Is this something he is feeling, or planning? I know my BW told me all sorts of things she was feeling 2 months out of Dday, none of which she was going to do. Maybe he is just expressing anger.
I can't figure out from your post how serious he is about these thoughts.
If he is serious, you do have a right to let him know that it is not ok with you. Him having a RA will not help anything or even the score. Ther are many in here that will back that statement up.
Separated transitioning to D
I know that I have had some of the same type of thoughts after finding out my wife's affair. They really are just thoughts though and not something that I would act on. I think for my case they come from being in a angry phase over it - sometimes I just want my wife to put herself in my shoes so that I know she really understands what she did to hurt me. I also think I question that if the roles were reversed and it was me that had the affair instead would she be offering me a chance at R like I am offering her.
If those are just his thoughts, thank him for sharing his feelings, tell him that you really don't want him to do that - you know how much pain it causes, say sorry for all the things you did to hurt him and thank him for giving you a second chance.
Can't help thinking if a revenge affair would put the pride back; make the BS feel more worthy. In reality, of course, its more fuel on the fire, solves nothing and generates a new source of pain for the relationship to deal with.
The biggest problem I feel is not a RA, which most people refer to, but an event years down the road, when an opportunity to cheat comes along. The affair has been pushed to the back of the BS's mind, but there is now a feeling of tacit permission to go ahead. After all your FWS did and its very exciting and tempting....
As I said not really about revenge, but more about letting go of self-restraint because of past adultery. This is the situation I think is likely to persist in your marriage and its up to his sense of morality and decency whether he follows through. Little you can do about it except reconcile as successfully as you can.
^^^ I think this is exactly what you should do. It is a great chance to start a communication about both of your feelings. Maybe bring it up this way in MC.
My A was a mistake and her RA just complicated things (and still is) and also showed me how bad our marriage was.
As my A tore her to pieces, her RA did the same to me because I realized how little she had left invested in us.
So does it help? No. Ours was rapid fire, DDAY, RA weeks apart, and her RA was EA/PA whereas mine PA because I was shutout at home (I'll show you syndrome?)..
Nothing is fair or right about A's.
He is dealing with the emotions unresolved with your A, trying to understand why. Perhaps you need to be honest and discover why that happened - what truly lead you to even have that choice, and fix that problem.
Communication is key. I in retrospect realize this and will make it part of any future relationship be that with the current or future ones.
I saw his wayward mentality developing when he kept mentioning RA. Then suddenly it was in front of me. Please address it now in MC, through talks with each other but do it and do it now. Don't let it progress in his mind. Maybe I am projecting but I'm scared for you.
During the time when I am feeling my worst I am tempted to make destructive choices, like a RA. The best advice I can give is to just get him to delay his destructive choices. You could tell him, "I understand that this is unfair to you and that it seems like something that would make you feel better. Please wait for awhile. Wait for a month [some time frame] while we work on this and then we can talk about it again."
This may keep him from destructive behavior while he is most angry and vulnerable and allow him to fantasize about future revenge and work through it internally. It may also tell him that you understand the injustice he feels and that his feelings are justified; and give the two of you time to work through this destructive phase. This is the way I would want my WW to handle it. Saying "no" would cause me to want to do the opposite, during one of my downward spirals. And saying "yes," would be wrong for a host of reasons. And do NOT tell him to keep you in the dark if he has an A. That would be the worst of all outcomes. I speak from experience on this.
FYI: I would never give the same advice for handling a WS. They can not have any thought of a possible future A in their mind at all.
[This message edited by AdamsApple at 3:21 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
The best advice I can give is to just get him to delay his destructive choices. You could tell him, "I understand that this is unfair to you and that it seems like something that would make you feel better. Please wait for awhile. Wait for a month [some time frame] while we work on this and then we can talk about it again."
I strongly disagree with this. A WS is still entitled to have reasonable boundaries, one of which, most certainly, would be that it is not OK for the BS to add further adultery to the marriage. If they want an open marriage, OK. Otherwise? ....
I'd bet the odds of a successful reconciliation occurring are greatly lessened if EITHER spouse thinks it's healthy to have "any thought of a possible future A in their mind at all."
It is 100% reasonable and understandable for a spouse to feel that cheating is a dealbreaker. That goes for whichever letter is in front of the "S."
Divorced from and remarried to XBH
First child (daughter) born February 2016
I strongly disagree with this. A WS is still entitled to have reasonable boundaries, one of which, most certainly, would be that it is not OK for the BS to add further adultery to the marriage.
I'm sorry Heartbroken, I don't think I was very clear. I don't think a BS should have a RA under any circumstances. That is why I stated it as being destructive. I am just saying that, as a BS, for some period of time after d-day my view is, "Who the hell are you to give me any rules. You broke the most sacred of rules and lied about it. You don't have any right to tell me what not to do. Whatever I do now is your fault and you deserve it." In this state of mind I didn't believe that my WS had any credibility or right to expect "reasonable boundaries."
So my point was to try to get the BS to put off rash decisions while they are in that destructive period of recovery. Heartbroken, you are speaking from the WS perspective. I'm telling what would work for me from a BS perspective.
Most BS come to the conclusion on their own that it is not the right choice(is he here ? Maybe talking to some of the BHs would be useful to him).
Honestly the fact that he told you about leads me to believe this is more a cry for help or a "punishment-like" emotions his is having. If he was going to have a RA he probably would just do it and not tell you about it. I could be wrong, but usually it is an indirect way asking for reassurances or explanations of what it feels like to hurt somebody with an A. While painful for you these things are extremely beneficial to him in the place where he is at. He can see the remorse, pain, sadness you feel. It helps him believe that you are sorry and it won't happen again. Your BH may need to see that you suffer as much from your choices (or more) than he does. Mind you not as punishment but as a barometer of how scared you are to lose him and the M.
I know it is a hard spot for you to be in. Instead of trying to talk him out of it, try showing him how damaging this was for you to do. Share the shame, guilt and how far your self image has dropped. He is going to ride the roller coaster at times, but approaching it with humility, kindness and remorse will go much further that trying to talk him out of it. By explaining to him the consequences it leaves the decision with him and allows him to come to those same conclusion on his own. Therefore it was a decision he made himself that he can feel good about.
The longer term goal you both should have is restoring the "balance" that he seems to be seeking. There are many healthier ways to get there without going the RA route. Yes, nothing about this is fair to a BS, but sometimes a WS making amends to help heal the M can help a BS move beyond the stage they are stuck in. Put some effort into showing him why the M is one he would want to be in. Pursue him to flatter his ego. Praise him. Appreciate him. Do special things for him. Be the source of the validation and ego stroking that he is so desperately seeking. If he wants to have intimate experiences out of the norm, try exploring that together. Show him you are willing to provide him more than you did to OP. It really helps with the pride factor that haunts most BS (BHs are extra sensitive to this).
communicate, communicate, communicate. Trial and error. You may not always be 100% successful at everything you try, but the effort counts and gets noticed.
Sorry for the length.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.