My vent is that I sometimes read posts and responses that generalize WS'. I know it's my choice to ignore postings but that's hard. And once you read it it can't be unread. Much the same way an affair and TT can't be undone.
I think there are many people in this particular forum who are very remorseful and want to change who they are. It's hard work but they recognize, truly recognize, the damage they have caused. I'm not suggesting that there should be an award or a pat on the back. We've betrayed our spouse and that stain will always be there. But the generalizations really hurt sometimes. Some may say that they hurt because they are true. But if you're really under going self-examination and want to fix what's wrong with you then I would disagree. I guess this is just another tentacle of the impact of our betrayal.
Here's how I see that conversation going. Not.
Please don't call me a home wrecking whore, Mrs. xAP. That's an unfair generalization. I didn't mean any harm. I was feeling hurt and unwanted, so I decided to fuck your husband. In your house. Where you live, with your children. But I'm real sorry, and I'm truly undergoing self-examination. Wanna have lunch? How about that place you frequent with your family, near your house, where your husband took me? In your Escalade. Nice ride, by the way.
Just remember that others don't define you; YOU define you by your actions.
Married 2.5 years
Heartbroken - you're right and I debated even bringing this up so my compromise was the stop sign. I don't want anyone to think that I have anything but the greatest sympathy for what BS' go through. And yes, I agree that I define myself. But as I said to Tired Girl, I'm trying to break a cycle of always concerning myself with how others perceive me. I've been trying to put that way of thinking into action and sometimes, as in right now, it's a struggle.
Up to this point, that has not happened, so you have needed others to validate what you are doing.
I am not saying this happens overnight, it doesn't. But it does happen. Fix you, the rest will follow.
My interpretation of your post was that you felt unfairly maligned by BS posts. Instead of feeling solidarity with you, it smacked me with the reality that I totally deserve those negative generalizations.
My ire is directed at myself--not you.
Good luck to you.
I trust them and know they are right. But like 20wrongs I don't feel I'm truly withdrawn yet and so feeling that utter self-disgust is not there yet. I want to get there, to that point but also recognise it's a process that happens at different rates for different people.
There are moments when I will read something and it will hit me hard, like Aubries post on when you love two people. It woke me up and put things in perspective.
I believe people should post truly about where they are in their process. Someone, somewhere will identify with it and some may be irked by it and reply back with something that hits a raw nerve. To me that's a good thing. Essentially it's about being honest about where you're at in your journey.
Update: went to IC last night and had a really good session. My BS is out of town but I really wanted to share. But as it turns out she is considering detaching a bit from me in order to foster her own healing. I respect that greatly and really don't want to burden her with my issues - good or bad. For me that's very unfortunate because I've been learning over these past 4+ months how to express my real feelings. Not what I think but how I feel. This is a difficult internal struggle for me as it has been raging for 47 years. I've always been concerned with how people perceive me and probably acted accordingly. (You were right on TG). But I'm working on that. I'm much more aware of myself and my actions and I'm determined to live the rest of my life the way I want to and not the way someone else thinks I should. The IC and I have discussed why I've been this way and there is physical abuse, sexual abuse and alcoholism in my past. That's not an excuse for what I've done. It's just the situation I've come from. Looking back on my history I realize that perhaps I didn't like myself or at least how I was acting - and not being on the outside who I really was in the inside. My BS calls it a facade. She may be right. Today I can honestly say that I'm beginning to like myself. I had to have lunch by myself yesterday and this feeling came over me. I discussed it last night and it was this. I've always been afraid of being alone because I would be lonely. But yesterday as I was enjoying a beautiful day I realized in fact that a person can be alone (in this case just having a slice of pizza) but yet not feel lonely. If you like yourself you're never alone. Now this is one afternoon but I see a glimmer of hope.
I really love my wife. I want to share me, the real me, the one that has broken down this wall, with her forever. I hope one day she can move through her pain and join me on this journey.
If you've read this far friends I appreciate it.
[This message edited by needhelp123 at 2:03 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
As far as the generalizations, yeah, I get that they can hurt, especially when you just starting the process. You tend to take them personally but as another poster said, those who make those statements are probably fairly new to their process and are still hurting and thinking of *their* WS in particular. Those farther out understand and can see those who are truly remorsefull, working to fix themselves and the damage they did. If *you* see progress and your BS sees progress then that's what matters.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.