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Newest Member: Shattered31 (45724)

User Topic: Possible Madhatter Situation
slo2005
♀ 38845
Member # 38845
Sad  Posted: 10:51 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has almost been 2 months since DDay. We have found a MC and I have found IC. We have decided no more secrets, and we have been sharing our thoughts with each other. He recently stated that he has been looking at women differently. He has actually been noticing them more. Noticing how attractive they are and has been thinking about having an affair. He is wondering what it is like to be with someone else now. I feel like a hypocrite, but I told him I am not ok with him sleeping with someone else. Brief background on me ( several affairs over the last 6 out of the 7 years we have been married). On the other hand I feel like i deserve it, and I have no right to stop him or be upset. I just feel that if we are in the reconciliation phase, that it will ruin it. I dont know what to say or how to feel. I told him not to tell me if he did, then i said to tell me. I am freaking out. I have been dong so much to heal myself and this marriage. I read " A Wife After Gods Own Heart" It made me re-evaluate the person I was individually and in our marriage. I have a new respect for myself, my H, and our M. I finally know what love really feels like, and I feel it for him. I finally know what a marriage should be like and I want it with him. Now he is thinking about having an affair and I am lost. I mean he doesnt have anyone particular picked out that i know of. He just said the thoughts are there. What do i do? What do I say? Do I sit back and let it happen or try and stop it?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, May 15th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mention that you are in MC, has this subject come up?

Is this something he is feeling, or planning? I know my BW told me all sorts of things she was feeling 2 months out of Dday, none of which she was going to do. Maybe he is just expressing anger.

I can't figure out from your post how serious he is about these thoughts.

If he is serious, you do have a right to let him know that it is not ok with you. Him having a RA will not help anything or even the score. Ther are many in here that will back that statement up.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A RA will not fix anything. It will do nothing but add more pain to an already horrible situation. You have every right to not want him to have an A and not be okay with this thought process. Address this in marriage counseling and get the I deserve this mindset out of your head. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, even someone who previously cheated.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2798 | Registered: Oct 2012
slo2005
♀ 38845
Member # 38845
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Badchoice, I think that these are just his feelings. I dont think he is planning on doing anything. I just know now it would be easier for him to act on his feelings knowing I betrayed him. I could understand him doing it if we were fighting , separated, or he didnt decide if he wanted to reconcile. I feel we are in the reconcile phase, and it hurts to think he has a stronger chance to cheat and we are doing so well.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Mar 2013
ReunitePangea
♂ 37529
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slo2005 - I am a BS here

I know that I have had some of the same type of thoughts after finding out my wife's affair. They really are just thoughts though and not something that I would act on. I think for my case they come from being in a angry phase over it - sometimes I just want my wife to put herself in my shoes so that I know she really understands what she did to hurt me. I also think I question that if the roles were reversed and it was me that had the affair instead would she be offering me a chance at R like I am offering her.

If those are just his thoughts, thank him for sharing his feelings, tell him that you really don't want him to do that - you know how much pain it causes, say sorry for all the things you did to hurt him and thank him for giving you a second chance.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An affair is so humiliating to a BS. You feel so worthless and devalued.

Can't help thinking if a revenge affair would put the pride back; make the BS feel more worthy. In reality, of course, its more fuel on the fire, solves nothing and generates a new source of pain for the relationship to deal with.

The biggest problem I feel is not a RA, which most people refer to, but an event years down the road, when an opportunity to cheat comes along. The affair has been pushed to the back of the BS's mind, but there is now a feeling of tacit permission to go ahead. After all your FWS did and its very exciting and tempting....

As I said not really about revenge, but more about letting go of self-restraint because of past adultery. This is the situation I think is likely to persist in your marriage and its up to his sense of morality and decency whether he follows through. Little you can do about it except reconcile as successfully as you can.


Posts: 1823 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If those are just his thoughts, thank him for sharing his feelings, tell him that you really don't want him to do that - you know how much pain it causes, say sorry for all the things you did to hurt him and thank him for giving you a second chance.

^^^ I think this is exactly what you should do. It is a great chance to start a communication about both of your feelings. Maybe bring it up this way in MC.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
revelationx
♂ 39278
Member # 39278
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lack of communication is what ruined my marriage, and ended me up as WS and then BS when the RA hit. For me the RA was a wakeup call but too late.

My A was a mistake and her RA just complicated things (and still is) and also showed me how bad our marriage was.

As my A tore her to pieces, her RA did the same to me because I realized how little she had left invested in us.

So does it help? No. Ours was rapid fire, DDAY, RA weeks apart, and her RA was EA/PA whereas mine PA because I was shutout at home (I'll show you syndrome?)..

Nothing is fair or right about A's.

He is dealing with the emotions unresolved with your A, trying to understand why. Perhaps you need to be honest and discover why that happened - what truly lead you to even have that choice, and fix that problem.

Communication is key. I in retrospect realize this and will make it part of any future relationship be that with the current or future ones.


Posts: 5 | Registered: May 2013
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree him sharing is great and getting this out and in MC would be good for you two. Thing is my SO's EA started as him wanting revenge and to make it even between us. Suddenly he has this secret friendship with another woman with whom he feelings were more important then mine. I realized this when I asked him to go NC and he said he needed to explain it to her nicely. Does she know you have a g/f? Yes. Did you meet her off a craigslist sex ad? Yes. But she doesn't get why this would piss me off? Well she's just a friend...

I saw his wayward mentality developing when he kept mentioning RA. Then suddenly it was in front of me. Please address it now in MC, through talks with each other but do it and do it now. Don't let it progress in his mind. Maybe I am projecting but I'm scared for you.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2798 | Registered: Oct 2012
AdamsApple
39262
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 3 weeks from d-day. One of the hardest things I had to come to grips with is that there is no justice in this and there never will be. A BS really has only 2 reasonable choices, divorce or work it out and live with the injustice. Divorce was never an option for me.

During the time when I am feeling my worst I am tempted to make destructive choices, like a RA. The best advice I can give is to just get him to delay his destructive choices. You could tell him, "I understand that this is unfair to you and that it seems like something that would make you feel better. Please wait for awhile. Wait for a month [some time frame] while we work on this and then we can talk about it again."

This may keep him from destructive behavior while he is most angry and vulnerable and allow him to fantasize about future revenge and work through it internally. It may also tell him that you understand the injustice he feels and that his feelings are justified; and give the two of you time to work through this destructive phase. This is the way I would want my WW to handle it. Saying "no" would cause me to want to do the opposite, during one of my downward spirals. And saying "yes," would be wrong for a host of reasons. And do NOT tell him to keep you in the dark if he has an A. That would be the worst of all outcomes. I speak from experience on this.

FYI: I would never give the same advice for handling a WS. They can not have any thought of a possible future A in their mind at all.

[This message edited by AdamsApple at 3:21 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
heartbroken0903
♀ 27879
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best advice I can give is to just get him to delay his destructive choices. You could tell him, "I understand that this is unfair to you and that it seems like something that would make you feel better. Please wait for awhile. Wait for a month [some time frame] while we work on this and then we can talk about it again."

I strongly disagree with this. A WS is still entitled to have reasonable boundaries, one of which, most certainly, would be that it is not OK for the BS to add further adultery to the marriage. If they want an open marriage, OK. Otherwise? ....

FYI: I would never give the same advice for handling a WS. They can not have any thought of a possible future A in their mind at all.

I'd bet the odds of a successful reconciliation occurring are greatly lessened if EITHER spouse thinks it's healthy to have "any thought of a possible future A in their mind at all."

It is 100% reasonable and understandable for a spouse to feel that cheating is a dealbreaker. That goes for whichever letter is in front of the "S."

JMHO.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
AdamsApple
39262
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, May 16th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I strongly disagree with this. A WS is still entitled to have reasonable boundaries, one of which, most certainly, would be that it is not OK for the BS to add further adultery to the marriage.

I'm sorry Heartbroken, I don't think I was very clear. I don't think a BS should have a RA under any circumstances. That is why I stated it as being destructive. I am just saying that, as a BS, for some period of time after d-day my view is, "Who the hell are you to give me any rules. You broke the most sacred of rules and lied about it. You don't have any right to tell me what not to do. Whatever I do now is your fault and you deserve it." In this state of mind I didn't believe that my WS had any credibility or right to expect "reasonable boundaries."

So my point was to try to get the BS to put off rash decisions while they are in that destructive period of recovery. Heartbroken, you are speaking from the WS perspective. I'm telling what would work for me from a BS perspective.


Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 17th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you that these thoughts are very common for a BS to have. After dday it seems that a RA would be just the thing to make things "even." Any words from the WS sound like " Ok we are exclusive starting . . now!" " Do as I say, not as I do." These are hard thoughts for a BS to shake.

Most BS come to the conclusion on their own that it is not the right choice(is he here ? Maybe talking to some of the BHs would be useful to him).

Honestly the fact that he told you about leads me to believe this is more a cry for help or a "punishment-like" emotions his is having. If he was going to have a RA he probably would just do it and not tell you about it. I could be wrong, but usually it is an indirect way asking for reassurances or explanations of what it feels like to hurt somebody with an A. While painful for you these things are extremely beneficial to him in the place where he is at. He can see the remorse, pain, sadness you feel. It helps him believe that you are sorry and it won't happen again. Your BH may need to see that you suffer as much from your choices (or more) than he does. Mind you not as punishment but as a barometer of how scared you are to lose him and the M.

I know it is a hard spot for you to be in. Instead of trying to talk him out of it, try showing him how damaging this was for you to do. Share the shame, guilt and how far your self image has dropped. He is going to ride the roller coaster at times, but approaching it with humility, kindness and remorse will go much further that trying to talk him out of it. By explaining to him the consequences it leaves the decision with him and allows him to come to those same conclusion on his own. Therefore it was a decision he made himself that he can feel good about.

The longer term goal you both should have is restoring the "balance" that he seems to be seeking. There are many healthier ways to get there without going the RA route. Yes, nothing about this is fair to a BS, but sometimes a WS making amends to help heal the M can help a BS move beyond the stage they are stuck in. Put some effort into showing him why the M is one he would want to be in. Pursue him to flatter his ego. Praise him. Appreciate him. Do special things for him. Be the source of the validation and ego stroking that he is so desperately seeking. If he wants to have intimate experiences out of the norm, try exploring that together. Show him you are willing to provide him more than you did to OP. It really helps with the pride factor that haunts most BS (BHs are extra sensitive to this).

communicate, communicate, communicate. Trial and error. You may not always be 100% successful at everything you try, but the effort counts and gets noticed.

Sorry for the length.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, May 19th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, and I have to be honest, I think about other men a lot now. Before my WHs a, I was happy with our sex. I never wondered about others, never felt like I was missing out, now I do though. If I cheat on him it wouldn't be out of revenge, but for more of a selfish reason. I want to experience someone else. I also am still on the fence about R because WH s all I know and I wonder if being with someone else would give me perspective. If the situation presented itself, I can't say I wouldn't do it.

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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