, since you asked and since it may help Catwrangler
, or someone else I will post what I think are examples of bold]consistent
change. Normally, I would start a new topic bc I don't want to take away from CW's question but since this is all related here goes....
About 3 months in, we read Gary Chapman's 5lovelanguages. It's easy and its excellent. This gave my H a clearer idea as to how I NEEDED to be loved. It also did the same for me for him.
My love languages are Affirmation - "you look great", "thanks for dinner", "boys, your mother does so much to help you every day." and Acts of Service: Emptying the dishwasher, cleaning up the yard, making coffee. Since we have read this book my H has CONSISTENTLY spoken my love language thus filling up my "love tank". I have done the same for him but I have to say - he is taking the lead bc he knows he broke the insides of me. Still. If I want to R, I have to work on this too. I urge you to give this book a try. You can both take a very quick quiz on his web site by the same name. Try it tonight!
In terms of consistent remorseful behavoiur....when we talk, he listens patiently and answers questions, he says I am sorry (but yes, like you, I prefer that he just say it out of the blue every now and then). He goes to IC on a regular basis. He reads something I ask him to read. He bought and read, After the Affair by Janis Spring. I read it next. You see...he is taking the lead. Owning it.
In the past few days he has: hugged me many x/day, told me he loves me many x/day, asked me if I am bothered by something, done the laundry, prepped the coffee, contacted a landscaper for some issues we are having around here. He could not stop "wowing" me when I put on a new nightie (if that is what you want to call it), he left a card in my van. He holds my hand when we fall asleep at night. Sometimes he just grabs my hand walking down the street.
Maybe you are thinking, "what does prepping coffee and hand holding have to do with being consistent?" It says to me, I see you. I know what you want. I am here for you.
I can only say that these things work for me in repairing the damage. They help me feel seen and heard and loved.
And if you WANT something from her - let her know. I always wanted my H to just know what I needed. Well guess what? They don't.
Give the book a try. There are a few easy exercises at the back to help break the ice and get you started.
Hope this helps.
[This message edited by LA44 at 1:30 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]