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When kids exhibit xws type behaviors

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Helen of Troy posted 5/16/2013 06:56 AM

What do you do?
Example:
"I won't have a conversation with you unless you stop the insults, swearing and verbal abuse" preteen continues to follow me around the house with loud dramatic crying and repeats same question over and over again. I have to work really hard at acting calm.

Another example: kid acts up for attention, says I don't give her enough attention. Sibling has some special needs right now temporarily. This reminds me of x having affairs if I did anything for myself or when he wasn't the center of my attention in the spotlight. He also even as an adult tried to get attention away from his adult brother when we visited his parents.

Example:
Kids say I "deserve" mistreatment when they're angry with me. Or I "provoked" them. Therapists seem to just blow this off or make excuses. How can I communicate this other than how what's already been said?
It's starting to concern me and frankly starting to cause me resentment and disconnection from them.

These behaviors are ones xwh exhibited. Are they permanently damaged thinking they treat me as he used to and that is ok to do?

damncutekitty posted 5/16/2013 09:33 AM

First, it's time to have a talk with the kids about how feelings are not facts. They have a right to feel... whatever they feel. But their feelings do not give them the right to act out or hurt people. This of course naturally leads to a discussion of how their behavior has consequences.

"I won't have a conversation with you unless you stop the insults, swearing and verbal abuse" preteen continues to follow me around the house with loud dramatic crying and repeats same question over and over again. I have to work really hard at acting calm.

Do not take this kind of behavior. Tell her to go to her room until she calms down. Extend her grounding by a day for every time you have to ask her to go to her room. Don't back down. I grew up in a house with a sister who acted like that. It was a nightmare.

Kajem posted 5/16/2013 12:16 PM

Persistent little buggers aren't they?

I don't know if this will help you:
My kids therapist had me look at their behaviors a bit differently They were normal teen behaviors

My X was the one acting like a teenager/toddler and not his age.

I found it easier to deal with them when I was thinking this is a NORMAL stage of development for them. When I was thinking I had a mini -PDXH on my hands, I was beside myself. Chastising all of my parenting up till that point. And taking the focus off them to X. I needed to stay focused on the kid.. and knowing that this was close to normal for teens helped me to deal with it.

Doesn't mean you let it continue, But I am willing to bet there are suggestions listed on a parenting teens site or 50 that have suggestions on dealing with this behavior in teens. Therapist told me that they will revert to what worked when they were little to get what they want. This held true with all of my kids (varying degrees) If one yelled and thru a temper tantrum.. she yelled and thru a bigger temper tantrum. One DD would do her best to wear me down so that I would say yes just to get her to shut up about it... it was 20 times worse as a teen.

having the therapist tell me this... helped me to have more patience and to stand my ground.

Hugs,

K

Crescita posted 5/16/2013 13:01 PM

I think Kajem might be on to something. I read something once when researching NPD, that said people go through narcissistic phases as toddlers and teens. It's a healthy narcissism for tough transitional times and they will out grow it, but if something traumatic happens in a narcissistic phase they can get stuck and end up NPD.

Josephine01 posted 5/16/2013 13:07 PM

I also believe Kajem has the right Idea.

Helen of Troy posted 5/16/2013 13:15 PM

Kajem, your reply very helpful. Thank you for that. It's helped me reframe.

Kajem posted 5/16/2013 20:34 PM

Aww thanks everyone.

I'm glad I was able to offer some help.

Hugs,

K

LadyQ posted 5/16/2013 20:37 PM

I agree. I don't think the kids are exhibiting WS behavior. They're just being kids. The WS seems to exhibit childish/selfish teenage behaviors...

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