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Needs to see psych before he talks

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mainlyinpain posted 5/15/2013 18:55 PM

I have so much anxiety in my stomach today. I heard evidence two weeks ago on VAR I put in his car. He at first denied then said he needed to see a psychiatrist before he could say anything. His appt is tomorrow. I tried talking to him last night about what would happen after his appt. I said I needed to have all truths that I needed, no TT, no lying. He didn't want to talk, said you already asked about this three times. I already told you we will talk. Not that I would tell the whole truth but that we would talk. I don't understand this aggravated response...not a reassuring response but so much anxiety and aggravation. Is this because he is scared or just looking out for himself and not wanting to talk about unpleasant things?

It has been such a strange limbo to have to live these past two weeks. He has been professing love and devotion but don't know what to think. Have been feeling a roller coaster of pain and detachment and sadness. Don't feel like I really know him only the idea of a person. I think he really doesn't know himself, has said that he doesn't think he said the things on the recorder (I love you, I know how you can make me feel better).

I am afraid though, that he has decided to be all love and devotion to me because she told him to take a hike. I don't want her sloppy seconds. How can I figure out this? He told me one thing when I pushed, that he threw out his secret, by the minutes phone the morning after I played the recording for him. I am afraid that it was after he called her and she said she didn't want him. How can I believe that he wants a life with only me now after he has been back and forth with her for over a decade now and that he made this decision himself, choosing me over her, not that I was what was left for him to choose? Is there any hope that he will become a person, through therapy that I can trust wants only me? I have had one session with IC and she told me I can never trust him, that he will never tell me truths. His last psychiatrist from the second time told him that he can change, that he can learn new responses, ways to deal with life and not lie. Which is truth?
I am so apprehensive about what he will reveal after this psych visit. Mostly apprehensive about TT and outright lies that he has had these two weeks to formulate. Looking for strength.

mainlyinpain posted 5/15/2013 20:37 PM

Also, he tells me that there was absolutely no sexual contact of any kind, not even a hug or kiss since 2004. He says she contacted him again in 2/2011 and they saw each other until I found out in 10/2011 (through pictures on her daughters facebook). He said he stopped that contact (but I have evidence of 2/2012 contact.) He says this new contact started in 2013.
Is there any chance that there really was no physical contact? With him on the VAR saying that he loves her and that he knows what she can do to make him feel better. It was said kind of jokingly but... I am beginning to think that if there actually wasn't it was her decision and not his. My question is could these two previous PA people really see each other for almost a year and not have any physical contact? Doesn't make sense to me and yet he is so adamant and so convincing.

Tearsoflove posted 5/15/2013 21:46 PM

Is there any chance that there really was no physical contact?

I always wish there was but, honestly, probably not.

My husband claimed no sex both times. He admitted to it after a week of discussion the first time. The second time, he finally admitted it 6 months later after he had held my chin and had me look him straight in the eye while he swore there was no sex. My husband has a guilty conscience. If he didn't, he'd never have told me. If your husband has been able to lie and hold it in, I'd bet he's never giving up the truth without evidence on your part. I'd get STD testing to be on the safe side. HPV was my parting gift from the first affair.

mainlyinpain posted 5/15/2013 22:11 PM

I am so twisted around in the head. My husband is a habitual liar, even about stupid stuff. He knows he has a problem and he tries. Just learned the term gaslight here and realize just what that has done to me for so many years and how it has altered my reality and my ability to think and make decisions. I hate to think he is lying about this...I hate having to have a possibility of it being the truth but also the possibility of it being a lie. I hate to have to carry hope in my heart and the possibility of despair right along with it. I want to know what is real.

Tearsoflove posted 5/16/2013 15:44 PM

I always knew deep down that my husband was lying. Why? Logic. Logically, his having her to his hotel room and her spending the night but not having sex made no sense. What finally got my husband to admit to it was an email where I pointed out about 17 points that made no logical sense and why they meant that I would never stop looking and torturing myself with them. As much as I wanted to believe their story (the OW's BH got the same story as me because they had rehearsed them), there was just no logic to it. My head just wouldn't let me move forward as long as the story didn't make sense.

If you are having the same issue, you are still being gas lighted. You'll know you have as much truth as you need when your head lets you move forward. It won't as long as it doesn't make sense.

undonelife posted 5/16/2013 16:39 PM

I don't mean to sound crude, but after 3 d-days why would you want to try anymore? I couldn't keep hoping for him to change. I would run away as fast as I could.

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