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Newest Member: timeheals (61501)

User Topic: long term relationship, not headed for marriage?
♀ 9772
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An experience in OLD a couple months ago made me realize that I've been living under this preconceived notion that relationships should go something like this : date, become bf/gf, move in/ get married.

And I realized I don't know that I even want to live with someone again let alone be married to them.

Can you be in a LTR where you are comitted to the other person, but maintain autonomy? I still have my kids at home for the next 5 years and I really have no desire to even try living with someone else while I'm still raising them.

Any one ever do something like this longer term? Am I just trying to have my cake and eat it too?

"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 912 | Registered: Feb 2006
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What you're describing is the only kind of relationship I can envision myself having.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 7276
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. I like my independence. I like living alone and doing what I want.

And I'm currently in a R that will, in all likelihood, end at some point because of it.

He wants to make plans to move forward and absolutely wants to get M.

I don't. I like things the way they are and he knows that. But he seems to think I will change my mind at some point.

Who knows, maybe I will....maybe I won't....but at some point, I'm going to be forced to either yield or end it.

Posts: 14418 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been wondering about this too. The wounds to my M are still too fresh to go down that road again.

Unfortunately, I am not happy in my current relationship that seems to be ending anyway. I don't see the relationship turning into more than just being bf/gf. I've started wondering lately if my thoughts are based on not finding the "right" guy, but just settling for someone who seems to like me.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been D for 8 years now. I am currently in a LTR with SO exactly as you describe. We have been going strong for 3 years now.

We are talking about moving in together, more for financial considerations than anything else. I have not had a raise of any kind since 2008 and there won't be one in the near future. The cost of living has increased in that time even though my salary hasn't. I tried working a second job and got really sick. It ended up costing me more in out-of-pocket medical expenses and taxes than I made in extra salary.

He is retired and just turned 65 - I have this urge to make the most of our time together while we are both healthy and active.

I just hope living together doesn't ruin our relationship. I'm very concerned about that.

After that long story, the answer is "yes, it is possible."


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 8262 | Registered: Aug 2005
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I just trying to have my cake and eat it too?

As long as you are honest with yourself, and potential mates, I wouldn’t think so. Part of that honesty is stepping away if you recognize they want more or think it is headed in directions you don’t want it to go. It's just like any relationship, in order for it to work, you have to be more or less on the same page.

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3640 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GDM and I have this sort of relationship and it is wonderful as it is what we both want.

Almost three years now.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 31266 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely. I think that's the type of relationship that I would like. A family friend of ours divorced when her kids were really little. She then met a man and has now been with him for over 30 years. They aren't married and live in their own homes. They are now both retired and travel a lot together, but can also go back to their own homes when they want to. I think it's an ideal situation.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1268 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
♀ 8637
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SO and I are not married and do not live together - but we have been together 5 years. We both have teenagers at home so for now we have separate home lives and don't mix financials, etc.

It is doable as long as you communicate.

Never let your fear decide your fate.....AWOLNATION

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.

Posts: 13585 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
♀ 10552
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the kind of relationship I'd like to have... I have no intention of remarrying or living with someone while I have bananas at home (eight more years).

I'm sure it's doable as long as both people are on the same page.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 16059 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
♀ 5929
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've always been indifferent to the idea of getting married again.

I recently moved in with my SO. We have never seriously discussed marriage. I don't think he intends to marry me. I like living together, though. So if this is as far as it goes, it's pretty nice.

12/18/15 found out my now EX boyfriend was trolling CL for underage girls. From the cops. The fun never stops.

Posts: 49560 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been with my SO and we have zero plans of moving in together let alone getting married. We are long term daters. I am happy with this arrangement. It allows me a lot of mental independence where I can focus on my work and my life but still have a great friend and lover to share Saturday night or sometimes a week night, vacations, holidays, etc.

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong. But I am having too much fun with him to sustain that worry for long. It is what it is, we are where we are, and it's pretty damn good. It's been 3 years now.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 10:57 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

BS, 56 years
D-day 6-2-08
D after 20 years
The journey from Armageddon to Amazing Life happens one step at a time. Don't ever give up!

Posts: 6650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
♀ 14940
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess this is what I'm in. I've been seeing someone for 16 months. We are not heading toward marriage.

I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around the concept of a relationship that 'goes nowhere.' The idea is foreign to anything I've ever expected.

Yet every time I feel agitated about it, I realize I don't want anyone moving in with me, I don't want anyone in my bed at night, I don't want to be married, my kids don't want a man in their lives.

So I guess I'm there with many of you, and yet I'm having a hard time adjusting to it, as just dating forever has never been within my world paradigm. It's a frustrating place to be.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4486 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 12014
Member # 12014
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it's possible!

I met my SO by chance 6 weeks after my ex-husband left me with 4 children. My SO and I met Sept 6, 2004. He never had children and we have never lived togethet nor has he spent the night with them here. We have an amazing and happy relationship for almost 9 yrs. He is not only my love, but he is my best friend. He always makes himself available for my children and always offers great advice.

Now that my children are almost to the point where they are old enough to be left home alone, his elderly mother needed someone to live full time with her and he's noe become her caregiver. I will be there for him and support him just as he has me!

Posts: 959 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 14

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