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FR2012 posted 5/14/2013 23:18 PM

So just an update on how things are going here with us.

A lot has been going on in the past while.

At the end of April our son was born. The labour and delivery went well. And he is healthy.

Ever since he has been born though, I have found myself being very emotional. I cry more now than I have in a while. Sometimes it's at nothing too. But recently I have been upset because I have been breastfeeding our son but he hasn't been gaining the weight that he should be. So when we went to the doctors yesterday the doctor was concerned about his weight and told me to pretty much stop breastfeeding him and put him on formula so that he could gain weight. Honestly that was a kick to the gut for me. It made me so upset because if I stop then I fee like I am giving up on my son. I just want what's best for him. I feel like him not gaining weight is because of me and I feel like I am a failure.

We also found out today that we got approved for a new home. So we are now moving in August. I am so excited about that. I think it will give us a chance to heal more in our process of reconciliation. Our place right now has a lot of bad memories. So I think moving will help us get away from the negativity associated with the old place and be able to make new memories.

On top of that, have all been sick lately. I was up the other night all night with our daughter who was throwing up all over the place. I worry about her when she gets like this because I feel helpless.

I have just had so much on me the past while and it's all starting to get overwhelming. I am stressing out about anything and everything lately and I don't know how to handle these emotions.

My husband is doing everything he can to help me with my emotions. He tries to get me to talk to him but I feel like with all that is going on with me that I would be burdening him with my problems. So I keep things to myself.

Honestly, I am still getting used to opening up about my feelings and emotions to my husband. I am still unsure of how to be so open with my feelings.

While I was pregnant with our son, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist about some depression I was having about a year ago. He told me that everything seemed okay with me and that he wanted to follow up with me. So I am supposed to make an appointment to go see him to see how I am doing. To make sure I am not having PPD at all. I am actually nervous about making an appointment with him though because of all the emotions going through me right now and with me getting overwhelmed with everything. I really don't want to be put on medication or anything.

Anyway, so that is pretty much what's been happening with us.

Thanks for reading.

cdnmommy posted 5/15/2013 00:49 AM

Congrats on your new baby!

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. It is still early, so hard to say whether it is PPD or just some baby blues, but best to talk to someone. So what if you need medication? There is no shame in it and you owe it to yourself to feel the best you can. No one gives you a medal for struggling through depression with no meds, so do what you have to in order to be healthy.

As for the nursing, don't give it up if you don't want to. You may need to supplement with formula (or you may not- some doctors are woefully ignorant about breastfeeding so I suggest talking to a lactation consultant) but if you do need to supplement there is nothing saying you can't do both. I have a pituitary tumor that affects my milk supply, and nothing I did was going to change that, so I did both. :) it worked well for me.

Take care of yourself and keep checking in. (((FR2012)))

Jrazz posted 5/15/2013 01:13 AM

***TMI warning for those who can't handle picturing feeding babies with boobies.***

I can definitely speak to the having to give up breastfeeding piece.

DD's bilirubins (jaundice) were a little too high when she was born, and we had to put a machine type thing on her for phototherapy for the first three days. (Bili blanket, anyone?) It was a machine with a cable, like, 2" in diameter and a light pad that spanned her back. It made breastfeeding difficult to say the least, and I was anxious about her health. That coupled with some other stress seemed to affect my milk supply and DD would be screaming hungry all the time so I would supplement with formula which would further hinder my supply. (Even though I was pumping like 6 times a day.)

It was taking a huge emotional toll on me. Like you, I felt like I was failing DD. All the talk about immunity and bonding.. and it was slipping through my fingers and I was devastated. I started trying supplements, I got an industrial strength pump from the hospital... nothing was helping.

Then, at one of DD's regular pediatric visits, her doctor very kindly and gently told me that she wanted to officially ask me to stop trying. I started sobbing. She sat there and held me and talked about all the children that have been raised on formula and are PERFECTLY. HEALTHY. She talked to me about how holding DD while feeding her created a bond, and allowed FWH to do the same.

She insisted that my anxiety over the process was going to wear more on me and the baby than anything, and if it helped aleviate my guilt she was absolutely ordering me to stop trying, and she would watch DD like a hawk to give me peace of mind.

It was scary, but a weight was definitely lifted. It was hard at first, but DD is strong and healthy and brilliant and happy, and she probably only got milk from me for a couple weeks total.

I hope that everyone in your home starts to feel better. Please don't feel like you're giving up on your son. Acknowledge that your emotions are running really high right now, and when you start to panic just breathe breathe breathe.

It really and truly will be ok. Talk to your doctors and seek as much help and reassurance as you can.

(((FR2012)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:13 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

isadora posted 5/15/2013 05:06 AM

Congrats on the baby.

Be kind to yourself. Keep the appointment, it's ok to reach out for help.

Feeding formula to a baby does not make you a failure. Can you pump for a few days to check your milk supply and supplement with formula. DD1 had jaundice and difficulty nursing at first

Hang in there.

tired girl posted 5/15/2013 12:15 PM

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. I know sometimes juggling two and everything that comes with it can be hard.

