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User Topic: Help with the 180 needed -
♀ 38879
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need help putting the 180 into practice. We are about 2.5 months out. Things are going well, but feel like I am doing 90% of the work. He is not owning his shit, he is not driving the bus, he is remorseful, feels guilty, and is NC (as much as we can Ė daughters on same soccer team, we see the OW at LEAST 1x a week Ė SUCKS!!!) I want him to be proactive, not react to my actions. I am on SI a couple times a day, I print out topics that I think can help us, he reads them, comments on them, but doesnít seem interested in doing anything on his own. I bought, and read ďNot Just FriendsĒ the first week, it is still on his nightstand, waiting to be read (I think he is on chapter 2), he does not initiate any conversations about the A.

HB has been great, but now I feel like he is being rewarded for bad choices. I donít want to stop HB (I like it too!) But I need him to be more aware of what has happened, I need him to own it. We did not separate after DDay, I almost wish we had, but he had nowhere to go (except OW Ė I didnít want that to happen)

Is it too late to 180? How do I put it into practice? I think I may be trying too hard. I send him texts during the day, just so he knows I am thinking of him (he responds, but rarely initiates). I call when I get off work to let him know Iím on my way home. I have left cards and notes in his briefcase or suitcase for him to find when he is out. I listen when he talks. I move next to him on the sofa, sit next to him in a restaurant (vs. across from him), hold his hand in the car, roll over at night so I am next to him. I donít feel he is doing these things Ė is it because I am? Am I trying to hard?

We were not in a good place the last couple of years, I own half of that, but I didnít look elsewhere, he did. And it hurts. I need to feel special, wanted, and important. I donít. I have been trying to make sure he feels those things, but I donít feel that he is showing me the same. His words and his actions donít match. He has answered all questions asked, but offered no additional information, he is transparent (as far as I can tell), but doesnít initiate. I seem to be driving the bus, I want to be a passenger.
Ideas? Suggestions? Hints on how to kick start him? I love him, very much. We have over 30 years of history and 3 wonderful children. I am not willing to give up, but I need to know he is committed to US. I need to know he is sorry for the pain he caused, and will do his best to help US move on, together.
I need to know that I am worth the work.
Thanks for any and all suggestions Ė

BW - mid 50's WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?

Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.

Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: SF Bay Area/NorCal
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to stop doing all of these things for him. You are doing it all, so why should he? I understand the need to try and be everything to him, but that will not work. BTDT.

You need to take the attention off of him and onto yourself. It takes two to R and one spouse can't do it all, while the other does nothing but what he is told to do to appease you.

My WH#2 was the same way as your WH. He did only what I asked and nothing more when we were in false R. I tried to be JuneCleaver/Porn Star after DDay#1 (before SI).He took A underground. Only after I started to concentrating on my own needs did he finally get his head out of his ass. He has made mistakes since then, but we are working on them together now. He still has a long way to go.

It is never too late to 180. The 180 is for you, not a punishment for him. I know it seems that way, but it does make you concentrate on your own needs and lets him concentrate on his. Maybe go slowly into it if that helps and do a few new ones everyday. (((HUGS)))

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9206 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
♀ 39217
Member # 39217
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow...I feel like I could have typed 70% of that. I wish I had advise but I'm in a similar place, just wanted you to know you are not alone. I can't figure out how to 180 either :( it's not who I am...I have always been the loving cuddly type *sigh*

WH 29
1 Child
Married 11 yrs
D-Day: 4/9/13 he cheated in '08 & now + trickle truth & tons of lies 6/27 Found more, swears I really do have the whole truth now.
2/2/14 found out seems the TT never ends.
Trying to R

Posts: 71 | Registered: May 2013
♀ 18158
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a little different take on your post. It sounded to me like you're doing everything you want him to do. you want your hand held so you hold his hand, you want him to sit next to you in a restaurant so you sit next to him. Have you read 5 Love Languages?

My H and I read it and we were polar opposites in what we need to feel loved, he needs physical contact, I need quality time. He was always touching me, grabbing my butt, trying to cuddle, but I'm not like that, physical contact is my lowest love language so I was constantly annoyed with him and he constantly felt rejected. If your H is like me and you are like my H your H doesn't even get it, he doesn't know what you need even if you tell him, it's not his first instinct to do what you need. It's not that I don't love my H, i just didn't understand.

Once we read that, I make a conscious effort to be more physical AND a huge difference is I know what he is doing when he's trying to be near me, he's not trying to make me sweaty or annoy me he's telling me he loves me and I get it now. He had to work on quality time, he didn't realize i needed that and he didn't know that some of his actions made me feel unloved b/c he chose to do something w/o me.

So imo, 180 is not the answer, but talking more about what you need and what he needs and him really listening and trying to help you heal.

on a final note, my H never "healed" the way I wanted him to. He never found IC helpful, he never read all the books I read but he did everything I ever asked of him (once true R started )without a single complaint. At some point I had to let his healing go, I worked on myself and as long as I felt he was honest and committed to us I let him do his healing his way. It's almost 6 years since d-day and the A is a non issue for me, we did the work, I feel good about where we are, I have healed.

Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
♀ 38879
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mepe - you may be right. I have read 5 Love languages - (we both took the "test" and we shared the results, but he did not read it) his is physical contact, so I try to show him. Mine was a mix of physical contact and quality time. I don't feel he is trying to show me.

I plan on trying to implement the 180 over the next week or so. I'll try talking to him first, I need to heal, with or without his help. I need to work on me. I need to decide if I can do this. I told him I am committed for a minimum of 6 months to working on us. He has until Sept 2 to make me feel wanted, special and important. I am an amazing person - he needs to see that, and acknowledge it.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 1:33 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

BW - mid 50's WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?

Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.

Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: SF Bay Area/NorCal
♀ 39082
Member # 39082
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with all here that you are giving too much to someone who isn't giving you much of anything. 180 is hard, but it is probably the only way for you (not him) to heal and begin to feel better. He is still in a fog. He needs a wake up call. I am reinstating the 180 and NC with my wh. I don't want to and it hurts like crazy, but it needs to be done. Hugs and hang in there. You are worth so much more than what you are getting!

Me(34) - BS
Him(35) - WH
Married: 9 years
Two Kids: 4 and 6
D-Day #1: 7/12, D-Day #2: 4/24/13
Affair: EA to PA with coworker
Status of A: Says he broke it off after I went to her house and confronted both of them

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Maine
Topic Posts: 6

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