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jjsr (original poster member #34353) posted at 4:39 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2013
So ok we are at MC tonight and we are talking and he says he doesn't feel guilty anymore. When he said that I said "What?" He says he cant feel guilty all the rest of his life. He feels bad for what he has done, and says he wont do it again but he doesn't feel guilty anymore. Now I know you guys know what I was thinking as he is talking and when he is done the MC tells us both that in order for us to completely R then FWH has to let go of his guilt. I get that on an intellectual level but on an emotional level, I am not there yet. I WANT him to feel guilty!!!! This crap if for the birds.
[This message edited by jjsr at 10:40 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]
Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.
sudra ( member #30143) posted at 5:41 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2013
Perhaps he is interchanging guilty with shame. Just a thought. Or perhaps he just means he has forgiven himself.
But yea, I hear ya!
[This message edited by sudra at 11:41 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]
Me (BW) (5\64), Him(SAWH) (68)Married 31 years, 1 son (28), 1 stepdaughter (36) DDay #1 January 2004DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)Working on R
La Traviata ( member #14941) posted at 5:49 AM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2013
Oh, my WS "forgave himself" while he was in rehab less than 60 days after DDay (the affair was further in the past for him but it was still new to me.)
I put it this way: "when we got married, we started on a hike together. Along the way one or the other of us fell behind and caught up, and once you took a very wrong turn. Us going forward means you have to catch up with where I am. I'm not going to go back to find you. You catch up or I'll go on without you."
me: BW 31
him: WH, 29
DDay: 4/16/12
RelapseDay:4/15/13
A year of false R. I grew and worked, he didn't. He took off his wedding ring during an alcoholic relapse, I packed and left the next day. I went back 8 weeks later, working hard
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:40 PM on Wednesday, May 15th, 2013
'Guilt' is more about 'poor me for getting caught' than anything else, and giving that up is a good step toward healing.
Remorse is more about 'what can I do to help you heal and build a great new relationship'. If that's not there, R is likely to be impossible.
He's got to forgive himself, but he's also got to be remorseful. What doe he and your MC say about that?
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
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