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Does anyone get over a 5 year Lie and how???

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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/14/2013 20:05 PM

hi all. so i recently found out that this Love/sex whatever affair started in fall 2008, when we were very much together although problems were certainly looming, and only April 2013 do I find out. That's nearly 5 years of lying. I tend toward reconciliation but HOnestly I don't think i should EVEN consider it!! there is just TOO much lying. Does anyone feel like this or has anyone found a way to TRULY make peace with such a lengthy lie. BTW we were broken up after 2.5 years of lying; but he's been living in my house as roommate lying since then. Anyone?
Sooooo Confused
Can think straight anymore!

twodoves posted 5/14/2013 20:10 PM

My WH has been cheating for five years. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it.

PurpleBirch posted 5/14/2013 20:21 PM

My WH lied for 7 months (that I know of). I think 5 years of lies is way beyond what I would consider reconciling with, personally. I just don't think I could. I am giving things a shot, but I think that if my WH were truly remorseful, he would've confessed earlier.

30Rocked posted 5/14/2013 20:28 PM

I feel bad for saying this, but I agree...I don't think I could get past 5 years. I don't know if there's an exact cutoff, but that might be too much for me to handle. But only you know what's right for you.

twodoves posted 5/14/2013 20:33 PM

I think it's one of those things where you never really know how you're going to deal with it until you're facd with it, you know?

traditoperanni posted 5/14/2013 20:38 PM

How about 37 yrs of lies. It's not easy. Our MC is making a mint from
I found out partial truth 3 1/2 yrs ago and the whole stinking truth a year ago. I'm still in shock.
My fwh was in some type of A for most of that time . One ow was around for off and on as he puts it for 37yrs.
I don't have an answer for you because I really don't know. You never "get over it" maybe you can heal from it but it will always be a part of you. I guess it depends on the WS and his remorseful they are and what they are doing to help you.

LiedtoLucy posted 5/14/2013 21:07 PM

I just found out that my WH was having an affair for 4 years. We are trying to R. But the ow is now claiming to be pregnant. Which is making matters incredibly difficult. I know how you feel. It isn't easy. We are in MC. I made the decision yesterday that I had to forgive him to begin the healing process. I just have to keep pushing all of the thoughts of them together out of my mind and stop thinking back to all of the times he potentially lied to me in order to be with her. Don't get me wrong I am still very hurt and I won't ever forget. But I know it made a difference in his attitude as well, once I told him that I forgave him. He was a lot easier to talk to. Don't give up...if you want to save your marriage, but you have to realize that your FWH is a broken man right now and is needing to feel human again. I hope this helps.

NoMorDeceit posted 5/14/2013 21:07 PM

My H had quite a few OW over the years but one was around from a few weeks after we met, the whole times we dated, and 5 years into our marriage before I found out. The whole time...that part is still so utterly mind-boggling. I have forgiven the lying. The part that does not go away is that every memory from that time is now tainted and feels like it is based on a lie.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You don't need to make a decision now. For there to be any shot they have to stop lying and some of them are just not capable or willing too.

Hoggy77 posted 5/14/2013 21:37 PM

My WS has been having an PA for a little over 3 years, and I am that the EA started before that, but she has not admitted to it. I am trying to R, but everyday I find myself closer to Divorce. I still love my wife and I wish that we could R, but for me 3yrs of lying just seems too much. I don't know if I could handle 5yrs. I guess like others said, you don't know how you will react until it happens to you.

I wish you the best in your journey, I am only 8 weeks out and still hurt daily, and think of death often. I have a 2yr old daughter as well so I know i would not hurt myself either.

sadtoo posted 5/14/2013 23:07 PM

5 years happened to be my whole marriage. And he lied and cheated the WHOLE time. So, no

Ashland13 posted 5/15/2013 08:12 AM

My STBXH has said things that lead me to believe that my entire life of 20 years with him may be a lie. I am trying not to believe that and people have said they don't by it...some say they think he was saying things to push me away, but I don't know. Horrible things about why he married me at all and some things he said I lied to him about, that he's been storing in the vault and kept hidden resentment... but honestly I don't remember.

He's also hidden things like SA and Porn since I was 17 years old...our entire lives together.

I don't know if this will help anyone and I'm sorry for all of the doubt you all have, but this is what I do.

I live for today. I know it's a cliche and it used to make me angry to be advised it, but it really does help.

The thing about today is, it doesn't have anything to do with the lies. He's gone. He's said them. But he didn't say them today, so today is lie-clean.

Today has no lies in it and today, in the long run, isn't connected to the lies, so in that regard, the lies don't matter. They mattered in regard to the other life I had, but not this one.