As far as the nursing, I had three kids and all three were different. My first struggled the whole time I nursed him, he was colicky, not happy, not really gaining, we were both miserable. I finally started giving him some formula and he became a happy baby. My second, if you brought a bottle anywhere near him he would scream, he nursed great. My third, he didn't care where the food came from as long as he had it. I was devastated when I had to stop nursing him to have surgery when he was 10 wks old. But he survived and was a very happy baby.

The depression. I too fought going on meds three years ago. I can honestly tell you, it was the best thing I did for me, for us, and for my family. If you do go on meds, it doesn't mean it is for life. It has been a rough year, lots of ups and downs. Sometimes we need help.

That is awesome about your house.

cdnmommy posted 5/15/2013 14:27 PM

Just an update to my post: I didn't mean to imply you have to continue to nurse if it is too stressful. When I had PPD everyone told me to stop breastfeeding but it was mentally hard for me to give up, and it just made me more depressed. When I found an amazing LC who said to me "You have no choice but to supplement, but if you really want to keep nursing as well, you should!" I was able to be less stressed about him not gaining weight, but could still nurse without supplementing at night so that I wasn't having to get up and fiddle with bottles.

Bottom line: when it comes to feeding your son, do what works best for you and him. Not being able to exclusively breast feed does not make you a failure.

How are you doing today?

just friends? posted 5/17/2013 03:20 AM

Congrats.

FR2012 posted 5/17/2013 13:42 PM

cdnmommy:

Thank you. It feels nice to finally have him here now.

I am slowly coming to terms with things now. I don't think I have PPD, I think you are right and maybe it's just the baby blues. I am not saying that it is a bad thing to be on medication. I just don't want to have to rely on any
medication in order to feel normal. You are right though, I do owe it to myself to feel the best I can. I am working on that now. I am doing what I can now to make myself feel healthy again.

As for nursing, I am not giving up. I don't want to feel like I am giving up on our son. I am going to continue to breastfeed him and just supplement formula if he is still hungry afterwards. I think a problem is that I might not be producing enough milk to fill him up. So we are doing both now.

Thank you for the concern.

I understand what you meant about breastfeeding. It is hard to nurse but I am slowly figuring out what is best for our son. It was just so disheartening when my doctor told me to stop breastfeeding. This is something that I really have my heart set on and it's what's best for my son. I was never able to breastfeed with our daughter so being able to do this for our son is such a joy.

It's nice when you have that encouragement behind you. I am hoping that with us supplementing now, he will start to gain weight more. He has gained a little bit since Monday which has put me a little at ease. Now he just needs to keep gaining.

One thing I think might be happening with him not gaining weight is that he has been sick the past week or so. He has a stuffy nose and has been sleeping so much lately. I know it is normal for a baby to sleep a lot but he is barely awake. I had a talk with my husband about breastfeeding and all. He has told me that I am not a failure too. Honestly, it took him saying that to me to believe it. I know I am not failing our son for not exclusively breastfeeding. I just want what is best for him and for him to gain weight and be healthy.

I am actually doing a whole lot better today. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at the beginning of June. So I will go to that and see what he thinks. Thank you for being concerned and I will keep you updated on how things are going.

Jrazz:

I think that all the stress I am going through right now might be affecting my milk supply. I am not sure I am producing enough to fill him up. So I am going to start pumping more. I am just waiting to heal up a little more before doing that. I can only imagine the emotional toll it was taking on you. I feel like in a way all these emotions are affecting my milk supply which is why he doesn't seem full even after 30-40 minutes of feeding.

I am honestly waiting for the day my doctor tells me to stop EBF him. I can see it coming. Especially if he doesn't gain enough weight. He isn't back to his birth weight yet and he is getting close to 3 weeeks old now. I am just so worried for him.

I am so worried that all the stress, emotions and anxiety are causing my milk suppy to hinder which is not enough to fill him up. I worry about everything. I don't know how to not worry.

Everyone is starting to feel better. Thank you for the kind words though. They help. I know that my emotions are running really high right now. I am working on myself to get better.

isadora:

Thank you so much.

I am going to keep the appointment with my psychiatrist. I don't have it until the beginning of June. I owe it to myself to get better.I know it doesn't make me a failure. It's just hard to accept that my milk isn't enough for him. I am going to feed him and then pump to try and get my milk supply to come in more.

TG:

You know, I am struggling right now with everything going on but I am slowly figuring out how to make it through. I have the help of my husband and as long as I have him, I can do it.

As for nursing, I am slowly figuring out what is best for me and my son. It is still a struggle sometimes but I know it will get better. Even though I can exclusively breastfeed him, it's okay. I know that now. I know that he is going to grow into a healthy little boy.

If I have to end up going on medication, I know it's not a forever thing and I know that eventually I can work to getting off of them. If I need the help of meds in order to be okay for now, then I will take it.

We are really excited about moving soon. I only wish it was sooner.

Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it.