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stilltrying2025 posted 5/15/2013 22:32 PM

Me and my husband are separating, I will be out of the house before he gets home on Friday. We made verbal agreements regarding child support and how to handle our finances.

Here's my predicament. After a very heated argument with my WH last night I called his EA OW and left a message that I think it's time for me and her to have a discussion and then proceeded to Facebook message her maybe BF (not sure if they are together or not) and told him about the EA. After getting off the phone with WH he text OW 5 times (while I was calling her and sending the BF a message) and then she finally text him. He then had to check his voicemail 4 times and then text her back. There was no contact between them today which is very unusual until almost 10:00 tonight when he called her and they talked for 2 minutes. I'm sure that OW told my WH that I had called her (he said he would be really pissed if I did) and maybe the OBS said something to her and she told WH.

My fear is that he is going to be so upset with me that he's going to go back on his agreement for child support and how to handle the finances through this 3 month trial separation. I have no money to hire a lawyer....talked to one on Monday and it was a $3500.00 retainer fee! I may be overreacting right now but can anyone tell me what my options are now? There is no way me and my daughter can survive without child support. He also knows that if we did go through lawyers that he would probably be paying a heck of a lot more since he makes almost $6000.00 a month gross.

What resources do I have? How do I protect myself and my daughter, financially? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

abigailadams posted 5/15/2013 22:49 PM

You need a lawyer whether your WH is upset or not. I was terrified of having to pay a large retainer but I found a lawyer that I really like who is willing to bill me on an hourly basis.

In the first hour with her, she explained to me that child care expenses and unreimbursed medical expenses are in addition to child support and that we should be splitting them. At that time I was paying for all of our DDs expenses so I asked in the next mediation session that we start splitting them and he had to write me a check and has every month since for more than that first hour with the lawyer.

Get a lawyer by hook or by crook. It is well worth it.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/20/2013 04:50 AM

I'm so lost and I don't know what to do! I really believe he's going to leave me high and dry as we share a joint checking account and my check automatically gets deposited into that account and his check is still paper form. After I "outed" him and OW to the OW BF he's been doing some really strange things like texting my best friend asking her to come over and have sex with him. Then I saw that yesterday he got a call from one of my other friends and then later at night he text my best friend 3 times; she never responded. Then he text the OW even though there had been no contact with each other for at least 3 days. We had verbal agreements that we would leave our finances as is for this month and then starting in June my paycheck would go into my own account and he would pay me $800 a month in child support. Now I'm afraid he won't follow through and he'll keep his paycheck from me; he already put us in the hole this week.

I honestly cannot afford a lawyer! My income after taxes, health insurance, 401K and critical care insurance is $630 every 2 weeks. My rent is $425 a month and I said I would be responsible for the credit card bills which are about $500 a month. I also said I would pay 1/2 of the cellphone bill and 1/2 of the vehicle insurance. With all that I would maybe have $100 a month to live off of. I'm going to have to get a second job but I live in such a small town that there aren't many jobs available.

I'm going to call tomorrow to legal aid and see if I qualify for free or reduced help. I'm also going to call the county financial workers and see if I can get help obtaining child support.

I'm also concerned because we were supposed to get together and pay the bills for the 15th this weekend and that never happened. So, I did it on my own. But, if he doesn't give me access to his paycheck then there will be no money to live on at all! I could see him taking the money all in cash and not giving me a penny. I'll find that out tomorrow for sure as that is when he gets paid and if his check is in his truck as that was our agreement. But with him texting my best friend last night I worry as she is also the secretary for the business he works for. I'm speculating but I wonder if that was what the messages were last night; don't leave my check in the truck for her to get to.

I'm scared to death! What the hell am I going to do? I can't ask my parents for more money; they've given me so much all ready and I can't keep charging stuff on credit cards as that just adds to more stress for me as the minimum monthly payments will just go up.

Any advice or encouragement? I'm just sick to my stomach right now.....haven't gotten much sleep because of this.

SBB posted 5/20/2013 06:32 AM

Why are you giving him a 3 month separation? It seems like a hall pass to try out his new life.

You deserve better than to be his plan B.

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library and implement it yesterday.

Go and see an L and get the ball rolling. I guarantee he will blindside you if you don't take this course of action. I know because it happened to me. Hope paralysed me to the point that he could and did fuck me over a million ways.

