Hi all, new to this forum and cannot explain how I am feeling. Have three kids 6,13 and 15. I worked hard doing shiftwork to support my family and so that the wife only had to work maybe 2x 6 hour shifts per week. I never go to pubs or ouy and always thought that I was the perfect husband and father. My wife recently went back to the local surfclub after an abscence of about 20 years. SShe said that she needed another hobby and soon after became a member of the surf boat crew. Took up a bit of her time training while I was home, ehen not at work, looking after the kids. God I was good to her. When home I would sit out the front with the other fathers, drink lite beer and generally supervise the kids on the road. Don't get me wrong, I use to interact with the kids when possible when not at work, you know like taking them to sports etc but most of the time they just wanted to stay home and attack the computer. My wife also had her gym and coffee shop buddies where shw spend most of the time when I was at work and the kids at school. Probably too much time on her hands. We use to enjoy sex perhaps 2-3 times per wek and then sometimes not at all due to me being a morning person and her a night time perso sexually. About 4 months ago while arriving at a surfclub meet with my 6 year old I noticed another guy rub her up on the shoulders and urge her on before the race. This looked a little awkward for me and later that night I approached her about anything going on. Was met with, I knew you would mention this, of course nothing is going on. Let it sit but uneasy about it. I also knew that he worked for the same company but different section to me. Then she started getting all these text messages every morning and night saying it was her buddies. I then accessed her mobile account and found that they were all coming from the same mobile no. Next day at work looked up this guys phone no and realised that it was his no that she was texting. I had since bought her a new samsung galaxy and was able to track down her old mobile. Went through all the sent and founf media video sent to him with the disguised name of a girlfriend. I opened it up and saw that she sent him a video for his 50th birthday. Was her playing with her tits and said happy 50th birthday, enjoy. I fronted her about it and she said that she was bored and just having a bit of fun, nothing has ever happened betwen them. I left home for 4 days just driving around the state in a kind of mermerised state and finally returned home the day after valentines day. She was dropping the kids to school and then I logged into her facebook saying forgot password. A new one was sent and I accessed her facebook. Shock horroe, while I was away shocked and hurt on Valentines day, she met up with him under a local bridge and had sex. It wasn't the first time as she said o him,amongst other disgusting things that they did to each other, that that was the hardest she had ever felt him. I felt just great. Long story short she rang him, finished it and begged for my forgiveness. I tried but then he was in the male boat crew at the same club and the club then went away to 3 overnight carnivals without me or the kids, the whole time assurring me that it was not going to be repeated. It did my head in and unsuccessfully tried hiring a P,.I to follow her. I then tried to unsuccessfully instal a mobile spy on her phone. She found out about both of these plans, bugger During the next two months we did not talk very much ad basically communicated by way of letter. Me being stressed and on meds, would sometimes abuse her in these letters and virtually tell her how betrayed and hurt I was and selling the house etc. I then found that she had again texted him and aid that she was hurt that he was now seeing someone else. By the way this guy is a serial adulterer as he split from his wife and son 4 and a half years being caught out for the same thing. Again I exploded and it was all too much for her to handle. Now here probably comes the biggest mistake of my life, but doubt it. Her father knew what was going on previously and did not know all the details telling me if his girl said that no affair occurred then he totally believes her. In desperation I sought the advice of her father who I have known for the previous 21 years whilst with his daughter, mother passed on 3 years ago. I showed him a copy of the facebook convo between the two of them. Don't know why but showed him. He could only read the first page and then put it down. She found out and now she has nothing to do with me waiting to sell the house and split. I feel so all alone, hurt and do not know where I go from here. She has severed my ties with the surfclub and my kids involement with me because of his involvement and I know that I can no longer attend the nippers days because of this. I feel she has poisoned the minds of all the members and now me, being the victim, is being frowned upon by them. God knows what shw has told them. My question is am I better without her or did I do the wrong thing
Now for the punch. Going by the times that they had sex under the bridge I can virtually say that he was screwing her on company time as he is a manager who moves up and down the coast with his work. Remember I said that he works for the same govt organisation as me. Initially when this affair came to light I threatened my wife that I was going to report him and that he may lose his job. Well the little missus texted him and tipped him off. Next thing I get a text from him via facebook virtually saying that he did not start this and if I was to report him then he would tell the whole organisation that I could never satisfy my wife. Yep saved the text on my phone however she found it and deleted it. Still thinking about it as I am the most honest person I know and cannot stand this kind of behaviour whilst on company time. I am afraid that it could backfire and that he has covered his tracks. The only proof I have is her confession and a printout of their facebook conversation which gives times. I don't know how this would stand up as I hacked her account to get this info and maybe breaching privacy issues. What des everyone think
regards heartbroken Kirlo
I might add up until I told her father and showed him the printout, that she assured me that she wanted to save the marriage. After disclosing the info to him she just wants out. No ifs or buts and even though I cannot stand to be without her I cannot be with her. I was even thinking of trying just for the sake of the kids. My worst fear is if we separate she will rekindle with him and then he will be part of my kids lives. This scares me as I do not want anyone bringing up my kids, especially my little 6 year old girl. I feel that I have done the wrong thing by my kids for showing her dad the printout and now it is over. I earn around $3900 per fortnight in the hand and if we part will have to give her around $1200 per fortnight. I know with her having minimal work and not much assistance from the govt that they will all struggle. But it was her choice and I feel like I have to sacrifice extra money for them and leave myself short, never to buy my own house again. I am 52 years of age and feel that she will claim half my super when I turn 60. In all, this does not seem fair considering that this guy gets paid pretty well and I would have to supplement their lifestyle.He owns his own house and I cannot fathom why I would have to give them all this money even though I do not want my kids to go short. I am not sure how the law goes but I was even considering taking on any new de facto for the next 8 years so that she would have some claim on my super and not have to give half to the ex. This is all speculation for I do not know if she is still seeing him or whether they would eventually settle together. What do you guys think?? By the way the boat crew is on this Sat night, the kids are on a sleepover at the aunties place and I am on nightwork. She said that rather than drive home under the influence that she will be staying at a girlfriends house who is part of the crew. This kills me to think what might happen.
