SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

la433 posted 5/15/2013 02:58 AM

Had a conversation with STBXWW today.

I informed her of my intentions to remove her from my credit cards, something that should have happened a long time ago I know, but I've been attempting the whole "nice" thing. When she heard that, she got mad and said I got to go. I didn't call her back.

I have to say I a little upset over all of this. She cheats on me, then she files for divorce, and was attempting to drag this along forever to keep me as a back up plan. Worse yet, not even as a back up plan, but a "friend" and "confidant". I'm sorry but I've come to the conclusion that I can be friendly, but "friends"? confidant? I just don't know.

I don't hate her, but damn it, is she serious? I want what is best for her and the kids, but I refuse to be treated like a piggy bank and a Comme ci comme ça father (when I am not) and de facto babysitter for a couple of weeks out of the year.

The adultery is bad enough, but being used is even worse. If she wants to go, then go. Isn't it enough that she's broken my heart?

I did nothing to her to inflict this kind of pain she inflicting on me.

Am I wrong to be this angry? Why is she being so manipulative? Isn't enough that I have been more than gracious and generous with the divorce and settlement?

Bluebird26 posted 5/15/2013 04:28 AM

It really doesn't matter how nice you are to a WS they will always turn it into something about themselves.

I hope you have removed her already, as her "got to go" comment concerns me. I hope she didn't have to go run up some last minute purchases or bills on your credit cards before you got to them.

You are cutting her off, that will tend to make them angry. You need to go NC with her.

SBB posted 5/15/2013 08:08 AM

You are not wrong. Not at all.

This is what happens when people divorce.

She is upset that she can no longer cake eat.

She is being manipulative because it is what they do. We put up with it for so long they really thought we would forever.

A lot of it is about control too. They get mad when they lose their perceived control over us.

Stay strong la433 - you may be angry but don't break NC.

She should have sorted this out in the divorce and settlement. Why on earth would someone have their X still on their cards? It is nonsensical, much like her other choices.

la433 posted 5/15/2013 08:42 AM

Here's what happened.

At the beginning of the year, I was to start paying her Alimony+CS, but I needed a couple of months to build up enough cash in account as to not put me in the red.

So, I asked her for two payments in the month instead of one--for a few months. Part of this agreement is that I wouldn't take her off the CCs until then. So here we are in May. So I bring it up and this is what she does.

She says "I see how it's going to be" and "I thought we would be different from other divorced couples". I keep thinking today "I have been quite different. I have not been nasty one iota. I haven't even yelled at her because of all this. I have been different. I have not been mean rude or ugly to her at all. I even got her a Mother's Day gift from me and one from the kids. Not that I am trying to "win her back" but being nice, you know.

and I have only discussed how hurt i have been about the divorce only like twice i think.

So she calls today and tells me how much stress I've put her under because of the CC thing. Whatever, I have been more than gracious to her even in the face of betrayal.

To her credit, she hasn't used them much in the last 3 months. I just don't understand why she is all upset? Just because I'm taking her off the CCs doesn't mean I'm being mean, does it? I'm totally within my rights to do this, right?

I'm not going crazy. But boy I do think if I could get medication, I'd be taking it.

I hear what you guys are saying, I'm just not seeing it yet. NC is tough when she has my kids and she is the only way I get to see them (I work overseas currently on a military base).

Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by la433 at 8:43 AM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 5/15/2013 08:53 AM

Do not get into a discussion about this with her.

Do not defend yourself or poke holes through her arguments.

Have you talked to your L about it? Perhaps have your L write a letter to her L advising of this change.

She likes having the CCs as a Plan B in case she needs it. Same reason she liked having a husband. She lost that right when she stopped being a wife.

You are not being nasty or vindictive. If there are any other loose ends like this the I would sort them out ASAP - like yesterday.

Don't buy her bullshit. Let her talk herself out. If you have to respond just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Over and over full stop. Ask your L or your IC what you should do/say here but I suspect NC is the way to go.

NC doesn't mean you don't speak to them - it means you don't discuss this kind of stuff. Couples discuss this kind of stuff - divorced people do not. It won't get anywhere and it is likely to escalate.

You have one view, she has another. The difference to me is that not only are you right but her view doesn't actually matter one iota here. Legally or morally.

newlysingle posted 5/15/2013 09:01 AM

I think they still want to hang onto that one last bit of control they have over us. My STBX is the same way. He threw this divorce in my face right away and told me he wanted it over ASAP. He threatened me daily with filing, but never did. So I filed. Then every time I asked him for some type of paperwork or documents to move the divorce along, he would drag his feet. Now, he still hasn't finished moving his shit out of my house. He always has an excuse for leaving it behind. I told him that if he didn't have it out this weekend, that I was going to sell it on Craigslist.

He claims to be so happy with OW and can't wait to get rid of me, but he drags his feet on every opportunity that I give him to get rid of me. I just really think it's that last bit of control over me that he doesn't want to give up.