"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Kirlo posted 5/14/2013 20:26 PM

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Hi I initially had this posted under general topics but a few said that I should post it under this section.

Hi all, new to this forum and cannot explain how I am feeling. Have three kids 6,13 and 15. I worked hard doing shiftwork to support my family and so that the wife only had to work maybe 2x 6 hour shifts per week. I never go to pubs or ouy and always thought that I was the perfect husband and father. My wife recently went back to the local surfclub after an abscence of about 20 years. SShe said that she needed another hobby and soon after became a member of the surf boat crew. Took up a bit of her time training while I was home, ehen not at work, looking after the kids. God I was good to her. When home I would sit out the front with the other fathers, drink lite beer and generally supervise the kids on the road. Don't get me wrong, I use to interact with the kids when possible when not at work, you know like taking them to sports etc but most of the time they just wanted to stay home and attack the computer. My wife also had her gym and coffee shop buddies where shw spend most of the time when I was at work and the kids at school. Probably too much time on her hands. We use to enjoy sex perhaps 2-3 times per wek and then sometimes not at all due to me being a morning person and her a night time perso sexually. About 4 months ago while arriving at a surfclub meet with my 6 year old I noticed another guy rub her up on the shoulders and urge her on before the race. This looked a little awkward for me and later that night I approached her about anything going on. Was met with, I knew you would mention this, of course nothing is going on. Let it sit but uneasy about it. I also knew that he worked for the same company but different section to me. Then she started getting all these text messages every morning and night saying it was her buddies. I then accessed her mobile account and found that they were all coming from the same mobile no. Next day at work looked up this guys phone no and realised that it was his no that she was texting. I had since bought her a new samsung galaxy and was able to track down her old mobile. Went through all the sent and founf media video sent to him with the disguised name of a girlfriend. I opened it up and saw that she sent him a video for his 50th birthday. Was her playing with her tits and said happy 50th birthday, enjoy. I fronted her about it and she said that she was bored and just having a bit of fun, nothing has ever happened betwen them. I left home for 4 days just driving around the state in a kind of mermerised state and finally returned home the day after valentines day. She was dropping the kids to school and then I logged into her facebook saying forgot password. A new one was sent and I accessed her facebook. Shock horroe, while I was away shocked and hurt on Valentines day, she met up with him under a local bridge and had sex. It wasn't the first time as she said o him,amongst other disgusting things that they did to each other, that that was the hardest she had ever felt him. I felt just great. Long story short she rang him, finished it and begged for my forgiveness. I tried but then he was in the male boat crew at the same club and the club then went away to 3 overnight carnivals without me or the kids, the whole time assurring me that it was not going to be repeated. It did my head in and unsuccessfully tried hiring a P,.I to follow her. I then tried to unsuccessfully instal a mobile spy on her phone. She found out about both of these plans, bugger During the next two months we did not talk very much ad basically communicated by way of letter. Me being stressed and on meds, would sometimes abuse her in these letters and virtually tell her how betrayed and hurt I was and selling the house etc. I then found that she had again texted him and aid that she was hurt that he was now seeing someone else. By the way this guy is a serial adulterer as he split from his wife and son 4 and a half years being caught out for the same thing. Again I exploded and it was all too much for her to handle. Now here probably comes the biggest mistake of my life, but doubt it. Her father knew what was going on previously and did not know all the details telling me if his girl said that no affair occurred then he totally believes her. In desperation I sought the advice of her father who I have known for the previous 21 years whilst with his daughter, mother passed on 3 years ago. I showed him a copy of the facebook convo between the two of them. Don't know why but showed him. He could only read the first page and then put it down. She found out and now she has nothing to do with me waiting to sell the house and split. I feel so all alone, hurt and do not know where I go from here. She has severed my ties with the surfclub and my kids involement with me because of his involvement and I know that I can no longer attend the nippers days because of this. I feel she has poisoned the minds of all the members and now me, being the victim, is being frowned upon by them. God knows what shw has told them. My question is am I better without her or did I do the wrong thing
regards
Kirlo

Kirlo posted 5/14/2013 20:28 PM

The 2nd part

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Now for the punch. Going by the times that they had sex under the bridge I can virtually say that he was screwing her on company time as he is a manager who moves up and down the coast with his work. Remember I said that he works for the same govt organisation as me. Initially when this affair came to light I threatened my wife that I was going to report him and that he may lose his job. Well the little missus texted him and tipped him off. Next thing I get a text from him via facebook virtually saying that he did not start this and if I was to report him then he would tell the whole organisation that I could never satisfy my wife. Yep saved the text on my phone however she found it and deleted it. Still thinking about it as I am the most honest person I know and cannot stand this kind of behaviour whilst on company time. I am afraid that it could backfire and that he has covered his tracks. The only proof I have is her confession and a printout of their facebook conversation which gives times. I don't know how this would stand up as I hacked her account to get this info and maybe breaching privacy issues. What des everyone think
regards heartbroken Kirlo

