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why is going NC so hard for me?

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Alyssamd24 posted 5/15/2013 20:12 PM

I have been trying to go NC with my AP for a few weeks now but cannot stick with it. The actual PA ended in December but all the emotional crap is still there. I want so badly to forget him and move on so I can fix myself and get my life back but I can't seem to shake it.
For those of you who have done it, how did you do it and how long did it take? Is it "normal" for it to be so hard??

EvolvingSoul posted 5/15/2013 21:26 PM

Are you saying it feels awful but you're not contacting AP or are you still actually contacting AP and feeling crummy about it?

Mrs Panda posted 5/15/2013 21:46 PM

Since there is no sex since Dec, my bet it he has moved on. Unless there is more sex.
Stop humilating yourself by contacting on him.

How's your BH doing? Any progress there?

authenticnow posted 5/16/2013 05:04 AM

You stick with it by just sticking with it. That means, NC...physical, emotional contact...all of it.

You don't entertain thoughts of contact, you don't call, email, follow on twitter, nothing.

It took me a lot of tries to cut all contact with my EA. We kept 'trying to be just friends'. That didn't work.

That was disrespectful to my marriage and every time NC was broken it was starting the EA all over again.

Focus on your M. What's going on with that? Are you in IC? MC? Are you putting as much energy into your BH and your M as you are putting into thoughts of OM?

20WrongsVs1 posted 5/16/2013 06:14 AM

If contact with the OM is like heroin, consider taking methadone instead. Was just talking with BH yesterday about this. And he was ticked off, no doubt, to hear that I am still feeling that craving! Honesty sucks sometimes.

But SI has become my methadone, to some degree. Also the mods contacted me privately (seeking clarification on an older thread) and reminded me that the rules of SI are clear on this. Not that your M isn't more important than their rules :) But it might help, if you value this outlet, because this site is for people who have ended their affairs. Have you?

You need to choose: are you a weak, helpless addict? Or a strong, brave woman on the difficult road to recovery?

revelationx posted 5/16/2013 13:37 PM

Heroin Methadone great analogy. Yes find another outlet, hell go exercise, something that occupies your mind. You can't quit cold turkey and just do a little. AA doesn't tell you to nip a little when you feel like it.

Just stop - you have to decide what you want and be strong for that decision.

Alyssamd24 posted 5/16/2013 19:12 PM

Thank you everyone who has responded...I know that everything you have written is true..I need to suck it up and move on.

BH and I are kinda in limbo....he isn't going to let me move back in until he is ready...he wants to start IC before we do any MC. I have my first IC appointment on Monday...I don't know what to expect but am being optimistic.

Mrs Panda posted 5/16/2013 19:59 PM

You should introduce your BH to this site.

I know it's scary.

Be brave. Email him the link.

authenticnow posted 5/17/2013 04:53 AM

It's not really a matter of sucking it up. It's letting go, focusing on yourself and healing (good luck with MC! great step ).

How about instead of sucking it up you think of it as purging the poison and letting go of the A thinking and behavior?

Are you still contacting OM?

Alyssamd24 posted 5/17/2013 20:36 PM

I have told him about the site but I don't think he has come on yet..I would like him to because I think it would help him a lot, like it is helping me.
OM and I aren't talking anymore. He sent me an email today but I am now cutting him out and really going to go NC.

Thank you for the encouragement about the IC!!

Maia posted 5/18/2013 13:20 PM

You're not being honest with yourself.

Part of you doesn't want nc and you have to admit that and deal with why. What's under that.

That's why.

Truth sets you free.

Card posted 5/18/2013 14:50 PM

He sent me an email today but I am now cutting him out and really going to go NC.

So you've still been emailing with him even though the sex has ended.
That's 5 months of contact!
Does your H know this?

That means you are still triggering over and over again.

You're behaving like the alcoholic that wants to get sober but refuses to stay out of the bar. I know because I've been there, done that!

The first steps to going NC begin with writing a NC Letter to the OM.

Have you done this?

The next steps in NC start with eliminating all ways of contact.
You change cell numbers.
You change EMAIL ADDYS.
You change friends that associate with him.
If you work with him you change jobs.
If you live near him you change your residence.

And, Yes, I did all the above!

Anyone I've ever seen that's serious about NC does the same.

Are you willing to do these things today?

[This message edited by Card at 2:52 PM, May 18th (Saturday)]

Card posted 5/18/2013 15:02 PM

I have a sample of a NC Letter for you.

(This is from a book in the healing library called, "Surviving An Affair", page 58)

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a gread deal for miy family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.


It's my opinion, as well as the author of the books opinion that this NC Letter be mailed and/or emailed by your spouse to the OM to help recovery begin.

Strydr posted 5/18/2013 22:07 PM


I wish you strength in your journey. I too have my struggles not with NC but in another area. I pray for you and your BS and hope that you am end and a stronger and real marriage blossoms from our betrayals

Trying33 posted 5/19/2013 01:33 AM

Part of you doesn't want nc and you have to admit that and deal with why. What's under that.

Thank-you for this Maia.

Alyssamd24 posted 5/19/2013 20:30 PM

Maria:I don't know why...and I don't know how to even figure that out...

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