really sorry. My WH works with the OW too. He just stated he wanted to R on Friday and swore he hadn't spoken to her since April 26th. I pulled his phone records. They speak several times a day, sometimes late at night. So much for R. He is simply a liar and isn't ready for R or to end his affair. I confronted him and he said he realizes it is wrong, but he's not going to "just stop talking to her." I'm sad I have to do NC and 180 with him again, but I have to. I deserve better and so do you. I am more seriously considering filing for divorce. I have all the papers filled out. I just have to have him served. He's made his choice. Hugs and keep your head up!

numb&dumb posted 5/15/2013 13:10 PM

It's been nearly three months and she broke NC twice.

The trust required to make your peace with the situation isn't going to happen in this kind of environment.

Is it too early to draw the line in the sand and say figure out a way to go no contact or I'm walking away

Not at all. Two outcomes here. One she realizes what the fallout for her choices are and starts looking realizing this as a consequence from her selfish actions(really looking, not just pretending to look). BTW Her telling you this is a dream job in light of her infidelities points to significant selfish traits. Two she refuses and you have a better understanding of where you stand in this M. Can you stay in the M knowing it will always be secondary to her career ?

I would temper the above with what has your W done (actions) to make amends, make you feel safe, or apologize. IC, MC, books, NC letter,etc. Transparency ? Accountable for all and any time? Any of that going on ? Does she seem sorry she got caught versus sorry for hurting you ? Regret, remorse, etc.

Words are easy to say, empty promises are easy but actions are much harder to fake over and over again.

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