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jjsr posted 5/14/2013 22:39 PM

So ok we are at MC tonight and we are talking and he says he doesn't feel guilty anymore. When he said that I said "What?" He says he cant feel guilty all the rest of his life. He feels bad for what he has done, and says he wont do it again but he doesn't feel guilty anymore. Now I know you guys know what I was thinking as he is talking and when he is done the MC tells us both that in order for us to completely R then FWH has to let go of his guilt. I get that on an intellectual level but on an emotional level, I am not there yet. I WANT him to feel guilty!!!! This crap if for the birds.

[This message edited by jjsr at 10:40 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

sudra posted 5/14/2013 23:41 PM

Perhaps he is interchanging guilty with shame. Just a thought. Or perhaps he just means he has forgiven himself.

But yea, I hear ya!

[This message edited by sudra at 11:41 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

La Traviata posted 5/14/2013 23:49 PM

Oh, my WS "forgave himself" while he was in rehab less than 60 days after DDay (the affair was further in the past for him but it was still new to me.)

I put it this way: "when we got married, we started on a hike together. Along the way one or the other of us fell behind and caught up, and once you took a very wrong turn. Us going forward means you have to catch up with where I am. I'm not going to go back to find you. You catch up or I'll go on without you."

sisoon posted 5/15/2013 11:40 AM

'Guilt' is more about 'poor me for getting caught' than anything else, and giving that up is a good step toward healing.

Remorse is more about 'what can I do to help you heal and build a great new relationship'. If that's not there, R is likely to be impossible.

He's got to forgive himself, but he's also got to be remorseful. What doe he and your MC say about that?