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Ok, so it's been since April 15 for official NC but today I am backsliding? WHY???
Looking online for him...actually set up a fake email and then deleted it 20 minutes later.
Someone please talk some sense into me!!!

Have you told your BS?
Why do you think you decided to look for your xAP and take it several steps further?

Good on you for deleting the fake email and coming here. Stay strong, that shit isn't worth it! It's just not worth it!!!

Is there a difference between NC and official NC?

If you have sense enough to ask the question then you should have sense enough to start to ask the next why. The answer to the first why is you are still trying to feed the beast the old fashion way. Why is that?

Still - No I haven't told BS yet. I seriously deleted the email account and then came straight here. I know it's not worth it.

HL - I think it's b/c this week has been hard on me (work and home) and AP was my escape. I actually cried Tuesday missing him and it surprised and startled me. I thought I was past that.

I did think it thru and realized that it was just to escape and that I can't escape what I fear/dislike/hurt. I have to learn how to deal with these emotions in a healthy way.

I have an IC appointment this afternoon....

bookjunkie, you've talked to your husband about being in withdrawal. Keep talking.

Contact with xAP was a drug, and I'm in recovery too. If you make it through today, give yourself a 30-day chip. Then set a goal to get a 60-day chip.

You poured the shot of whiskey and then dumped it down the sink. Hang in there.

And I think I'm really missing that "high" that I would get from the AP.

It is just like pouring the whiskey down the drain.

I started to record a pattern of when my thoughts ran to xAP and sure enough it was when I was stressed, worried and anxious about something. He being my "drug" would make it all better and it was a hit. I remember times when I wouldn't get my hit in the form of an sms or email or phonecall that I would literally start getting irritable and edgy. Couldn't concentrate and became increasingly anxious until the "hit" came.

IT WAS AN ADDICTION. What's helping me enormously is this site. I come here all the time and focus on me and my BH. Someone on SI told me I shouldn't wait patiently for the thoughts to naturally go away. I have to ACTIVELY do something about it. Be conscious.

For example the alcoholic needs to stay away from bars. Cut off with friends that drink, remove all alcohol from his home and continue going to AA.

Similarly we have to stay away from xAP online, cut out any mutual friends/contexts, remove all triggers from our lives and continue coming to SI regularly.

Someone on SI said "just don't think about it". I remember at the time thinking, well if it was that easy I wouldn't. Then I thought about it, actually I CAN control it. If he comes into my mind I at that moment have the choice of indulging further thoughts or diverting my thoughts or having self-talk of "get the fuck out, you're not welcome here".

I guess what I'm saying is if we MAKE ourselves MINDFULLY do these things, hopefully over time they will become automatic.

Don't know if I'm making much sense?

One suggestion is to start focussing on what is going well in your life right now. For me that has been helping along with putting things in persepctive.

Trying- Thanks for your post. I have been trying to be mindful of my thoughts and most of the time succeed at it. I think this week has just been more stressful and we have some major changes coming at my job that are making me anxious.

I talked to my H last night and cried. And he told me to go ahead and cry and let it all out. He held me the entire time.

I have to remind myself that the xAP could never be there for me like that and probably wouldn't. He's isn't a very nice person...he was just nice to me during the A.

Thank for posting this! You've made me realize I'm not alone. I have backslidden. I made contact with my AP. BS found out about it. Stay strong. You can get through this! It is truly no worth it!