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My life was blown away Friday night- warning this is long.

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maelcu posted 5/15/2013 15:17 PM

I knew things were not great. We have been married 16 years. The past few months we were just really good roommates. Major stress from his work and his family. His sister was getting married in May. I just went back to work after be a stay at home mom for 13 years. I missed the signs...he told me he wasn't happy. I wasn't happy either. I thought it was a rough patch, we had those before. One night he asked what i would do if he had an affair. I said take you for everything you have. I didn't really think he would do that.

Two weeks leading up to going to the wedding where crazy. He had earned a trip to a very nice resort here in WV through work. That was two days.
The next week he had meetings he had to be in, in another resort here. We had one day in between those meetings and leaving for the wedding.

We were in Tampa at the wedding reception when I felt something was deadly wrong. He didn't come near me. We were on a cruise around Tampa Bay all he did was smile for some pictures and stare at the water. I thought at that point when we get home we have to address whatever the problem is.
We came home he still had a couple of days off. He went golfing the day after we got back. He went back to work the day after that. Not because he had to.
Friday night
He tells me he is having an affair. Its been going on for 2 months. He thinks he loves her. I blew I busted pictures it was just ugly. I looked at him and he is texting on his phone at midnight. yep her. It wasn't over with them. He said he felt so much better just telling me.

Here is why i have told anyone reading this about the second resort where he had meetings. I know, I know, you probably have figured it out by now. No meeting. He picked her up and they drove together for their "mini-vacation" not my words.
I knew that business trip did not go like the others had.
He felt better he went to bed.

I sat there I picked up his phone i read the texts that he hadn't deleted yet. Then it was like watching someone else. I called her. She answered. She loves him. She didnt know he was married. She knew. He told me about meeting her months before. they work in the same business, not together. He told me she sent him a friend request on facebook. I told him to be very careful with that.

She said she had received a message on facebook from my daughter she is 12. I was shocked. All she said was it was about her becomimg my daughters step mother. OMG. I made some empty threats and hung up the phone.

I asked my daughter to show me the message she sent she said she deleted it.

He said he was going to see her. I watched him get ready to go see his girlfriend. I still cant believe I did that.
He came home 3hrs later. I asked if he was home to stay or just to get some clothes. He said to stay.

OKAY here is where things go even more upside down. I asked how did it go with her...very calmly. He said he couldn't do it. He did not break up with her. WHAT? He just couldn't do it. But you want to be here with me? I asked. Yes he said. WOW just WOW. Then just guess what he wanted next. To make love to me. UMMMM hell no. You want me call her and end it. I can't it wouldn't be the right way to do that....OMG who is this man I have been married to? He asked me if it would be okay to go back to her house and break up. HELL no I was nuts enough the first time I let you walk out of here. He ended up calling her and ending it.

I found a text he sent after they broke up. geesh
She sent him one on the next day.
I don't know if they have been in contact with each other. He says no .....they probably have.
He says he is sorry that he just didn't have a plan he just knew he had to tell me. That is why this all played out this way.
He says he loves me and is willing to do whatever he needs to fix this. We have an appointment with a MC next week.
He has been brutally honest when I have asked questions. Just not forth coming..I have to ask.

Oh that facebook message my sweet, innocent and only 12 year old sent. FULL of FU's you and my dad have F'd my life if he leaves my mom and marries you I will never have anything to do with my dad again...more Fu's lol.i love that girl.
I'm hoping just putting this out there will help me feel I have some sort of control

Theunwilling posted 5/15/2013 15:43 PM

I'm sorry u are here. I guess I was lucky in the sense my WH went NC immediately. I never had to ask. But I was ready to leave. I didn't ask him to stay , or stop talking. I was done . It seems that ur H is playing both sides. As long as he is contacting her then the A continues. I say set doe boundaries, he needs to go no contact or u need to decide if u want to count to share ur H with OW. Cuz he is cake eater.

Theunwilling posted 5/15/2013 15:45 PM

P.s. read about the 180.

Pippy posted 5/15/2013 15:47 PM

Welcome and I am sorry you are going through this.

Do not give up hope. There are several things needed for R ( reconciliation)

He must show remorse.

He must be transparent.

He must agree to MC and IC if needed.

He must be NC with OW.

He must be willing to support you through the healing process.

From what you say, he is trying to R. It will not be easy and the journey is hard, but so is D.

If you feel things are going off the rails, please read in the Healing Library under BS FAQs #11. Also read as mush as you can of the other articles in the Healing Library. Hugs.

[This message edited by Pippy at 3:48 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

30Rocked posted 5/15/2013 15:47 PM

He texted her after supposedly ending it? And she texted him, so he hasn't blocked her. He has to end all contact with her, non-negotiable. He's clearly still communicating with her. Check his phone activity online. As for him answering your questions, i'm still asking questions months after. I would have so many questions I'd just write them all down and ask them in one sit down. Then again the next day, the next week. I'm so sorry this had happened to you. Hugs and strength to you.

doesitgetbetter posted 5/15/2013 16:21 PM

I just wanted to say, I LOVE your sweet little girl! What a terrible position he put her in, knowing that her Dad was having sex with someone other than his Mom. She's going to hate him for that for a very, VERY long time. I'm so sorry! Love that little girl extra!

donotlietome posted 5/15/2013 16:37 PM

So did the bitch seek out your 12 year old daughter on Facebook and tell her she was going to be her stepmother? If that is the case and that is not enough to make your Hubby hate her guts maybe you do want to kick his ass to the curb!!! I'm so ticked off for you!!

maelcu posted 5/15/2013 17:24 PM

The healing library is such a great help.
When he gets home tonight he will agree to no contact with her or that is what he will be getting from me.

doesitgetbetter she is very disappointed in her dad those are her words. poor baby.

donotlietome-my daughter found her from all her likes on DH's facebook and blasted away.

She is a cheerleader for her school, straight A's she has 5 boys asking her to a formal dance this weekend. I have learned she can curse the wallpaper right off a wall LMAO!

nolight posted 5/15/2013 17:31 PM

I'm so sorry that he has done this although I am glad that you have found your way here, this is a very caring community of people who understand what you are going through so keeps sting here whenever you feel the need to vent or reach out. It's an international community so there is usually someone up.

I have no advice other then to look after yourself physically as well as mentally and read up on the 180 in the healing library.

Tearsoflove posted 5/15/2013 17:33 PM

Wow. Your daughter is self-assured and gutsy. She's not taking any crap! Good for her!

donotlietome posted 5/15/2013 17:41 PM

I think we all want to be like your daughter when we grow up!! lol Take care.

movingforward13 posted 5/16/2013 08:37 AM

Love your daughter! Hugs to both of you!

Sharpeshooter posted 5/16/2013 16:39 PM

G'day,I have just joined and feel pretty lucky to have read your post. Sorry for what that tool has done to your family. Gain strength from your girl, she is amazing and shows the strength of character that YOU TAUGHT HER. She gets that from YOU not your H as he has displayed he has very little to me. Well done be proud of who you have raised.

ajsmom posted 5/16/2013 16:56 PM


LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your girl!

Make sure you read up on the 180 and 180 his ass hard.

Kick him off the fence like you own it.

We've got your back.


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