I went to my WW on her lunch break today and I read this letter to her today. She was immediately angry, as expected. She was totally hung up on the lawyer aspect, even though I assured her that I had not yet gone to one, nor did I have any intention of giving up on our marriage.
My Dearest [WW],
I have some things to say to you. I don't expect it to have any effect on you because I understand that *you* control yourself. Please don't take anything that I'm saying as a threat because it is not meant that way. I'm merely letting you know what is going on with me and what you can expect from me.
It has been over a month since I discovered your affair. I've been an absolute basket case since my discovery. I've listened to what you've told me about your feelings and what you think about mine. I've heard that you love me, but you are “in love” with him. I've listened to you tell me about your right to privacy and your right to have fun, and I've felt your wrath when I've violated your privacy. I've heard your admission that you have been friends with [OM] for 3 years, that you began a sexual relationship with him in June 2012 and that the sexual relationship with [OM] was ongoing until my discovery. I've also heard your admission about past infidelity with [AOM], who was, at one time, your supervisor.
On discovery of the affair, I told you that it needed to stop immediately and that there may be no more contact between you and [OM]. You refused those terms and told me that I'm not allowed to come into your store anymore. Unfortunately, I accepted those terms and that was a huge and unhealthy mistake on my part. I gave you and [OM] control over me, and I enabled your affair to continue. You recently told me that you are no longer having a sexual relationship with [OM], but that you will continue to be friends with him. Again, unfortunately, I made another unhealthy mistake and accepted that. You have only ended the Physical Affair. You have not ended the Emotional Affair.
On Sunday evening, Mothers' Day, our 12th Anniversary, we had a heated discussion wherein you gave me some details you thought I should know about your affair. I almost walked out on you, but you called me back. The reason I wanted to leave is not because of what you have done. It is because of what you continue to do. I have told you several times that I can forgive you for what you have done, but I cannot forgive you for anything until you accept responsibility for your actions, and agree to stop contacting [OM]. Until that happens, we are not in a marriage.
Also on Sunday evening, after you went to sleep, I thought about some of the things that you talked about, and I especially thought about some of the things that I talked about. I went onto the Internet and searched on exact quotes and phrases that were said. It led me to an online support group for people suffering through the pain of infidelity.
This group is not only for people who have been betrayed, but it is for everyone involved in the affair. It is not overtly religious which is comforting. This group will provide support for betrayed spouses (me), wayward spouses (you), even the other man ([OM]). Unfortunately, they will not provide support for you or [OM] until you have really ended the affair and agree to “no contact”. This is for my safety. Additionally, until you make the decision to stop the affair, the only support that will be given to me is to get me a “soft landing”. This means, they will help me to return to independence and teach me how to live in the event that our marriage cannot be reconciled. I want to let you know now, I intend to fight to keep this marriage and our love alive. I am deeply hurt emotionally, but I will not give up without fighting with every ounce of strength that I have.
You are currently in what is called a “fog”. I was in a “fog” the day you came home with a hickey on your neck and told me that it wasn't, and that you were doing body shots with your friends. Fortunately for me, my fog was easily lifted when I went through your phone and discovered the truth. You have a much more difficult road ahead of you to get out of your fog.
Until you make the decision to end the Affair, I will be focusing on myself. I will get the help that I need to cope with life and become less dependent on your emotional support. I will be going to meetings with people—counselors and people that are going through similar issues to my own. I have regained control of myself and I'm going to make myself stronger. I will do this for myself, not for you. Your feelings are not my concern until you emerge from your fog and recommit to our marriage. This doesn't mean we won't talk. We definitely need to talk, but I won't waste my breath telling you things that you won't listen to. Don't be afraid to ask me any questions you have. I'm happy to answer answer any questions you have.
I will also use this time to reconnect with our son, [C] who has been hurt by this affair, and our behavior. I love [C] with all of my heart. I always have. I have told you that I love you more, but that is not true. I said that because, as your husband, I want you to feel special. In my mind, how can you tell someone that you love them forever and ever and you also love someone else the same? Isn't that cheating? Love is exclusive. “No man can serve two masters”. I was wrong. Romantic, passionate love, like the love I feel for you is exclusive. This is the love for which you “forsake all others”. It is the love of a man and his wife. But the love that I have for my son is not related. It is the protective, caring, and nurturing love (which I also have for you). This love is inclusive. It is the love of a family--A unit. They are equally strong, but different. They exist at the same time and they strengthen each other.
I will be contacting some lawyers. Again, I'd like to remind you that this is not a threat. I do not intend to give up on my marriage without a fight. This is merely to find out what types of options there are for myself and [C]. I must give this decision more thought than any other decision that I have ever had to make and this will take time. Remember that we dated for 5 years before I proposed.
I'm aware of the potential outcome of a Divorce. I'll even describe for you how I believe a Divorce would pan out: The house, my childhood home, will be sold and all of the equity will be used to pay Lawyer's fees. We will be given joint custody of [C]. I will most likely not be able to survive financially on my own and you will also have great difficulty. You will likely be able to move back in with your parents. They do love you, and they love [C], as well. I will most likely have to move to Arizona and live with my father. At that point, you and your parents will take over caring for [C]. I will then provide child support payments and attempt to keep in touch as best I can.
These are not desirable circumstances for me, but now that I know what is going on, I see that there is NOTHING desirable about my current circumstances. I did not marry you so that I could share you.
I am now requesting, again, that you stop this extramarital affair and agree to NO CONTACT with [OM]. If/when you agree to no contact with [OM], I will ask you to handwrite a no contact letter to him and send it via certified mail to his address. I will read the letter before you seal it and I will go with you to mail it. I have instructions available for you to help you write the letter, which is quite simple, when you become ready.
Finally, I'd like to reiterate, that this is no way a threat. I'm not attempting to coerce you in any way. You are in complete control of yourself right now. I'm aware that you are probably very angry at me right now. You probably haven't heard much of what I've said. You likely don't care. Again, this is the “fog”.
I accept you for who you are, who you have been, and who you can be. I offer you my forgiveness and love. I offer you my heart, mind, and soul—just as I did the day we were married. Please come back to me.
Your Partner in Life and Love,
End of letter
I wrote the letter about 1/2 hour before I gave it to her. I hope that I haven't misrepresented anything about the site, but I certainly didn't misrepresent my feelings or my intentions. Thoughts, guidance, and help from the group would be VERY helpful right now.