"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Tough2Know posted 5/14/2013 19:49 PM

I have been married for 12 years and I have a 9 year old son with my wife. In the middle of March, my suspicions were raised because she came home one Sunday morning at 10am after being out with friends all night and had marks on her neck. She walked right into the house, stepped up to me and said, "These look like hickeys, but they're not. We were doing body shots last night." I discovered the affair on April 10th by going through her cell phone and reading her text messages while she was in the shower. I have no local friends or family, nor could I afford to lose my job, so I went to the only place I could for help and shelter--Her parents. They immediately cut her off and will only deal with her in relation to helping with our childcare, as we both work full time. They offered me the opportunity to stay with them and I accepted, but I didn't even make it through the first night. I panicked and returned to my wife before 5am the next day. My wife told me she will not end the affair, nor does she intend to leave me. She needed to take her time to figure out what she wants. That day, I went to a doctor because I was unable to cope at all. I was given drugs for depression and anxiety. She says that she is no longer having sex with the other man, but she still maintains contact with him. She works with him every day. She said she loves me, but she is "in love" with him. She says she could never be in a committed relationship with him, but she seems willing to throw the marriage away in the name of "fun" and "her privacy". I cried every single day since the discovery. I cried to her, to her parents, and in front of my son. On May 12th, Mothers Day, also coincidentally, our wedding anniversary, I discovered this site. I read the FAQs and many articles. I suddenly felt in control of myself. I haven't been through the forums, yet. I believe I'm able to forgive her, and I've told her so, but she is not trying. A lot of the behaviors she is showing are what I've seen in the articles and that gives me hope. Yesterday, she told me she needs to drive the OM to the airport because he has no one else. She has not agreed to NC or any other restrictions. She seems to feel she has gone out of her way to inform me that she will be driving him. It has been over a month, and I'm going to attempt the 180 behaviors. Is this too late? I'm still as hurt as ever and probably more with each passing day. I am embarrassed that I'm having to take anxiety medicine to make it through the day. At least I'm not crying today.

PurpleBirch posted 5/14/2013 19:56 PM

I'm new here too, so I don't have any great wisdom. I just wanted to say that this is a great place for support. Even just reading other people's posts helps me because they have similar stories or they have good quotes that I can copy and re-read whenever things get to be too much.

Also, there is no shame in taking medication when you need it. I do, and others do as well.

[This message edited by PurpleBirch at 7:56 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

NoraLee posted 5/14/2013 19:58 PM

Welcome T2K. I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found us.

Don't be embarrassed about the meds. Betrayal does a number on you psychologically, emotionally and physically. You are commended for doing what's necessary to take care of you.

I'm glad your reading the healing library - a gold mine of info that'll guide you to where you want to go.

It's never too late for the 180...it will protect you as your WW continues her abusive cruel tactics. Be good to your in-laws...you may yet decide to take them up on their offer.

Keep reading, keep posting...you'll find a lot of supportive, wise people here to help you with each obstacle you come to.

(((T2K)))

mysticpenguin posted 5/14/2013 20:14 PM

It sounds to me like you are dealing with a completely unremorseful wayward spouse (WS). Honestly it sounds like she's already completely detached from the marriage.

Because that is the sad truth of your situation, I feel strongly that a 180 is warranted and it is never too late. It will be difficult, but in the coming days and weeks you will feel stronger, more confident, and you will rebuild your self-concept and battered self-esteem. And you'll do it by yourself, so you'll feel more prepared to stand alone if the time comes.

If you want to reconcile with her when the dust settles, the key will still be the 180, in that it makes you willing to lose the marriage and you must be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Keep reading. The General forum and Just Found Out forum (as well as the "I Can Relate" forums that pertain to your situation, i.e. "Betrayed Men") will be your best friend in the coming days & weeks.

((hugs))

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 11:25 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

hatefulnow posted 5/14/2013 23:51 PM

My God. Stay with us and keep posting. We'll help all we can to give you a soft landing, if there is such a thing in this place. Right now take care of yourself: food, lots of water and rest.

I don't like to give a lot of advice because I'm new, but if POSOM is married tell his wife. Consider also telling her employer, because there may be a no fraternization policy.

The worst thing about affairs to me is the bullshit justifications. "I have to take him to the airport. He has no one else.". Give me a break! No cab companies in the area?

PanicAttack53 posted 5/15/2013 01:05 AM

Tough2Know}}}}} - Those are side bro hugs man. I'm sorry you find yourself in this shitty mess and on the only website you thought you'd never have to join. Believe me I feel your pain brother as many of us here did and still do. While this may sound like an oxymoron, I'm glad you're here because *this* is where you'll get the support needed to get though this. And BTW, before I go on here just let me say that as bad as it seems now... You.Will.Get.Through.This

OK, first and foremost you need to understand brother that NONE of this is your fault. Let me repeat that so it sinks in real deep... None.Of.This.Was.Any.Of.Your.Fault! WS's are a bat-shit crazy bunch and will try to do whatever they can to blame-shift, rug-sweep and compartmentalize their A's. It's ALL 100% bullshit in the beginning so just keep remembering the most important BS motto stated twice above.

Second, you absolutely need to concentrate on just *YOU* now. I know this sounds harsh and also hard to do. I'm glad you found the 180 and *YES* you do need to begin to implement it NOW! Do not wait in the hope that your WW will magically have an epiphany and all of a sudden come back to her senses and back to you. Sorry for the bad news dude, but it just doesn't work that way in infidelity.

