Here's my predicament. After a very heated argument with my WH last night I called his EA OW and left a message that I think it's time for me and her to have a discussion and then proceeded to Facebook message her maybe BF (not sure if they are together or not) and told him about the EA. After getting off the phone with WH he text OW 5 times (while I was calling her and sending the BF a message) and then she finally text him. He then had to check his voicemail 4 times and then text her back. There was no contact between them today which is very unusual until almost 10:00 tonight when he called her and they talked for 2 minutes. I'm sure that OW told my WH that I had called her (he said he would be really pissed if I did) and maybe the OBS said something to her and she told WH.
My fear is that he is going to be so upset with me that he's going to go back on his agreement for child support and how to handle the finances through this 3 month trial separation. I have no money to hire a lawyer....talked to one on Monday and it was a $3500.00 retainer fee! I may be overreacting right now but can anyone tell me what my options are now? There is no way me and my daughter can survive without child support. He also knows that if we did go through lawyers that he would probably be paying a heck of a lot more since he makes almost $6000.00 a month gross.
What resources do I have? How do I protect myself and my daughter, financially? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
In the first hour with her, she explained to me that child care expenses and unreimbursed medical expenses are in addition to child support and that we should be splitting them. At that time I was paying for all of our DDs expenses so I asked in the next mediation session that we start splitting them and he had to write me a check and has every month since for more than that first hour with the lawyer.
Get a lawyer by hook or by crook. It is well worth it.
I honestly cannot afford a lawyer! My income after taxes, health insurance, 401K and critical care insurance is $630 every 2 weeks. My rent is $425 a month and I said I would be responsible for the credit card bills which are about $500 a month. I also said I would pay 1/2 of the cellphone bill and 1/2 of the vehicle insurance. With all that I would maybe have $100 a month to live off of. I'm going to have to get a second job but I live in such a small town that there aren't many jobs available.
I'm going to call tomorrow to legal aid and see if I qualify for free or reduced help. I'm also going to call the county financial workers and see if I can get help obtaining child support.
I'm also concerned because we were supposed to get together and pay the bills for the 15th this weekend and that never happened. So, I did it on my own. But, if he doesn't give me access to his paycheck then there will be no money to live on at all! I could see him taking the money all in cash and not giving me a penny. I'll find that out tomorrow for sure as that is when he gets paid and if his check is in his truck as that was our agreement. But with him texting my best friend last night I worry as she is also the secretary for the business he works for. I'm speculating but I wonder if that was what the messages were last night; don't leave my check in the truck for her to get to.
I'm scared to death! What the hell am I going to do? I can't ask my parents for more money; they've given me so much all ready and I can't keep charging stuff on credit cards as that just adds to more stress for me as the minimum monthly payments will just go up.
Any advice or encouragement? I'm just sick to my stomach right now.....haven't gotten much sleep because of this.
You deserve better than to be his plan B.
Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library and implement it yesterday.
Go and see an L and get the ball rolling. I guarantee he will blindside you if you don't take this course of action. I know because it happened to me. Hope paralysed me to the point that he could and did fuck me over a million ways.
Total NC. Tell him there is no trial S if he is in contact with her. It is full S. Full stop.
Out him and her to all of your friends and family and to her BS.
Tell them what is going on. Let them support you now.
You can't 'nice' them into having True Remorse - you can't 'nasty' them into having True Remorse. They either do or they don't. Until he does you need to 180/NC his sorry arse.
I know you can't think straight right now - you're in the eye of the crazy storm. I was right where you are except I made it clear we were DONE. In my heart of hearts the door was still open - it led to this all being far more painful than it needed to be.
Let him go. Don't try to hold on with all fingers and toes. If there is any chance of R you will need to cut him off and toss him right out into his new life - take away all of the benefits of having a loving and committed wife waiting at home.
Right now he has ZERO incentive to give up OW. He has you both. You can't make him give her up but you sure can take yourself out of the game.
Remember - he is NOT the prize here. You are. Hard to see it right now but you will - I promise you that.
((stilltrying2025)) Keep reading, keep posting. Your story is not unique. He is acting exactly to script and so are you. Change it up.
You can't control what he does but you can control what you will tolerate. Do not tolerate this bullshit for even one millisecond.
