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Counselor told me today to file for divorce

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crushedsoul27 posted 5/14/2013 19:10 PM

It was 2/10/13 when I "discovered" my husband was having an emotional affiar and my world crushed beneath me. I confronted him after I was certain what I had discoverd not giving him an opportunity to lie about it by having all my facts straight first (got this advice on not to confront prematurely from a BF who had a cheating spouse) he admitted it and the next day I moved out thinking when I did this he would have an awakening that I meant businesss. I lived with my parents for 6 weeks.

A little background is that I have been with my husband since I was 17, we married when I was 19 and this year would be our 25 year wedding anniversary. We had one child who is 23 and just married in Nov 2012. I thought we were at our prime. Daughter grown and it was "our" time to travel the world and experience life like never before. I had NO idea he was unhappy! We never had fights, enjoyed each others company and had a great time together.

Well I thought he would want to fight for our marrige, but, I was wrong. He says he doesn't know what he wants. He just feels like he needs to move on and go to the next chapter of his life.

I moved out not even 2 weeks to my own apartment and my husband said that he wants to be able to try to figure out what he wants by not having any restrictions. I'm not comfortable with that and told him so and he said that it's what he needs so basicly he wants an "open marriage" while he gets his head straight. He's 46 and the things he says and does seems like he is in a full mid-life crisis.

My counselor said that his behavior shows me he is already divorced in his heart and that I just need to file and get on with my life that I can't move forward until I do. I cry so many times EVERY day that it's just so exhausting.

While I know I won't hurt myself b/c I love my daughter so much there are times I do just pray for death b/c it would be so much easier. I'm beyond devastated and can't belive after 27 years together he isn't even trying to work on making it work.

Anyone else have a similar situation??

MovingUpward posted 5/14/2013 19:15 PM


Welcome to SI. I totally understand what you are feeling and how death would seem appealing. I was there once upon a time. I am glad that I pushed through the rough times for now years later I am really enjoying life. Things are good. Let us help you along your healing journey. You can heal and the folks here are more than willing to help you along the way.

NoraLee posted 5/14/2013 20:08 PM


I agree with your counsellor...if he gets his head out of his ass you can halt the divorce...but if he wants to act like a single man - he needs to get the full treatment. He just better hope you're still interested in R when he wakes up and sees the grass isn't as green as he would've liked!

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/14/2013 20:10 PM

Hi crushed,

i am fairly new to this infidelity thing and don't have my head on straight but i wanted to write to you as I so feel your pain and at the same time I feel so Proud of you for actually getting your own apartment and taking care of yourself in that way instead of staying with a man who is not saying he's yours. I wish I could do the same!!!!

You know I liken it to mourning. When I lost my father, I had no choice. I was forced, forced to mourn. I think about that forced period of mourning when I consider, seriously, disappearing into my own apartment somewhere. Mourning my father was absolute hell but day by day, I did eventually get to a place where i could cope, and SO WILL YOU. And so will i if I am brave enough to do what you did. I completely understand your absolute devastation; it IS devastating and please try to take it one day at a time and just, well i try anyway, to get all ZEN about it and BE with the feelings, even if they are painful. Sorry sorry sorry, hugs!

Dawn58 posted 5/14/2013 20:53 PM

Hi Crushed,

My therapist told me to file for divorce, so I did about 6 weeks after Dday. He asked me to leave the house when I confronted him so I am living in what was to be our retirement home.

My WS did not fight for the marriage, was not interested in counseling or working on the marriage. He has moved on. My WS initially told me that he needed space to figure things out and if I pushed him, he would file for divorce. Now, I know he was just biding time to make sure he had the deal with the skank.

His behavior is way more honest than his words. Trust his actions, do not believe what he says.

I have prayed for death many times. I am 5 1/2 months out and still in so much pain. Death would at least give me some relief from the pain, but I know my son would be devastated. So, I just try to breath through the pain, sob when I need to, scream when I need to and just try to get through each day.

People assure me that a good life waits for me on the other side of this. I miss the life I use to have, the innocence I had, the trust and love I had for the man I married. Now, I am consumed with pain, hurt and anger.

