These are good pieces of advice, Kirlo.
I'm in early stages of D now and have heard some pretty funky things about ExH but I learned the really hard way not to tell him.
He and Ow did really bad things to me on FB and to our daughter and when I tried to talk about it, he yelled at me, called me a liar and defended OW. Told me things like "I better be careful what I say to my lawyer." And so on. Intimidation, I think? Because nonetheless it was all there and I have printouts, but telling him or telling your WW will surely just backfire.
And telling AP anything more will backfire, too. OW makes/made a contest out of stealing my EXH-I know he went-but the one interaction I had with her was soooo horrible and she doesn't know the half of what she's gotten into with accepting him into her life and future.
I will say that it is the most awful, horrendous learning process that I ever had to endure-school math was nothing compared to this and the discovery that my spouse is simply not who he pretended to be for 20 years still haunts me and causes me daily grief.
One thing that helps me finally is no contact, but it took a lot more hurt to learn.
One way I learned this or a piece of advice I will give you is that I think of EXH or Perv as two people. Several people I know in the situation or farther into their futures feel the same.
One part of Perv was "Model Citizen Perv". Long time married man, suit and tie-wearer, Audi driver and so on. Father figure, routine keeper and so on. People looked up to him and admired him.
Now, he is "Disgusting Pervert" and "Model Citizen Perv" died for me a while ago. Perv as he is now is out to get me, to ruin me, to destroy me and this is agony to remind myself of, but that helps and I hope it will help you, too.
Like your WW, he had no intention of coming back, but wasn't ever going to tell me. Never confessed the A to me til I heard it from OW and still tried to carry on.
Sorry for my lengthy message and I spoke of my life in trying to give examples and not generalize.
I imagine you will get all kinds of advice as I am and I've had to work really hard on developing filters, as advice comes for me from each person's life experiences. Some studying of personalities for the last two years has helped me identify Perv in some differnt light and that helps, as people will say, "It's not about you, it's about him."
Yes, we have one child and one on the way and something I spend a long time is trying to reconcile in my mind, Perv the Father and Perv the Cheater, because I don't know how to imagine him as a good roll model any longer for DD who is going into puberty and somehow having to trust him wth this baby that's coming.
I now have panic until our daughter comes home if she is with him and I don't know how to settle that feeling and I hope it won't happen for you. Part of it is from his abandoning us in the middle of the night several times.
I do understand your frustration and hope that you will be able to come to terms with the things happening in your life.