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anyone with a latin family?

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thebirdcage posted 5/15/2013 18:46 PM

I am new here! Sadly. Here is a quick rundown of my situation. Sorry for I am not familiar with the abbrevations yet...

I am not married. But was in a very comitted relationship that was seriously headed towards marriage. We started off as great friends and it built to a relationship. It is a somewhat new relationship. We have been together for a little over a year now officially. In September 2012 I found out that I was expecting our first child. The worst day of my life came on March 9, 2013 when our baby boy was born still due to a condition I have that I was not aware of. 3 weeks later I recieve a voicemail from my boyfriend's ex that she just had an abortion and it was his child. As if I could get any more crushed. I had just lost my child, found out that I have a possible life threatning condition and then my biggest support was suddenly gone as well. My boyfriend has always been great, and although we were never perfect, we seemed to have things under control. At least I thought so.

Of course a lot of details are being left out, but my boyfriend is exibiting all the "right" things to move forward with working things out. He has agreed to do anything and everything possible to make it work. We are in couples counseling and individual counseling. He cheated on me twice (as in two occassions only) and will till this day say it was his biggest mistakes.

I have decided to try and work things out. Although our chold did not live and was born still at 7 months pregnant. I feel a strong connection to this man and feel truly that we are meant to be together.

Here is my biggest challenge as of right now: I moved out the day I found out and am staying with my mom and brothers. I come from a latin family who are very close. They are totally opossed to me working things out and have given me their share of opinions. I have also lost some friends, friends who have flat out told me that they are dissapointed in me, don't respect me anymore, and cannot associate with me. I struggle with owning my decisions and making the decision for me. My family was there for me when my boyfriend was not and I feel like making the decision to work things out with him is abandoning my family. I hear it every single day and now that I live with them it is even harder.

Any advice please....

stupidgurl posted 5/15/2013 19:44 PM

In my experience, there has been encouragement to stay with a cheating man in Mexican culture, but things are changing, women are making progress and have more support to leave relationships of the kind, but that does not mean you have to move on if you are willing to forgive. It is like the stigma against stay at home moms, if they like staying home then who cares let them do it, they don't want a career and are fulfilled that way. If someone wants to forgive and make it work, and as long as it does not occur again, they should not listen to any objections. If you really are a Latin family, they will love you no matter what, they are just being protective, and are hurting for you, and are worried it will happen again.

P.S. I am sorry about your loss.

[This message edited by stupidgurl at 7:48 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Unagie posted 5/15/2013 19:59 PM

Hi there. I come from a Puerto Rican family, in which machisomo runs rampant and we are very tight knit. Thing is your problem is not due to the fact that your family is latin, they are loyal to you and hate seeing you putting yourself into a situation that they feel will hurt you. Family's are amazing aren't they? They are they to support you through the bad and hug you and love you until you can stand on your own. Thing is the same thing that makes them wonderful can make them overbearing as well and boundaries must be put in place. My family knows that I am with my SO (significant other) for the long haul. As long as we can keep trying to work on us I will be here.

They were not in agreement with this at first. My mom is my best friend and she stopped talking to me for almost a week when I kept arguing that I was depressed but I wasn't leaving and stop trying to make my decisions for me. When she called me again she told me she is my mom and she will always be there. That she understands I need support not someone to make my choices. My brother is the same, as is my SIL (sister-in-law)and my dad...well he's my dad, he wants me to be happy but is ready to do damage is ever necessary.

As for your friends, well when things get tough is when you realize who's really there for you. If your choice is to stay with your boyfriend and it is too much for them to handle then that's their opinion but they have just proven to you that they are not there to support you. To me caring means accepting the choices you don't agree with, voicing that opinion and helping them despite it. They lost respect for you because you had the capacity of forgiveness inside of you? You forgave and decided to give him another chance and due to this they turn their backs, that was their choice.

As for abandoning your family you aren't. They are there to support and love you but your life is yours to lead. If you want to be with your boyfriend allowing guilt because your decision is different then the one your family would have made is going to make you question your decision. You need to create boundaries for your family as well. I know how hard that can be in a tight knit family but its necessary as well.

Siamesecat posted 5/15/2013 20:57 PM

I don't, but my husband's family is Ecuadorian. They are very close knit, and divorce is the enemy, even if one of their own has cheated.

My first reaction was when I read your post is to tell you to move on as well. You are young, and not yet married. If he has already cheated on you twice, then I can only say that this does not bode well for the future.

I know this sounds very harsh, and I hope it isn't hurtful to you. But, imagine if you were married for many years to this man and had children with him. Then the choice is no longer yours alone whether you stay with him. You deserve the best in a life partner. Don't sell yourself short. If he was willing to cheat on you so early into your relationship, I can almost garauntee that this will be a lifetime pattern for him. I wish I had the insight and choice to walk away 24 years ago, but now I have a lifetime devoted to him and 3 kids who are depending on me to provide a solid family for them.
Really think this through, and if your family is trying to discourage you from remaining with him, then maybe they have a long term insight that you don't have right now.

ladies_first posted 5/18/2013 07:33 AM

I come from a latin family who are very close. They are totally opossed to me working things out and have given me their share of opinions. I have also lost some friends, friends who have flat out told me that they are dissapointed in me, don't respect me anymore,

I find, that when an entire community of people don't like someone, there must be some valid reasons behind the opinion. Your family and friends are not blinded by love, as you are. What do they objectively see in your boyfriend that you cannot?

What reasons do they give for not seeing him as living up to the long-term husband and father roles?

thebirdcage posted 5/20/2013 17:25 PM

Thank you all of your input.

My family just doesn't want me to get hurt again. I understand. I get it. I really do. And I know and understand that I am "in it" and respect their opinions. But I made my choice to R and am trying my very best.

What I meant by a Latin family is that we are very involved and intertwined in each other lives. And it is very voiced to you when you make a decision that goes against what they think.

BeyondBreaking posted 5/20/2013 17:37 PM

I went through a similar thing with my family while trying to R with DD's dad. They hated him, didn't understand why I was trying to make things work, and were seriously opposed to R. I don't have one of those families who speak their peace and let me live my life. I had to hear about their opinions every single day during R. It was rough.

What they need to understand is that you respect and love them, but this is your decision to make. When they bring it up, tell your family members that you appreciate their advice, but this is something that you need to work through.

Now that being said, take a step back. Listen to your family- they care about you and probably have very legit reasons for feeling the way that they do. Try to look at your situation from their eyes- if your brother was in the same situation as you, what would you tell him? How would you feel about the person he was trying to R with? It could be that all of your family and friends are seeing something that you are not.

As far as your friends go, I get it. I really do. It is so hard to watch a friend who you care about make a decision that you feel is going to hurt her. That being said, you need to surround yourself with people who support you- even when you disagree. People who drop you because of a disagreement are not true friends.

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