I have so much anxiety in my stomach today. I heard evidence two weeks ago on VAR I put in his car. He at first denied then said he needed to see a psychiatrist before he could say anything. His appt is tomorrow. I tried talking to him last night about what would happen after his appt. I said I needed to have all truths that I needed, no TT, no lying. He didn't want to talk, said you already asked about this three times. I already told you we will talk. Not that I would tell the whole truth but that we would talk. I don't understand this aggravated response...not a reassuring response but so much anxiety and aggravation. Is this because he is scared or just looking out for himself and not wanting to talk about unpleasant things?
It has been such a strange limbo to have to live these past two weeks. He has been professing love and devotion but don't know what to think. Have been feeling a roller coaster of pain and detachment and sadness. Don't feel like I really know him only the idea of a person. I think he really doesn't know himself, has said that he doesn't think he said the things on the recorder (I love you, I know how you can make me feel better).
I am afraid though, that he has decided to be all love and devotion to me because she told him to take a hike. I don't want her sloppy seconds. How can I figure out this? He told me one thing when I pushed, that he threw out his secret, by the minutes phone the morning after I played the recording for him. I am afraid that it was after he called her and she said she didn't want him. How can I believe that he wants a life with only me now after he has been back and forth with her for over a decade now and that he made this decision himself, choosing me over her, not that I was what was left for him to choose? Is there any hope that he will become a person, through therapy that I can trust wants only me? I have had one session with IC and she told me I can never trust him, that he will never tell me truths. His last psychiatrist from the second time told him that he can change, that he can learn new responses, ways to deal with life and not lie. Which is truth?
I am so apprehensive about what he will reveal after this psych visit. Mostly apprehensive about TT and outright lies that he has had these two weeks to formulate. Looking for strength.