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somedude posted 5/16/2013 08:24 AM

I never dreamed I’d be here. I know, neither did you. I married the girl of my dreams 12 years ago. I thought our marriage was amazing, so did everyone that knew us. We often got told by people that we were such a great example of an awesome marriage. We had a great friendship and sex life. We had fun together. We have two amazing kids, and a beautiful home. There was a period of time where I was really busy with work, and I guess that played into it, but overall we had and have, a great marriage. 9 months ago my world fell apart.

My wife came to me and admitted to a 3 year EA that included 2 make out sessions. I felt sick, I couldn’t breathe, and I lost it. This took place from 2009-2011. The physical part was in 2009. (although there was hand holding and occasional hugs throughout, it only went beyond that on two occasions in 2010). There was no sex or clothes taken off, just kissing and he did touch her butt over her clothes as they were making out. One of the worst parts is that the guy was (I thought) a good friend of mine. Our families hung out together and our kids were best friends. They moved in 2010, across the country but the EA kept up until my wife broke it off completely in November of 2011.

Dday was Sep 6th 2012. She came to me and said “I have to tell you something. I lied about my relationship with OM.” I had asked her in the past if their friendship was pushing boundaries, and she always said no. I asked her one time after I saw a text with some things that were questionable- she was having a hard day once and I asked a few friends to cheer her up, since I was out of town. He was one of the ones I asked (oh the irony). His text was really encouraging but also told her she was “beautiful, smart, funny and sexy” When I confronted her with it she said he was just trying to cheer her up, and if she thought it was bad she would have erased it. I believed her. Kinda. It always nagged at me a little.

When she came to me in tears and confessed, she told me everything, owned it and begged me to forgive her. She answered my questions over and over, and did anything she thought would make me feel better or help. No TT or anything. The first few weeks were rough. I lost weight, didn’t seep much and had breakdowns regularly that ranged from extreme anger to depressive hopelessness. Slowly it got better. I recognized things I’d done to make what happened easier (not my fault, but easier to end up where things did) She called the guy while I was listening on speaker phone and apologized for her part in it, and told him how it disgusted her to think of it, and that she regretted ever meeting or becoming friends with him. She also told him that she didn’t want to have contact with him (even though she had done this without saying for months already- I checked phone records). He called me a few minutes later and told me how sorry he was for everything and asked me to forgive him.

Things slowly got better. We had HB, flare ups and more questioning, but through it all, she did whatever she could to help. Everything is going good, we are in R, and have enjoyed our relationship more in the past few months than we have in years. My only problem is this. How do you deal with the triggers? Some things are unavoidable and every time they come up, I am triggered and remember what happened. I also think about the A on and off throughout every day, does this get better? Do you ever have days where it hardly comes to mind? I just want to be back to normal as much as possible, and not think about the A all the time. I also wonder if I will ever completely trust her again? I don’t want to check her phone and email, but I still do at times, if for no other reason than to shut the thoughts in my head up.

Thanks so much for this place, I have found a lot of help just reading others experiences and advice!

[This message edited by somedude at 12:43 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

somedude posted 5/16/2013 10:22 AM

Anyone? Do you think I got the whole truth?

annb posted 5/16/2013 10:32 AM

Hi, somedude, welcome to SI.

Have you checked out the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? Chock full of information, and knowledge is power.

Do you think I got the whole truth?

Gently, no.

There was no sex or clothes taken off, just kissing and he did touch her butt over her clothes as they were making out.

^^Unfortunately, too many of us here heard the same line. In my situation, they said they only kissed in the car. Turns out OW met my WH at his hotel.

I am going to bump up two threads to the top of this Just Found Out forum, one called Tactical Primer, the other Before You Can Say Reconcile.

There is always hope, but it must come with a completely TRANSPARENT spouse, willing to give you access to everything including accountability for her time. The consensus here is it takes 2-5 years to work through infidelity. Much of the burden lies on your spouse, she chose to cheat, she must do everything in her power to help heal the marriage, 200% commitment.

Others will be along shortly, but know you are not alone in this journey, you are really at the beginning stages of this emtional roller coaster....buckle up, it's going to be a long journey, but there are many who do make it to the end and happy again.

ETA: BTW, don't ever accept any blame for her actions, ever.

[This message edited by annb at 10:32 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

5yrsout posted 5/16/2013 10:37 AM

What does your gut tell you? If you suspect there is more, I am afraid there most likely is...

Very few (if any) waywards confess all without minimizing, protecting themselves in the name of not wanting to hurt you too much more.

Did she tell you why (supposedly a year after it had ended and the other couple moving away) she confessed in 2012???

I find that HIGHLY suspicious and makes me wonder if something else was starting to happen... I don't want to upset you - but it is NOT uncommon for there to be more than a single affair (Emotional or otherwise.)

I will caution you, if you doubt her story, which I think you do because otherwise why would you even ask our opinions... YOU MUST GET THE TRUTH.

I am one who NEVER received the truth from my WH. Seven years have gone by and my soul is crushed and the A still eats away at me.

Good luck - you're in good hands here. Read, read, read and, most importantly, when you read something that makes you go hmmmm.... FOLLOW YOUR GUT.


5454real posted 5/16/2013 10:42 AM

Only have a minute. Given all that you have said, think about all the time they had to be alone together. Is it really feasible that they stopped where she said? What in the world would have prevented it from going further.

All WS's lie. It's been proven through the affair. IMO(in my opinion) there is more to the story and in her eyes, either is too ashamed to tell or deliberately hiding it. Either situation is unacceptable.

In the healing library (upper left hand corner) is an article entitled Joseph's Letter. I HIGHLY suggest you read it and print off a copy for her.(Don't reveal SI to her at this point, it's a place of safety for you). Great read for her and the reasons you need honesty.

Oh, btw(by the way), welcome to the best club no-one ever wanted to join. Sad that you are here, but oh so happy you found us!


[This message edited by 5454real at 10:44 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

somedude posted 5/16/2013 11:52 AM

Thanks for the responses. It sucks. Honestly never dreamed this would happen. To answer a few questions, my gut says she told me the truth, but every now and then I wonder. (especially when reading on here about how often minimizing takes place) the reason she came to me and told me when she did, was she said she couldn't live with herself and the guilt she feels. She had decided to never tell but couldnt do it. I do know that she cut contact off with him prior to telling me. When I talked to him, what he said matched pretty much what she said (no verbatim, but perspective differences only) I did a restore of her old phone to an old back up and found all their texts for a year. Mostly just friendly talk, and anything other than that was from him, her response was only "thanks". The last time she saw him he tried to kiss her and she pulled away. When she talked to him (i listened on speaker, he had no clue i was there) he actually mentioned that he was sorry for attempting to continue kissing her after she told him no more... Ugh I guess this is part of the pain, how do you ever FULLY know without destroying the trust and good will that's been built back up in the past 9 months... Ef infidelity. It sucks.

[This message edited by somedude at 1:31 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

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