The last few days have been bad. I am crying a lot and just want to hole up in the house. So tired.

You are not alone. Posting here helps me so much. I don't feel so crazy, I feel understood and supported.


Hurt2Deeply posted 5/14/2013 21:10 PM

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I also know how awful betrayal feels. It is the worst kind of pain. He hurt me to the very core of my soul. I know you feel that too.

I admire you for confronting him and not accepting his demands. An open marriage would be so risky and disrespectful. You did the right thing. I know it took courage after being married most of your adult life.

You will find many supportive people here who understand and have a lot of knowledge. Keep posting and reading.



WarpSpeed posted 5/14/2013 22:31 PM

Hang in there crushed. You're going to get through this thing. Its going to suck, but you are going to survive it.

I had a similar situation. Many others here have as well. It took me a few months, but I decided I was going to be happy and I was going to enjoy my life. I started with that and moved forward. In the end, we reconciled, but I know that I was going to be emotionally healthy and happy again with or without reconciliation.

You're not there yet. That's ok. But at some point, have faith, you have a lot of good life in front of you and you will make something wonderful out of it.

Take care.

maxine1 posted 5/14/2013 22:43 PM

I am truly sorry you are in this place, I also have wished death, I still do It would have been easier. I told my WS I would rather die than go through this he said No, I still tell him just kill me and get it over with.

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 5/14/2013 22:59 PM

my husband said that he wants to be able to try to figure out what he wants by not having any restrictions. I'm not comfortable with that and told him so and he said that it's what he needs so basicly he wants an "open marriage" while he gets his head straight.

So basically he told you that he wants to chase tail and lots of it. As painful as it is, please let him go. He is on a path of self destruction, do not let him pull you down with him. Save yourself, file for D and move on with your life. When he hits bottom (and he will) he will have plenty of time to rue his selfish behavior.

Unfortunately, he may contract a serious STD that will be with him for the rest of his life and will be a reminder to him how stupidly he behaved. Meanwhile, you will have your revenge by living well and he gets to regret for the rest of his life what he foolishly threw away. You, my dear, will thank your lucky stars that you are free of that pathetic excuse for a man. You will survive this betrayal. You will live to see another day. One day you will be able to smile again, then laugh gain, then enjoy life again. Please hang on, better times are ahead for you.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/14/2013 23:00 PM

I'm sorry, but your counselor is right.

h0peless posted 5/14/2013 23:06 PM

Please listen to your counselor. The sooner you divorce this guy, the sooner you can get some distance for yourself and start to heal.

mainlyinpain posted 5/14/2013 23:18 PM


So sorry for what you are going through honey. Why did you move out of your home? Go back and kick his ass out. Consult a lawyer pronto to know your rights but if you want your house go back and change the locks. Do the 180 on him, live for yourself and show him what he lost.
All this is so hard and you do not deserve any of it. Does your daughter know? I too wanted to die and the only, only reason to turn my thoughts from that was my son. Then I just wished my husband had died instead, it would have hurt less. Please keep posting so we know how you are doing.

LearningToFly posted 5/14/2013 23:36 PM

I struggle with wanting to die too. Its hurts so much and its been so long since I have had time to enjoy life. For the past 3 years I have been fighting for my drug addicted kids and grieving the lose of both my brother and sister and also my nephew who was such a wonderful kid, only 17 when he was killed by a drunk driver. Two years before that I faced death when it was discovered that I had a brain tumor and had to have brain surgery to remove it. So for the last 5 years my husband felt that I wasn't building him up enough. (I was a bit stressed by all that was going on) He found an old friend that was ready and willing to tell him what a great guy he was and fell "in love" with her with a "love he had never felt before." Thanks husband for all your compassion and support while I tried to survive one heart breaking thing after another. Thanks for being there.

The thing that keeps me here is that the hospice counselor told me that ending my life would hurt my kids to the point where they would never recover. Your daughter just got married and needs you to be there when she has her children, to support her in her own marriage, and to see that you can be strong with or without your husband. (I'm talking to myself too.)

[This message edited by LearningToFly at 11:38 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

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