I'm just scared of the whole thing. Hopefully today I get some positive answers!
Thank you for your response. I will try to get the ball rolling!
Consults are sometimes free or a set fee. You need to sit down with a lawyer show him your income (joint), the debt and assets, and ask him for your best/worse case scenarios. As to retaining a lawyer they may not all run that high. I got a range from 2500 to 4000.
You need information before you proceed and you need to document the texts you mentioned: "texting my best friend asking her to come over and have sex with him."
Make sure you have secured documentation of his income! Ira's, past tax returns, etc.
There isn't anything you are describing that sound temporary about his actions - they sound designed to do permanent damage.
One thing I find really important and is 100% recommended by anyone who knows of my life is NC with OW!!! It is paramount. The next step, that's harder, is NC with WH/WSO. It's so hard for a while because in our minds and hearts we are still attached to them and in shock, but in all reality, it's your best interest to not contact them...this I promise. They both could turn things you say against you and I do appreciating outing them, I do.
But now if you could figure out a way to leave it alone and work on your things, it's really hard and scary advice, but it's correct!
I have a lawyer I really like, but was scared sh..less to actually go to that step. It took me a really, really long time and a lot of learning about STBXH/Perv, but am getting there and realizing that he is really not on my side after all.
You sound so much like me! Do you know what I learned by giving chances? It only hurt DD and me. He doesn't need or want chances and is already living his whole entire new life, leaving us in the dust...don't spend your energy and time on this guy, for in the end it will cause more hurt.
What I am learning is that going to Perv is useless nowadays for anything at all and so I don't. I go to L or family members-or SI-and am almost like an addiction to completely separate from him, but I have to and it sounds like you do, too.
It's my thought that if he is truly soliciting himself for sex, he's seeking revenge on you or is simply detatched and all done with you, and I'm sorry. He's moved on and now you have to.
Getting an L will help and mine reduced his rate. At first I was scared to borrow money but a relative was gladly willing to help -it's protection and they can help you sooo much.
Where I live there is a social services and a women's shelter and I'm going to call them when I clear some head space to see what I may qualify for, if anything.
STBXH in my situation is also trying to pull rank and bully me and weasel out of the child support and other bills, but for the sake of DD and baby to be, I can't let that happen.
I hope some of my work and story will help and I wish you soo much luck. I find that if I can wait for the emotion to calm down for myself, I can think better.
Best of luck and hugs.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Even if you cannot keep it forever, as the caregiver of your children, I think there are rights that you have for a period of time and as the mother, as well. Perhaps others on Si can either back me up on that thought or maybe I'm wrong...there are a few broken families in this predicament and the moms got the house when there was money.
I almost left in that way and I didn't-so he did. A long while later, I'm still there and exhausted, but so glad. And hopefully I and others who stayed in the marital home with the children will appear as the more stable one by doing that.
I have not tried contacting either the OW or her BF since initial contact and I don't plan on it. The last thing I need is them accusing me of harassing them. The message I left on her phone and the message I sent to him on Facebook were not mean in any way so they can't use that against me.
To my surprise today as I'm in the bank setting up a new checking account my WH text me and asked if I would put his check in the bank and then take $200 for myself. I was really, really, REALLY shocked by that. I don't know what he's up to. I told him I would and that I would leave the receipt and check register in his truck and that I would not be using the debit card. He said "That's up to you". I did not reply. I want to do NC but with trying to keep up on the bills at home so we don't lose the house or have our credit ruined more we have decided to keep it strictly about finances and kids. Other then that, I'm done talking to him.
I'm so tired of the mind games that he plays with me. I never know what he is going to do and I don't think he does either. I'm not holding my breath for R but as long as he follows the agreement we made regarding finances and child support then I'll follow the rules also.
God help me.....this sucks more than I can ever imagine.
Thank you for everyone's advice! I do take every word to heart. I'll see how this next weekend goes and if he offers me money again. If not, I'm following through with the divorce.
Hugs to all as we are ALL hurting. Damn spouses; why do they have to be so hurtful and cruel
The guilt will fade soon enough and he'll compartmentalise it in his head to make all of this your fault.
Protect yourself friend. Go see a L and see what their advice is. He is not the man you thought you married. This is not a 'mood' - this is who he really is, he is showing you... believe him.