Understand completely that you have no control over her and that she will *NOT* stop the affair until her (what we term here) fantasy bubble bursts and comes crashing down around her. The only way that will happen is when *SHE* decides to end the A. While she is in that bubble, she's like a crack addict. Even if she isn't having sex with the OM now (BTW, total bullshit IMO), she is still that same crack addict, only now someone is putting the pipe up to her lips and pulling it away before she can take a great big ole hit off it. So run the 180 bro and run it to the letter. BTW, the 180 is not meant to bring your WW back to her senses and it will not stop the A. It is meant for *You* so you can begin the process of detaching from her and this shitty mess she brought down on your marriage. You need to do that detaching T2K so you can regain control of your *Own* life and decide to move on *with* or *without* her. All this probably sounds hardline to you right now but all it really means is that from now on *YOU* are deciding what happens with *Your* life not her. The 180 just helps you take back control of your own life.

Third, Go see an attorney a.s.a.p! Understand that you are not doing this to immediately divorce your WW. Again, you are doing it so you'll know what your options are for you and your son *should you need go that route down the road. And look T2K, I also know this one sounds hard, but you must do it. Why? Because aside from the reasons above, your WW is what we call here a "Cake Eater". In essence all that means is that she wants her cake... (Your home, your food, your money), and also to eat that cake too... (fuck her scuzzy OM and take him to the airport when needed etc...). See the L bro and just find out what your options are. BTW, there is reasoning that has been put out here on SI many times that promotes telling your WW that you've contacted an L. I tend to disagree with that line of thinking in the very beginning because 99.999% of WS's *are* still in their fantasy bubble and are so fucked up mentally that they just may throw everything under the bus because they think their OP's grass is greener. So IMO, see the L but hold off for now telling WW about it.

Forth, Since your WW refuses to end her A and go NC with her AP, it's time to expose WW's & OM's A to who ever you think needs to hear about it. You've already told her parents and God bless them for acting in a responsible manner after you did. However, have you told any one where she works? Anyone in your church? Anyone else who may shed light on her bad behavior? Understand that I normally wouldn't advise a BS to do this. However, in your case I think it's not only needed but totally justified. This is not your burden to bare alone T2K. *YOU* did nothing wrong and *YOU* are the one who has had his life turned upside down. Go to the personnel office where she works and tell them what is going on. Most companies frown heavily on inter office romances, especially when it involves infidelity. You may be asking now... "but how can I do this? Won't they both lose there jobs?" Here's the short answer to that... So.Fucking.What! Really bro, is the money WW's making more important than the fact that she's currently shoving a giant "go fuck yourself" bone up your ass? She's blatant about it T2K and you have to make a hard choice to either just accept it, or stop being her doormat and take some positive action to bring the A to a screeching halt.

Look my friend, A's thrive in the deep dark of secrecy... and they wither and die in the light of day. Remove that cloak and out her to her bosses and if not them, to the personnel department were she works. If not there than your church or who ever else you think will help bring their A out in the open. Until she is out of the A... AND is NC with her AP, you have a less than zero chance of saving your M (if that is what you want to do).

Fifth, DO NOT ask WW to go to MC (marriage counseling) with you right now. The hard fact is that it will never work while she is still in the A and you may as well just flush the money it will cost down the drain. Instead, use that money to get yourself into IC (Individual counseling) a.s.a.p. Remember, you can't control WW and make her end the A and that's not why you should go to IC. This therapy is for *you* only to help you cope with what is going on now in your life. Many of us have been in IC and between that and this site it offered us a lifeline in the early days.

That's enough for now as you already have a pretty full plate my friend. Just remember to come back here often and keep reading/posting. BTW, you can't *Ever* post to much here so let it all out bro, that's what we're here for. Hang in there and stay strong T2K! You can and will get though this!

PEACE

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 1:32 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

traveldad posted 5/15/2013 01:37 AM

First let me say that you are fortunate to have such wise and good in-laws. My jacked up in-laws enabled my XW and even helped her reinvent history.

It's amazing how blind they become over infatuation. No one can compete with the chemistry of a new love interest. My WW said, he can say the same thing as you, but it's just different with him. The problem is her character, not you. Get that in your head. SHE HAS A PROBLEM. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER. If you can understand that, it will make executing 180.

There is nothing wrong with the way you are reacting. You are a man of character, who wants to go the extra mile to save your family. Good Job.

gonnabe2016 posted 5/15/2013 01:48 AM

she told me she needs to drive the OM to the airport because he has no one else

Apparently taxis and airport shuttles don't exist in your neck of the woods. I'm sure that the dumb fuck OM would find some way to the airport in the event that your *even more dumb fuck* WW didn't exist.

T2K, tell your wife that you're really aren't that keen on *sharing*. Give her, oh, about 20 seconds, to decide whether she's *in* or *out* on being your wife.

If she stutters.....then grab a suitcase and tell her that you will help her pack up her stuff. And start loading it up and putting it out on the front porch.

avicarswife posted 5/15/2013 05:19 AM

I am so sorry you are here, this is a great place to get support.

Here is a link to some helpful info including the 180.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Take care of yourself - do what is best for you!

la433 posted 5/15/2013 05:46 AM

Ask yourself this one question.

Would your spouse be this nice to you if you did the same thing to her? I am learning, rather difficultly I might add, that you are not doing yourself any favors by being nice.

Read the article on NC. It is very insightful.

BTW, I don't like the term cake eater. What good is a cake you can't eat? The problem is she could have had all the cake guilt free that she wanted but she chose to eat cake somewhere else.

It's all fun and games until the rubber hits the road and you start making decisions. I'm not really sure there is such a thing as fence riding. The truth is they know what side they really want to be on, but they like the ability to go back and forth through the gate.

I encourage you to close the gate and change the lock. Then you will *know* where she is.

I regret not doing it.