Total NC. Tell him there is no trial S if he is in contact with her. It is full S. Full stop.

Out him and her to all of your friends and family and to her BS.

Tell them what is going on. Let them support you now.

You can't 'nice' them into having True Remorse - you can't 'nasty' them into having True Remorse. They either do or they don't. Until he does you need to 180/NC his sorry arse.

I know you can't think straight right now - you're in the eye of the crazy storm. I was right where you are except I made it clear we were DONE. In my heart of hearts the door was still open - it led to this all being far more painful than it needed to be.

Let him go. Don't try to hold on with all fingers and toes. If there is any chance of R you will need to cut him off and toss him right out into his new life - take away all of the benefits of having a loving and committed wife waiting at home.

Right now he has ZERO incentive to give up OW. He has you both. You can't make him give her up but you sure can take yourself out of the game.

Remember - he is NOT the prize here. You are. Hard to see it right now but you will - I promise you that.

((stilltrying2025)) Keep reading, keep posting. Your story is not unique. He is acting exactly to script and so are you. Change it up.

You can't control what he does but you can control what you will tolerate. Do not tolerate this bullshit for even one millisecond.

stilltrying2025 posted 5/20/2013 06:49 AM

I don't know why I'm giving him 3 months. After this weekend I don't want to give him 1 more week. Hopefully when I call legal aid today they will tell me what I need to hear; I can get free legal assistance for the divorce. I just can't borrow any more money from my parents; they've given me so much already and it's not their responsibility. Hopefully too when I contact human services they can help me out too. I just feel like I made a mistake by leaving because he will financially kill me just to hurt me. God I hate what he is doing to me and his children! He hasn't tried to contact our 17 year old in over 2 weeks nor has he contacted our 19 year old in over a week. Hasn't seen his granddaughter for over a week either.

I'm just scared of the whole thing. Hopefully today I get some positive answers!

Thank you for your response. I will try to get the ball rolling!

Take2 posted 5/20/2013 07:03 AM

I would not leave the house temporarily or otherwise until I consulted with a lawyer. Leaving the marital home is typically not advised!

Consults are sometimes free or a set fee. You need to sit down with a lawyer show him your income (joint), the debt and assets, and ask him for your best/worse case scenarios. As to retaining a lawyer they may not all run that high. I got a range from 2500 to 4000.

You need information before you proceed and you need to document the texts you mentioned: "texting my best friend asking her to come over and have sex with him."

Make sure you have secured documentation of his income! Ira's, past tax returns, etc.
There isn't anything you are describing that sound temporary about his actions - they sound designed to do permanent damage.

Ashland13 posted 5/20/2013 08:05 AM

Hi Still Trying,

One thing I find really important and is 100% recommended by anyone who knows of my life is NC with OW!!! It is paramount. The next step, that's harder, is NC with WH/WSO. It's so hard for a while because in our minds and hearts we are still attached to them and in shock, but in all reality, it's your best interest to not contact them...this I promise. They both could turn things you say against you and I do appreciating outing them, I do.

But now if you could figure out a way to leave it alone and work on your things, it's really hard and scary advice, but it's correct!

I have a lawyer I really like, but was scared sh..less to actually go to that step. It took me a really, really long time and a lot of learning about STBXH/Perv, but am getting there and realizing that he is really not on my side after all.

You sound so much like me! Do you know what I learned by giving chances? It only hurt DD and me. He doesn't need or want chances and is already living his whole entire new life, leaving us in the dust...don't spend your energy and time on this guy, for in the end it will cause more hurt.

What I am learning is that going to Perv is useless nowadays for anything at all and so I don't. I go to L or family members-or SI-and am almost like an addiction to completely separate from him, but I have to and it sounds like you do, too.

It's my thought that if he is truly soliciting himself for sex, he's seeking revenge on you or is simply detatched and all done with you, and I'm sorry. He's moved on and now you have to.

Getting an L will help and mine reduced his rate. At first I was scared to borrow money but a relative was gladly willing to help -it's protection and they can help you sooo much.

Where I live there is a social services and a women's shelter and I'm going to call them when I clear some head space to see what I may qualify for, if anything.

STBXH in my situation is also trying to pull rank and bully me and weasel out of the child support and other bills, but for the sake of DD and baby to be, I can't let that happen.

I hope some of my work and story will help and I wish you soo much luck. I find that if I can wait for the emotion to calm down for myself, I can think better.

Best of luck and hugs.

Ashland13 posted 5/20/2013 08:09 AM

P.S. Please, don't leave your house! For your children's sake and your own, stay as long as you can! If he's not kicking you out, see what you can do to get him out-he should go. He's causing the problems and pain.

Even if you cannot keep it forever, as the caregiver of your children, I think there are rights that you have for a period of time and as the mother, as well. Perhaps others on Si can either back me up on that thought or maybe I'm wrong...there are a few broken families in this predicament and the moms got the house when there was money.

I almost left in that way and I didn't-so he did. A long while later, I'm still there and exhausted, but so glad. And hopefully I and others who stayed in the marital home with the children will appear as the more stable one by doing that.

Phoenix1 posted 5/20/2013 08:38 AM

In addition to contacting legal aid, contact your court system directly. In our state the court system provides a wealth of pro se (do it yourself) legal assistance. Then start doing your homework! Find out your state laws on legal separation (not all states recognize it), divorce, dissolution, etc. Look into state laws on child support. DON'T leave the marital home, make him leave. Knowledge is power...

stilltrying2025 posted 5/20/2013 13:50 PM

Well I'm sorry to say that I have already left the marital home. I have rented an apartment and moved in last Thursday. Honestly, I could not stay in that house for 3 reasons: 1) All the memories kicked me in the face on a daily basis. 2) My daughter who came with me was so uncomfortable in the house that she would rarely come home, normally stayed at a friends house and I saw her depression getting worse and worse. 3) He would have never left, no matter how much I demanded and that would have only made my daughter and mine depression worse...we would have been fighting all the time. Also, it's showing him that I can't handle it and that HE has to take care of everything now. HE has to learn to pay the bills. HE has to do his own laundry and dishes. HE has to sit in a half empty house with no one to talk to face to face. HE doesn't get to spend time with his granddaughter or daughters. Maybe with me being gone HE will pull his head out of his ass and figure it out; a friendship isn't worth everything he is losing. And, if not, well then it's his loss. I felt I had to make this move to try and get on with my life, with or without him.

I have not tried contacting either the OW or her BF since initial contact and I don't plan on it. The last thing I need is them accusing me of harassing them. The message I left on her phone and the message I sent to him on Facebook were not mean in any way so they can't use that against me.

To my surprise today as I'm in the bank setting up a new checking account my WH text me and asked if I would put his check in the bank and then take $200 for myself. I was really, really, REALLY shocked by that. I don't know what he's up to. I told him I would and that I would leave the receipt and check register in his truck and that I would not be using the debit card. He said "That's up to you". I did not reply. I want to do NC but with trying to keep up on the bills at home so we don't lose the house or have our credit ruined more we have decided to keep it strictly about finances and kids. Other then that, I'm done talking to him.

I'm so tired of the mind games that he plays with me. I never know what he is going to do and I don't think he does either. I'm not holding my breath for R but as long as he follows the agreement we made regarding finances and child support then I'll follow the rules also.

God help me.....this sucks more than I can ever imagine.

Thank you for everyone's advice! I do take every word to heart. I'll see how this next weekend goes and if he offers me money again. If not, I'm following through with the divorce.

Hugs to all as we are ALL hurting. Damn spouses; why do they have to be so hurtful and cruel

SBB posted 5/20/2013 22:06 PM

Please protect yourself. Don't make the mistake of attributing meaning to any small act of 'kindness' - chances are his guilt is causing it (note I said guilt, not remorse).

The guilt will fade soon enough and he'll compartmentalise it in his head to make all of this your fault.

Protect yourself friend. Go see a L and see what their advice is. He is not the man you thought you married. This is not a 'mood' - this is who he really is, he is showing you... believe him.

GreenMom posted 5/22/2013 09:34 AM

Get a lawyer yesterday.

kernel posted 5/22/2013 17:43 PM

Get a lawyer. I'm glad you are getting your own checking account. You need to get legally separated so that you can protect yourself financially. He can be running up bills all over the place and since you're married, they are your bills too. It's also the best way to try to make sure he pays his share of the bills and child support. Can you put the retainer for a lawyer on a credit card?

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