DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
OW had a baby. We do not know if my H is the father.
Together: 16 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 11, 6, 3
Limbo 2 + years after dday
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You don't need to make a decision now. For there to be any shot they have to stop lying and some of them are just not capable or willing too.
I wish you the best in your journey, I am only 8 weeks out and still hurt daily, and think of death often. I have a 2yr old daughter as well so I know i would not hurt myself either.
He's also hidden things like SA and Porn since I was 17 years old...our entire lives together.
I don't know if this will help anyone and I'm sorry for all of the doubt you all have, but this is what I do.
I live for today. I know it's a cliche and it used to make me angry to be advised it, but it really does help.
The thing about today is, it doesn't have anything to do with the lies. He's gone. He's said them. But he didn't say them today, so today is lie-clean.
Today has no lies in it and today, in the long run, isn't connected to the lies, so in that regard, the lies don't matter. They mattered in regard to the other life I had, but not this one.
A counter-argument could be that they do matter today, because that's why he's not here, and today was built on yesterday, but I've done so much wallowing that's not how I want to think anymore, if that makes any sense.
Getting a strong mental filter has helped me tremendously and one part of it I call, "What does it Matter?" in relation to today and today's needs, what do the lies matter? He's gone, as I said and really, here is a new day and frankly, a new chance to live without the lies. I can choose to continue letting them into my mind and heart, or I can choose to see the sun. I am struggling to see the sun, for it's a brand new blue day outside and I want to put the lies away.
You see, putting the lies away for me doesn't mean they didn't happen or that I forgive him, for it's just too much right now. But I can't find any peace if I continue to keep the lies in my mind and heart and if I allow them in, it keeps them alive, doesn't it? It affects today only if I let them and he doesn't have to have any control over my life if I don't let him.
In reality, I look around and see and feel that he's gone, been gone over a year's time...out of my life and house and every day and that's what has to matter now.
When I'm stronger, I think, let her enjoy the lies. He began their situation based on lies, far bigger ones than with me, then told more to her to get out of them and she accepts it, so let someone else deal with it and make those choices.
I don't have to accept that behavior and disrespect and all of you here on Si don't have to either. It took me a really long time to get to this point, as I loved that man my whole entire adult life so far (It was love at first sight for me), but also, the man I love died for me, too. He did it himself.
I'm sorry to be so long-winded again and hope this will help any of you. These are also my daily and nightly struggles.
I use my filter, lastly, to sort through what matters and take with me in memory only the good things he gave us and work to throw away the bad. I've had to admit there is far less drama when he isn't anywhere around and that's really hard, because he used to be Mr. Problem Solver.
Now he just creates them and leaves them in his wake.
Truly, I think that age-old lies have to be settled in our minds and put under lock and key, so that they don't ruin the rest of our lives and our futures.
It's hard to think of in times of grief, but life with those lies also, are already in the past for us, aren't they?
We don't have to let them ruin today!
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
So long story short, yes, it IS possible to get over 5 years worth of lies. I will say that the success of that will be greatly determined by the WS's level of commitment and honesty and openness immediately after DDay and the amount of work they are willing to put in.
I can't quite tell from the numbers you posted, but are you saying for the last 2.5 years you haven't been a couple, and you're wondering if you should R with him? If I'm reading that right, then not a chance in heck! If you're already not a couple, then get the hence out of that place and move on without him. If I misread that, then I apologize.
Anyway, yes, it's possible. I've even seen couples on here where the WS started an A before marriage, continued all through the marriage, and the couple is working on R. And I'm talking long term marriages, like over 30 years. So it's possible.
Every situation is different, however we all deal with the same sort/level of pain. No one would fault you for leaving. However if your WS is truly committed to making amens why not at least try to R. If it does not work out you can at least know you gave it your all.
we were very much together although problems were certainly looming
The biggest problems in my M were during the times of his A's. Not all was rosy and bright between those times, but they definately ramped up as he checked out.
I think realizing how much the A affected the relationship and how you were treated is something to consider. Was the relationship bad because the WS was invested in another and you were a nusance?
My H affair was short and he couldn't cope with what he was doing, he ran away, left his family, in some ways the fact that he couldn't continue to lie helps me with R, on the other I seriously struggle with the fact that he left. We all have our own limits and only you can know yours.
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane