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I'm don't want to live my life as a spy.

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27yearsnowlost posted 5/15/2013 13:16 PM

My WH gave me all his passwords for everything. He put a GPS tracker it his car. He changed his phone number and is in the process of chancing his email. He also is paying for a tracker on his name and username on a website that he also is paying for.

But I don't want to send my life tracking him. I didn't do anything and now he was me to track him to prove that he won't do it again. But who's to say that he has hidden email and user name that I don't know. I think he is only trying to make herself feel better
. I was blindsided with this whole thing. But I don't want to live like this. I truly trusted him and he cheaed and was very good at hiding it so what else is out there that don't know.
This is no way to liive my life. I don't want spend my time worrying day in and day out.

I'm only 10 weeks from d day but I'm so tried. He is in IC but I ask for him to keep a journal of his days feeling but started then stop. I also asked him weeks ago to get our car steamed clean because she was hire help and I have no idea what this hooker has. But he still didn't done it. He said he cleaned it himself.

Not sure what to do anymore.

confused615 posted 5/15/2013 13:19 PM

I used to check WH's phone,email,etc,often after dday.

Then we had dday#2. He stole a cell phone out of the bathroom at work to view porn( a huge NO in our new marriage). my WH has never,to my knowledge,stolen anything. but he saw it and took it so he could do something he knew I would not be ok with.

After that,I realized no matter what I did,no matter how many ways I had of checking up on him,if he wanted to cheat..or break a boundary..he would. There was no amount of surveillance that was going to stop him.

brokensunflower posted 5/15/2013 13:35 PM

yeah I know how you feel I check my husbands stuff daily I don't give a crap how he feels about it he the one that cheated not me I didn't do anything wrong .. hell I wanted to be a fbi agant when I was a kid I guess I finally got the job huh ,,lol .. ughs

1devastedmom posted 5/15/2013 15:45 PM

I completely understand. I've been obsessive about checking on my WH and he has encouraged it because he's so desperate for me to not think he's going to do it again. The only problem is that I can check til the cows come home but if he wants to do something he's going to do it regardless of me checking. It would be so easy to buy another cell phone or open another email account that I don't know about. He is in construction so it would be so easy to sneak off and see a hooker and I'd never know. Just thinking about it makes me a complete basket case

Nik79 posted 5/15/2013 16:22 PM

I have not yet (although tonight may be) fully pulled admission from my WW. However I've been seeing her text messages whenever I can. It has been easy to see her input her passcode and find where she is hiding the sexier underwear and lingerie that she is collecting and hoarding. There isn't much else I can get into to find information but I know all I need from her texts. But I have been fearing though what you are going through. What if she does "reform" like your WH and I feel like I have to check everything every moment. The problem is it is like theft deterrants. There is NO full proof security. Everything you do to protect something is just another deterrant added on. We always say in my work, if someone really wants it, they'll find a way. I told my WW when I found a possible facebook PM thread of at least an emotional affair, that I can forgive her instantly but I would need her help to forget. Even if I had then access to everything and checked it constantly, it still comes down to her showing me in her actions and words on a constant basis that she is committed. Even then, how can you or I trust that after what we know? There is where maybe an MC helps out. Especially on how you and I will move on emotionaly. Good luck and perhaps soon I'll be able to ask you how you are doing it.

Tripletrouble posted 5/15/2013 16:29 PM

My WH has given me full access too, but big whoop. It's so easy to hide. I'm totally uninterested in spying. I will either trust him, or divorce him, and only time will tell.

3kids30years posted 5/15/2013 17:55 PM

Truth - I'm right here with you Triple.

My WH has given me full access too, but big whoop. It's so easy to hide. I'm totally uninterested in spying. I will either trust him, or divorce him, and only time will tell.

Only time will tell.

mainlyinpain posted 5/15/2013 18:13 PM

(((27years))) Sorry that this has entered into your life.
If you can get to a place in your marriage where it is trust but verify then maybe you can make it. It's about being able to have some peace. If they know about your tracking devices then you know they will never use that method to lie/betray so it's not really much use. It's also about how you feel in the marriage...do you get that sixth sense that something is wrong? Then you have to do the verify to get some peace for yourself. It's the only way I got at least the peace of knowing that my suspicions were right and I wasn't crazy (like he told me). If you feel that the marriage is not worth that for you then you have a decision...that you made for yourself. Also, maybe you are not sure that you have all the truth already from the past? Maybe have him take a lie detector so you at least can know that you are starting with all the truth and there isn't something else that is going to blindside you. It does suck big time. I am on the third DDay (or maybe continuation of second or even first?)...I'd say give it a little bit more time and see how you feel then. Also, maybe get your own counseling and MC? You can't do this on your own.

mainlyinpain posted 5/15/2013 18:13 PM

(((27years))) Sorry that this has entered into your life.
If you can get to a place in your marriage where it is trust but verify then maybe you can make it. It's about being able to have some peace. If they know about your tracking devices then you know they will never use that method to lie/betray so it's not really much use. It's also about how you feel in the marriage...do you get that sixth sense that something is wrong? Then you have to do the verify to get some peace for yourself. It's the only way I got at least the peace of knowing that my suspicions were right and I wasn't crazy (like he told me). If you feel that the marriage is not worth that for you then you have a decision...that you made for yourself. Also, maybe you are not sure that you have all the truth already from the past? Maybe have him take a lie detector so you at least can know that you are starting with all the truth and there isn't something else that is going to blindside you. It does suck big time. I am on the third DDay (or maybe continuation of second or even first?)...I'd say give it a little bit more time and see how you feel then. Also, maybe get your own counseling and MC? You can't do this on your own.

Sharpie4 posted 5/15/2013 18:20 PM

I know how you feel. It's awful and I hate it. When I made using the ATM to draw out cash at first he
refused, then he agreed, but secretly changed his reimbursement checks (which are random and I can't really track) to go to his work. He could cash them or deposit them into another bank account and I would never know. He,of course, said it was for his convenience. I am not sure how him having to deal with it when it used to omce to the house and I deposited it more convenient for him.

[This message edited by Sharpie4 at 6:26 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 5/15/2013 18:35 PM

Post Dday I made it very clear that if I were to give my WH a 2nd chance there would be no 3rd.

I absolutely refuse to be his warden.

I do however, pay closer attention and have become a bit more alert. SI has enlightened me, I know what to look for. I feel better equipped to recognize red flags and potential problems.

What I watch are his actions. I want to ensure that they are in sync with his promise to become a better H, father, human being. The fact that he is succeeding certainly lessens the need to check up on him.

Over the course of 2.5yrs I have reiterated the "never a 3rd chance rule" ~
He gets it, he believes it, he knows me: "A woman of her word".

27yearsnowlost posted 5/15/2013 19:30 PM

I just hate this feeling! My kids are grown up and no i feel like I'm have to watch him like a baby. But I don't want to. He offered to take a lie detector test but who know if he will go threw with it. I tired of spending money for his bad choices. IC, GPS, web services. Etc. I don't want to spend my time proving that he didn't do anything. He should proving it to me!

DaVille posted 5/15/2013 21:00 PM

I'm new into this and I'm so so tired of always looking and trying to find something.

DaVille posted 5/15/2013 21:00 PM

I'm new into this and I'm so so tired of always looking and trying to find something.

Snowy posted 5/15/2013 21:11 PM

I can totally relate to how you feel. I reached the point were I stopped checking, if she wonder off then she is out of here.

Is spying on your spouse the way a marriage should be?

sparklingwater posted 5/16/2013 05:29 AM

The thought of spending the next x number of years never fully trusting him, and checking up on him, is one of the reasons I couldn't stay in the relationship.

WeepingBuddhist posted 5/16/2013 09:48 AM

27 and Triple, I am with you on this. I am still trying to decide if I can do this but I can't do it while "feeding the beast" as I call it--trying to confirm my worst fears. I was totally surprised to learn about the A (after the fact) and I am still dealing with that initial betrayal. He will either make our M his priority or not.

papoula posted 5/16/2013 10:28 AM

I totally can relate to you. Every time I'm checking his phone or anything else I get a physically sick. My heart beats fast, I start shaking and it is horrible. This isn't how I want to live and I think this isn't a life worth living. I want to trust and I want to be a priority in my partners life. I think this can drive me crazy or drive me crazy literally. I know for sure that I do not want this life for me.

mj052 posted 5/16/2013 12:22 PM

I'm there as well- I feel like a detective and I know my wayward views me as a "snoop" for checking up on him! It's just so emotionally draining!!!!!

I'm almost at the point- where I just don't care anymore!!! And I do know if he really wants to have any inappropriate contact- there are so many ways for him to do so and I can't prevent it!!! Maybe it's time for him to start wondering what I'm up to!!!!!

bikerider827 posted 5/16/2013 14:39 PM

My dday was 4/17/13. I discovered the A by phone records, text messages and Facebook. Our MC said I am to have access to everything of his and I can look at everything. The phone has still been closely guarded but when I ask to see it he tells me that I wont find anything (b/c he wont make the same mistake twice). Comments like that tell me that a 2nd phone has been purchased.

Now, I could tear the house apart looking for it but after reading a lot of the comments on this subject I have to agree. What kindof life is it being a spy and then they can just go and do something different that will allow them to get away with it, if that is what they are doing.

The spying becomes obsessive to a point that I try and figure out ways to stay ahead of my WH. I am not saying he is still communicating with the OP but I am beating myself up trying to see if they are. I analyze everything..and I mean EVERYTHING looking for signs of a continued A.

I know I dont I want to live this way with him. Time to take back my life and see where the cards fall. If it becomes obvious again (which it was the first time) then I will know what I have to do.

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