A counter-argument could be that they do matter today, because that's why he's not here, and today was built on yesterday, but I've done so much wallowing that's not how I want to think anymore, if that makes any sense.

Getting a strong mental filter has helped me tremendously and one part of it I call, "What does it Matter?" in relation to today and today's needs, what do the lies matter? He's gone, as I said and really, here is a new day and frankly, a new chance to live without the lies. I can choose to continue letting them into my mind and heart, or I can choose to see the sun. I am struggling to see the sun, for it's a brand new blue day outside and I want to put the lies away.

You see, putting the lies away for me doesn't mean they didn't happen or that I forgive him, for it's just too much right now. But I can't find any peace if I continue to keep the lies in my mind and heart and if I allow them in, it keeps them alive, doesn't it? It affects today only if I let them and he doesn't have to have any control over my life if I don't let him.

In reality, I look around and see and feel that he's gone, been gone over a year's time...out of my life and house and every day and that's what has to matter now.

When I'm stronger, I think, let her enjoy the lies. He began their situation based on lies, far bigger ones than with me, then told more to her to get out of them and she accepts it, so let someone else deal with it and make those choices.

I don't have to accept that behavior and disrespect and all of you here on Si don't have to either. It took me a really long time to get to this point, as I loved that man my whole entire adult life so far (It was love at first sight for me), but also, the man I love died for me, too. He did it himself.

I'm sorry to be so long-winded again and hope this will help any of you. These are also my daily and nightly struggles.

I use my filter, lastly, to sort through what matters and take with me in memory only the good things he gave us and work to throw away the bad. I've had to admit there is far less drama when he isn't anywhere around and that's really hard, because he used to be Mr. Problem Solver.

Now he just creates them and leaves them in his wake.

Truly, I think that age-old lies have to be settled in our minds and put under lock and key, so that they don't ruin the rest of our lives and our futures.

It's hard to think of in times of grief, but life with those lies also, are already in the past for us, aren't they?

We don't have to let them ruin today!

doesitgetbetter posted 5/15/2013 13:43 PM

My H had A's for slightly over 5 years when I found out on DDay. We were married during all of them, we had 2 small children during all of them, and he even took our kids to the park and refused to push them on the swing because he was cruising Craigslist for more skanks. Oh, and I'm the proud recipient of a lifetime STD that presents itself on my face, and in a very painful manner... WOOHOO!!! So lots of lies and issues to work through as with everyone who suffers infidelity.

So long story short, yes, it IS possible to get over 5 years worth of lies. I will say that the success of that will be greatly determined by the WS's level of commitment and honesty and openness immediately after DDay and the amount of work they are willing to put in.

I can't quite tell from the numbers you posted, but are you saying for the last 2.5 years you haven't been a couple, and you're wondering if you should R with him? If I'm reading that right, then not a chance in heck! If you're already not a couple, then get the hence out of that place and move on without him. If I misread that, then I apologize.

Anyway, yes, it's possible. I've even seen couples on here where the WS started an A before marriage, continued all through the marriage, and the couple is working on R. And I'm talking long term marriages, like over 30 years. So it's possible.

Bikingguy posted 5/15/2013 13:54 PM

It depends on several factors. But the answer can be yes. At least I hope so as I am dealing with 3*5 years. Yes a 15 super long LTA. I know people here wonder why or how I could stay. But the actions from D day forward from WW have given me hope. Also our M sucked we just did not know how to fix it or even to express our unhappiness. It's been a really short time but we do now have the M we always wanted. Lots of work, MC and IC hopefully will allow us to continue to have a good M.

Every situation is different, however we all deal with the same sort/level of pain. No one would fault you for leaving. However if your WS is truly committed to making amens why not at least try to R. If it does not work out you can at least know you gave it your all.

tabitha95 posted 5/15/2013 14:02 PM

we were very much together although problems were certainly looming

The biggest problems in my M were during the times of his A's. Not all was rosy and bright between those times, but they definately ramped up as he checked out.

I think realizing how much the A affected the relationship and how you were treated is something to consider. Was the relationship bad because the WS was invested in another and you were a nusance?

TMR0601 posted 5/15/2013 14:09 PM

There are certainly people on this board who are reconciling after Long term affairs, how long is a piece of string? i would have said any level of betrayal was a dealbreaker before I found my husband was having an affair.
What is important is that you do what is right for you, what you can come to terms with and that if you do decide to R, then you get everything you need from your H.

My H affair was short and he couldn't cope with what he was doing, he ran away, left his family, in some ways the fact that he couldn't continue to lie helps me with R, on the other I seriously struggle with the fact that he left. We all have our own limits and only you can know yours.

nowiknow23 posted 5/15/2013 14:11 PM

There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for people dealing with long-term affairs. I wanted to point it out in case you hadn't come across it yet.

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