I am so sorry that you are going through this hellish time.
I threatened my wife that I was going to report him and that he may lose his job.
Well the little missus texted him and tipped him off.
Next thing I get a text from him via facebook virtually saying that he did not start this and if I was to report him then he would tell the whole organisation that I could never satisfy my wife.
Also please check him out to see if he has a wife or girlfriend. I'm sure that would throw a kink into his world. And this is not to be vindictive. Any light that you can shed on their nasty trysts will help her from the 'fog' of Lurrve that she has for him.
Yep saved the text on my phone however she found it and deleted it.
Either way anything that you find, don't share with her. Just keep them to yourself and make a copy and put it in a safe place. Just in case she finds your first copy she wont know about your other stash!
It does not matter that you told her father. It is not your job to keep her nasty secrets.
Hold your head up and 180 her! You pining for her is not helping you! Stop that! I know it is easy for me to say...but I know that you must be willing to blow the marriage up to save it. Just take care of your kiddos and you.
She said that rather than drive home under the influence that she will be staying at a girlfriends house who is part of the crew.
A GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE...SURE!...NOT!
Just know that she will be seeing him Saturday. You know that...right?!
[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 10:29 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
I'm in early stages of D now and have heard some pretty funky things about ExH but I learned the really hard way not to tell him.
He and Ow did really bad things to me on FB and to our daughter and when I tried to talk about it, he yelled at me, called me a liar and defended OW. Told me things like "I better be careful what I say to my lawyer." And so on. Intimidation, I think? Because nonetheless it was all there and I have printouts, but telling him or telling your WW will surely just backfire.
And telling AP anything more will backfire, too. OW makes/made a contest out of stealing my EXH-I know he went-but the one interaction I had with her was soooo horrible and she doesn't know the half of what she's gotten into with accepting him into her life and future.
I will say that it is the most awful, horrendous learning process that I ever had to endure-school math was nothing compared to this and the discovery that my spouse is simply not who he pretended to be for 20 years still haunts me and causes me daily grief.
One thing that helps me finally is no contact, but it took a lot more hurt to learn.
One way I learned this or a piece of advice I will give you is that I think of EXH or Perv as two people. Several people I know in the situation or farther into their futures feel the same.
One part of Perv was "Model Citizen Perv". Long time married man, suit and tie-wearer, Audi driver and so on. Father figure, routine keeper and so on. People looked up to him and admired him.
Now, he is "Disgusting Pervert" and "Model Citizen Perv" died for me a while ago. Perv as he is now is out to get me, to ruin me, to destroy me and this is agony to remind myself of, but that helps and I hope it will help you, too.
Like your WW, he had no intention of coming back, but wasn't ever going to tell me. Never confessed the A to me til I heard it from OW and still tried to carry on.
Sorry for my lengthy message and I spoke of my life in trying to give examples and not generalize.
I imagine you will get all kinds of advice as I am and I've had to work really hard on developing filters, as advice comes for me from each person's life experiences. Some studying of personalities for the last two years has helped me identify Perv in some differnt light and that helps, as people will say, "It's not about you, it's about him."
Yes, we have one child and one on the way and something I spend a long time is trying to reconcile in my mind, Perv the Father and Perv the Cheater, because I don't know how to imagine him as a good roll model any longer for DD who is going into puberty and somehow having to trust him wth this baby that's coming.
I now have panic until our daughter comes home if she is with him and I don't know how to settle that feeling and I hope it won't happen for you. Part of it is from his abandoning us in the middle of the night several times.
I do understand your frustration and hope that you will be able to come to terms with the things happening in your life.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Only you can decide when you are not willing to be walked over by her. AT that point, making your next decisions will be easier. Each person has a different time frame.
Take care of yourself.
At this point, it doesn't matter what her "friends" think of you. She's just a notch to this guy and it looks like she'll learn that fairly soon. It will likely implode all over that club.
Go to the healing library on the left hand side of your screen. Select BS FAQs and read #11- the 180. Start distancing yourself from her so you can save your sanity.
Right now you can't waste your energy spying or tracking or trying to make sense of her crap, she's in crazy land and she wants to live there at the moment. Focus on what is important, your mental health ( crazy ws's can make us crazy ) and your kids. Talk to a lawyer, get the facts, some places use infidelity against the spouse, so she may not qualify for spousal support and it could factor into custody, so find out.
Keep records of everything separate from where she can find them. Don't engage with her just state what you are doing and let it go. You have done nothing wrong here, look at the 180 to help stay focused on reality and not get sucked into her drama.
And one last thing, that you mentioned briefly and I know many guys think this way, her behavior has nothing to do with sex with you. She was feeling unhappy, inadequate, old, insecure something of that nature, something we all feel from time to time and rather than looking hard at herself and working to figure out how to feel happier she decided to seek attention, get someone else to tell her she's pretty, nice whatever to boost her ego and pretend none of the hard stuff in life exists. It's like getting drunk when things are bad, sure you feel great for a couple hours but it's fake, it's not real, your wife is trying to live in that so she doesn't have to sober up.
Protect yourself, focus on you and the kids and keep yourself emotionally distant from her crazy.