Kirlo posted 5/14/2013 20:30 PM

And the 3rd part

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I might add up until I told her father and showed him the printout, that she assured me that she wanted to save the marriage. After disclosing the info to him she just wants out. No ifs or buts and even though I cannot stand to be without her I cannot be with her. I was even thinking of trying just for the sake of the kids. My worst fear is if we separate she will rekindle with him and then he will be part of my kids lives. This scares me as I do not want anyone bringing up my kids, especially my little 6 year old girl. I feel that I have done the wrong thing by my kids for showing her dad the printout and now it is over. I earn around $3900 per fortnight in the hand and if we part will have to give her around $1200 per fortnight. I know with her having minimal work and not much assistance from the govt that they will all struggle. But it was her choice and I feel like I have to sacrifice extra money for them and leave myself short, never to buy my own house again. I am 52 years of age and feel that she will claim half my super when I turn 60. In all, this does not seem fair considering that this guy gets paid pretty well and I would have to supplement their lifestyle.He owns his own house and I cannot fathom why I would have to give them all this money even though I do not want my kids to go short. I am not sure how the law goes but I was even considering taking on any new de facto for the next 8 years so that she would have some claim on my super and not have to give half to the ex. This is all speculation for I do not know if she is still seeing him or whether they would eventually settle together. What do you guys think?? By the way the boat crew is on this Sat night, the kids are on a sleepover at the aunties place and I am on nightwork. She said that rather than drive home under the influence that she will be staying at a girlfriends house who is part of the crew. This kills me to think what might happen.
regards Kirlo

Getting to Happy posted 5/14/2013 22:28 PM

Hey Kirlo,

I am so sorry that you are going through this hellish time.

Stay strong.

I threatened my wife that I was going to report him and that he may lose his job.

Next time you feel the need to to something, anything, don't tell her!! She is the enemy, a pod person right now.

Well the little missus texted him and tipped him off.

UGH!

Next thing I get a text from him via facebook virtually saying that he did not start this and if I was to report him then he would tell the whole organisation that I could never satisfy my wife.

Don't let this douche intimidate you. Your WW is broken. He is just using her. Whatever he says, it does not matter. He is a prick! And soon he will be a prick without a job! Work on that Kirlo.

Also please check him out to see if he has a wife or girlfriend. I'm sure that would throw a kink into his world. And this is not to be vindictive. Any light that you can shed on their nasty trysts will help her from the 'fog' of Lurrve that she has for him.

Yep saved the text on my phone however she found it and deleted it.

You said this POS AP sent it to you on Facebook. You can retreive messages from your timeline and PM's. Try that.

Either way anything that you find, don't share with her. Just keep them to yourself and make a copy and put it in a safe place. Just in case she finds your first copy she wont know about your other stash!

It does not matter that you told her father. It is not your job to keep her nasty secrets.

Hold your head up and 180 her! You pining for her is not helping you! Stop that! I know it is easy for me to say...but I know that you must be willing to blow the marriage up to save it. Just take care of your kiddos and you.

She said that rather than drive home under the influence that she will be staying at a girlfriends house who is part of the crew.

A GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE...SURE!...NOT!

Just know that she will be seeing him Saturday. You know that...right?!

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 10:29 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

maxine1 posted 5/14/2013 22:32 PM

Very sorry you are here, I would contact a lawyer before you do anything. And do it ASAP. You will get very good advice from the people here. Take care of yourself first.

Kirlo posted 5/15/2013 06:45 AM

bump to the top again as need advice

Ashland13 posted 5/15/2013 07:48 AM

These are good pieces of advice, Kirlo.

I'm in early stages of D now and have heard some pretty funky things about ExH but I learned the really hard way not to tell him.

He and Ow did really bad things to me on FB and to our daughter and when I tried to talk about it, he yelled at me, called me a liar and defended OW. Told me things like "I better be careful what I say to my lawyer." And so on. Intimidation, I think? Because nonetheless it was all there and I have printouts, but telling him or telling your WW will surely just backfire.

And telling AP anything more will backfire, too. OW makes/made a contest out of stealing my EXH-I know he went-but the one interaction I had with her was soooo horrible and she doesn't know the half of what she's gotten into with accepting him into her life and future.

I will say that it is the most awful, horrendous learning process that I ever had to endure-school math was nothing compared to this and the discovery that my spouse is simply not who he pretended to be for 20 years still haunts me and causes me daily grief.

One thing that helps me finally is no contact, but it took a lot more hurt to learn.

One way I learned this or a piece of advice I will give you is that I think of EXH or Perv as two people. Several people I know in the situation or farther into their futures feel the same.

One part of Perv was "Model Citizen Perv". Long time married man, suit and tie-wearer, Audi driver and so on. Father figure, routine keeper and so on. People looked up to him and admired him.

Now, he is "Disgusting Pervert" and "Model Citizen Perv" died for me a while ago. Perv as he is now is out to get me, to ruin me, to destroy me and this is agony to remind myself of, but that helps and I hope it will help you, too.

Like your WW, he had no intention of coming back, but wasn't ever going to tell me. Never confessed the A to me til I heard it from OW and still tried to carry on.

