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Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 08:48 AM

I am such a fool. That is all I can say. I put my heart back out there for wh and he crushed it again. When will I learn that he doesn't know how to love. I am just a tool for him I guess.

My heart is shattered and I am so sad. But, I maybe I knew this all along and have to come to grips that his love for me has limits. I can never say how I feel because he runs away and ends it.

Glad I didn't move home like I was suppose to. Wow damn him.

lieshurt posted 5/16/2013 08:49 AM

(((hugs)))

ButterflyGirl posted 5/16/2013 08:56 AM

Hugs from me too..

FTG..

Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 09:01 AM

Thanks guys,
I really thought we were R. I did not know if I said stuff out of being hurt that he would lash out and end it with me.

I feel like I am spinning. All I said was how things make me feel. And now he will not talk to me and basically I am the bad person again all because I was protecting myself. We both said things out of anger but I get the punshiment for it.

I don't understand people like that. I was forgiving me for things he did to me but I guess I am not worth shit to him.

ButterflyGirl posted 5/16/2013 09:14 AM

I must say I admire your strength. It certainly sucks that he isn't remorseful, but I'm glad you didn't move back home either. You aren't putting up with his bullshit or rugsweeping the affair or letting him waltz back in without doing the real work.

If he can't handle your feelings of being hurt, fuck him.. I know it hurts, but you are much better off without him. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and protecting yourself first.

nutmegkitty posted 5/16/2013 09:18 AM

I'm sorry honey.
You've been through so much.

(((hugs F w/L)))

Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 09:37 AM

Thanks again. I am hate that I was a balling snotty mess last night. I was fustrated that he just ingorned and told me to take time to myself and he heard all that he needed to hear.

I mean come on. I told how much I loved him and want to be back home but didn't feel safe, and I needed that from him. Then we started fighting about money, insurance, and it pissed me off because I spend way more because I am always at the store, buying things for son, I just do it so that is my fault there. Then it went from that to me paying him half insurance because it comes out of his check and I said I have been but you know you never paid me when I had our insurance for 10 years. It was just a given because I had the insurance. Boy, that sparked a fire.
Then he said he was not commited 100% to us or the marriage and he is STILL working on him. I said well then there is no us I guess cause I can't do this alone. Then he went on about his mom, and how she will be the only woman in his life and basically I don't know what it is like to lose a parent.
I said well I know that is painful but what you did to me way worse than death. I guess I hit a nerve there also. I didn't listen to his pain over his mom. There is no excuse for being like that to him but he made me feel like I have no place in his life. I will always be a step back from his mom, and not worth being the woman in his life.

I am stuggling but I will be okay. I have all of you and I need to get back up and brush myself off. I will not let this ruin me.

Just sad and that is okay.. Right?

Nature_Girl posted 5/16/2013 10:04 AM

((((HUGS))))

Although humans need hope in order to find the will to live another day, at times hope causes even more pain because we learn it's false hope. I'm so sorry you're back. Keep talking here, we're listening.

Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 11:34 AM

I'm sp fustrated at all this. Why is always about what I say or do? How come he never looks at his faults?
I am not perfect
I tried to be for him.

Why could he not see the pain even when I would tell him.

Dadtryingtocope posted 5/16/2013 11:40 AM

Sorry you are back. Many great people here for you. We want to help you to a better place. Stay strong and keep asking questions. A lot of us have the same feelings, issues, conflicts, etc. as you. It is a hard road but we will help you get there. It does you no good to express your feelings to him. He will use them against you. It happened to all of us. I'm sure others here will tell you, go no contact and start taking care of you and your son.

Jrazz posted 5/16/2013 11:52 AM

(((Faithful w/Love)))

I'm so sorry.

You shouldn't have to try and be perfect for anyone. You're great just as you are.

More hugs.

nowiknow23 posted 5/16/2013 11:56 AM

((((FwL)))) I am so very sorry, honey.

Ashland13 posted 5/16/2013 12:49 PM

I'm sorry, too.

For what it's worth, I will chime in and say that STBXH in this situation did the same exact things as WH. Like a mirror.

What' I've been told in counseling advice and my lawyer said this too...is that they think STBXH/Perv did/does this to deflect attention away from himslef and onto me.

So maybe your H/WH is trying to make things he did or about your M all about you and remove himself from the limelight?

And in many ways, it's shame on them because you are already down and it's just being made worse.

For what it's worth, all I could do for self-protection was to work really hard on no contact, even though, for a time, I will admit that it was like an addiction. Because there was no notice.

I wish you well and some moments of clarity and peace.

Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 12:55 PM

Thank you. You are right about the taking the limelight off of him.

I need to stop trying because I am breaking myself.

He doesn't love me the way I need to be love which is so simple. Protect me, honor me, respect me, be kind and open with me.

Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 13:11 PM

Why is everything twisted back on me? Why do I feel guilty? Maybe I should not have said what I said. Why is he punshing me like this? I never have done anything horrible to him.

PLEASE HELP me understand this pain. Tell me in a few days it will get better and easier.

Why did I believe him about me coming home and our future? All the promises, he just told me the other day how much he loves me and talking about the house and changing it up. The garden I wanted. I want to puke. All this time was a lie.

Phoenix1 posted 5/16/2013 14:24 PM

I am just a tool for him I guess.

Just to clarify, HE'S the TOOL, not you...

If you are like me you will keep trying to understand "why" and you will keep running into brick walls. These fuck sticks either don't really know themselves or they are so afraid of admitting how big of a-holes they were that they refuse to acknowledge their actions. My POS tries to make me the bad guy, and now that I am asking hard questions about secret assets in the marriage, he is getting even more pissed off, like I am the one who did all these horrendous things to destroy the M and family. There simply is no answer to the "why" and you will drive yourself crazy looking for it...

Time to move on for yourself...

wildbananas posted 5/16/2013 14:33 PM

Why is everything twisted back on me? Why do I feel guilty?

Because that's what people like this do... turn it around on you so they can look and/or feel better.

It will get easier... I promise.

(((((Faithful)))))

Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 15:00 PM

I am in tears at work. OMG, he wants me to still help with the modification of the house and then sign a quick deed when it is done. WTF?

Oh and he said he is not going back to the same old shit with u.

Can I say I am CRUSHED. I would never do this to him.

Nature_Girl posted 5/16/2013 15:31 PM

You have to surrender getting the answers to your many whys. Yes, your questions are legitimate. However, it isn't possible for you to understand why.

The only way to get out of this hell is to give up "needing" the answers. You don't need those answers. They would be nice to have, but they aren't actual needs. Let it go. Believe me, I and everyone else here completely understands the burning desire to know why, to understand, to make the WS comprehend what they've done. But it's a fool's errand. Or worse, it's a Sisyphean task.

You have to surrender.

Faithful w/Love posted 5/16/2013 15:35 PM

I'm trying to surrender but when I keep getting screwed over it is a bitter pill.

I know you all understnd that is why I am here venting and crying.

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