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I Like this site but - bit of a vent

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needhelp123 posted 5/15/2013 11:06 AM

I really like this site. Sometimes I create original posts and sometimes I try to add value where I can - not sure if I actually do. Mostly I read and try to learn. I am working on my relationship with my BS with the knowledge that this could be a deal breaker. I accept responsibility. I'm really working on myself - what makes me who I am. My kids know about my affair so my goal for them is to once again, at some point in the future, respect the person I am or will become.

My vent is that I sometimes read posts and responses that generalize WS'. I know it's my choice to ignore postings but that's hard. And once you read it it can't be unread. Much the same way an affair and TT can't be undone.

I think there are many people in this particular forum who are very remorseful and want to change who they are. It's hard work but they recognize, truly recognize, the damage they have caused. I'm not suggesting that there should be an award or a pat on the back. We've betrayed our spouse and that stain will always be there. But the generalizations really hurt sometimes. Some may say that they hurt because they are true. But if you're really under going self-examination and want to fix what's wrong with you then I would disagree. I guess this is just another tentacle of the impact of our betrayal.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/15/2013 11:32 AM

I have been dreading the xAP's wife contacting me. Because I am the lying, cheating, slut other woman.

Here's how I see that conversation going. Not.

Please don't call me a home wrecking whore, Mrs. xAP. That's an unfair generalization. I didn't mean any harm. I was feeling hurt and unwanted, so I decided to fuck your husband. In your house. Where you live, with your children. But I'm real sorry, and I'm truly undergoing self-examination. Wanna have lunch? How about that place you frequent with your family, near your house, where your husband took me? In your Escalade. Nice ride, by the way.

Darkness Falls posted 5/15/2013 11:37 AM

I agree with you. But I try to remember, when I come across generalizations, that those who make them are hurting and are honestly trying to make sense out of nonsense.

Just remember that others don't define you; YOU define you by your actions.

tired girl posted 5/15/2013 11:40 AM

Is there a reason that you need to be seen a certain way? By people you don't know?

needhelp123 posted 5/15/2013 11:59 AM

Tired Girl - that's a great question and one that I will be discussing in IC tonight. I've actually had this problem all my life and have suffered because of it. Not an easy habit to break because it's a different way of thinking about your life.

Heartbroken - you're right and I debated even bringing this up so my compromise was the stop sign. I don't want anyone to think that I have anything but the greatest sympathy for what BS' go through. And yes, I agree that I define myself. But as I said to Tired Girl, I'm trying to break a cycle of always concerning myself with how others perceive me. I've been trying to put that way of thinking into action and sometimes, as in right now, it's a struggle.

tired girl posted 5/15/2013 12:08 PM

I can tell you that when you are living your life with integrity and authentically, you will learn to like who YOU are. At that point, how others see you will become less of an issue, because how YOU see you is very clear. And you will be good with it. You won't need other's approval.

Up to this point, that has not happened, so you have needed others to validate what you are doing.

I am not saying this happens overnight, it doesn't. But it does happen. Fix you, the rest will follow.

needhelp123 posted 5/15/2013 12:16 PM

Tired Girl - I actually said to my WS that I do like who I am becoming. Progress is slower than I would like but I agree that liking oneself is a very important part of the journey - perhaps the most. It's one thing to say I'm going to act that way but quite another to do so. Trying to recognize and then break old habits. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/15/2013 12:22 PM

needhelp123, my reply seemed flippant, but as a follow-up: your post affected me profoundly. Because I'm not truly remorseful yet. The fog has not cleared, and I'm still justifying. (My BH is reading this.)

My interpretation of your post was that you felt unfairly maligned by BS posts. Instead of feeling solidarity with you, it smacked me with the reality that I totally deserve those negative generalizations.

My ire is directed at myself--not you.

needhelp123 posted 5/15/2013 13:33 PM

You know what 20Wrongs, everyone's journey is different. We all see ourselves in some post or another. I can relate to some and I don't like what I see sometimes. And that hurts. But seeing yourself is probably one of the first steps you can actually take for yourself. What you do with that knowledge is up you.

Good luck to you.

MissesJai posted 5/15/2013 13:44 PM

TG is spot on. I remember when the generalizations used to bother me. Now that I've done my work, I know better. You will too.

Trying33 posted 5/15/2013 22:45 PM

I read the generalisations and wonder wtf is wrong with me for not being able to identify with them.

I trust them and know they are right. But like 20wrongs I don't feel I'm truly withdrawn yet and so feeling that utter self-disgust is not there yet. I want to get there, to that point but also recognise it's a process that happens at different rates for different people.

There are moments when I will read something and it will hit me hard, like Aubries post on when you love two people. It woke me up and put things in perspective.

I believe people should post truly about where they are in their process. Someone, somewhere will identify with it and some may be irked by it and reply back with something that hits a raw nerve. To me that's a good thing. Essentially it's about being honest about where you're at in your journey.

needhelp123 posted 5/16/2013 08:45 AM

As I said, I do like this site. it's because there is a lot of understanding from people on both sides.

Update: went to IC last night and had a really good session. My BS is out of town but I really wanted to share. But as it turns out she is considering detaching a bit from me in order to foster her own healing. I respect that greatly and really don't want to burden her with my issues - good or bad. For me that's very unfortunate because I've been learning over these past 4+ months how to express my real feelings. Not what I think but how I feel. This is a difficult internal struggle for me as it has been raging for 47 years. I've always been concerned with how people perceive me and probably acted accordingly. (You were right on TG). But I'm working on that. I'm much more aware of myself and my actions and I'm determined to live the rest of my life the way I want to and not the way someone else thinks I should. The IC and I have discussed why I've been this way and there is physical abuse, sexual abuse and alcoholism in my past. That's not an excuse for what I've done. It's just the situation I've come from. Looking back on my history I realize that perhaps I didn't like myself or at least how I was acting - and not being on the outside who I really was in the inside. My BS calls it a facade. She may be right. Today I can honestly say that I'm beginning to like myself. I had to have lunch by myself yesterday and this feeling came over me. I discussed it last night and it was this. I've always been afraid of being alone because I would be lonely. But yesterday as I was enjoying a beautiful day I realized in fact that a person can be alone (in this case just having a slice of pizza) but yet not feel lonely. If you like yourself you're never alone. Now this is one afternoon but I see a glimmer of hope.

I really love my wife. I want to share me, the real me, the one that has broken down this wall, with her forever. I hope one day she can move through her pain and join me on this journey.

If you've read this far friends I appreciate it.

[This message edited by needhelp123 at 2:03 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

Clarrissa posted 5/16/2013 20:22 PM

I can so identify with where you're coming from, needhelp. I was there myself. Letting other people define who I am. I was perceived as the "good girl" growing up and that perception became the reality. And I HATED it. So, I did the one thing "good girls" never do. I cheated on my H. I still let other people tell me who I am to some extent but not like before.

As far as the generalizations, yeah, I get that they can hurt, especially when you just starting the process. You tend to take them personally but as another poster said, those who make those statements are probably fairly new to their process and are still hurting and thinking of *their* WS in particular. Those farther out understand and can see those who are truly remorsefull, working to fix themselves and the damage they did. If *you* see progress and your BS sees progress then that's what matters.

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