Sorry for my lengthy message and I spoke of my life in trying to give examples and not generalize.

I imagine you will get all kinds of advice as I am and I've had to work really hard on developing filters, as advice comes for me from each person's life experiences. Some studying of personalities for the last two years has helped me identify Perv in some differnt light and that helps, as people will say, "It's not about you, it's about him."

Yes, we have one child and one on the way and something I spend a long time is trying to reconcile in my mind, Perv the Father and Perv the Cheater, because I don't know how to imagine him as a good roll model any longer for DD who is going into puberty and somehow having to trust him wth this baby that's coming.

I now have panic until our daughter comes home if she is with him and I don't know how to settle that feeling and I hope it won't happen for you. Part of it is from his abandoning us in the middle of the night several times.

I do understand your frustration and hope that you will be able to come to terms with the things happening in your life.

brkn_heartd posted 5/15/2013 20:45 PM

Kirlo,
You have received some good advice. Your WW is broken. Do not discuss any plans with her. She is embarrassed by the fact her father knows about her actions. Until you decide you want out or at a point of no tolerance, she will still keep pushing you. It was not until I was DONE that my WH decided to get his head out of his tush. However, I meant it and he knew it. As long as I was wishy-washy he walked all over me. He waited too long...it has permanently broken my heart I am afraid.

Only you can decide when you are not willing to be walked over by her. AT that point, making your next decisions will be easier. Each person has a different time frame.

Take care of yourself.

Kirlo posted 6/3/2013 06:37 AM

Bit of an update. Been still living under the same roof all for the sake of the kids, Don't really want to live apart from them although I want to get her out of my life, sort of sacrificing myself for them and will do it for as long as I can. I have just found out that she has a second mobile phone, although she doesn't know I know, Hmmm direct line to him or why else. I know that she has bee trashing my name around the traps all with me not saying a word to anyone. Recently the dumb bitch facebooked him again leaving the message in her archived space. How dumb is she. Apparently now the maggot is now texting her boatie girlfriend and saying all the right things just like he did to my wife, Because this other girl is a bit of a flirt, she couldn't help but mentioning it to the rest of the boatcrew, Don't forget no one knows that the missus has had a two month affair with the same jerk, After she shared this with the rest of the boat crew, including my wife,it seems that the wife got a little jealous and facebooked him trashing the girls name and morals and even said that she was hurting by his affection towards the other girl. I have printouts of this convo as well as the original disgusting convo between them. I am so tempted to print off dozens of copies of both convo's and send them to all that know her. This would truly let people know what she is really like and let her supposedly best boatie crew mate know what she said about her to him..What do you think???????

Holly-Isis posted 6/3/2013 10:07 AM

I think you should always act with caution and dignity. If you divorce, you want the law to be on your side as much as possible. Acting like the crazy jealous betrayed husband won't help you.

At this point, it doesn't matter what her "friends" think of you. She's just a notch to this guy and it looks like she'll learn that fairly soon. It will likely implode all over that club.

Go to the healing library on the left hand side of your screen. Select BS FAQs and read #11- the 180. Start distancing yourself from her so you can save your sanity.

movingforward13 posted 6/3/2013 15:49 PM

I would use those print out to aid with your divorce and full custody of the kids. Fuck that bitch

mepe27 posted 6/4/2013 09:16 AM

I don't think sharing with her father was a mistake. I think we all need comfort and validation in the early stages most. Our WS would be the person we seek that from and they are telling us we're crazy and wrong so seeking out another person we respect and value is only natural. WS's that are in the fog are clinging to the fog with dear life, if they have to face reality they have to face the consequences of their actions and actually recognize their shitty behavior, they don't want to do that at any cost in my experience, if it means more lies, if it means crushing your spirit, they will do it. When she comes out of the fog she won't even remember half the shit she's done, they block it out b/c it's so messed up.

Right now you can't waste your energy spying or tracking or trying to make sense of her crap, she's in crazy land and she wants to live there at the moment. Focus on what is important, your mental health ( crazy ws's can make us crazy ) and your kids. Talk to a lawyer, get the facts, some places use infidelity against the spouse, so she may not qualify for spousal support and it could factor into custody, so find out.
Keep records of everything separate from where she can find them. Don't engage with her just state what you are doing and let it go. You have done nothing wrong here, look at the 180 to help stay focused on reality and not get sucked into her drama.
And one last thing, that you mentioned briefly and I know many guys think this way, her behavior has nothing to do with sex with you. She was feeling unhappy, inadequate, old, insecure something of that nature, something we all feel from time to time and rather than looking hard at herself and working to figure out how to feel happier she decided to seek attention, get someone else to tell her she's pretty, nice whatever to boost her ego and pretend none of the hard stuff in life exists. It's like getting drunk when things are bad, sure you feel great for a couple hours but it's fake, it's not real, your wife is trying to live in that so she doesn't have to sober up.

Protect yourself, focus on you and the kids and keep yourself emotionally distant from her crazy.