The emotional roller coaster is very painful, esp. at one month out.
Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.
What is she doing to prove to you this will never happen again, that she understands what led her down the path to destruction, and her willingness to devote 200% to the marriage? Complete transparency and accountability.
Many WS blame the BS "initially" until they truly get that no one held a gun to their head to cheat. She owns her own actions, you own your own problems in the marriage, she made a horrible choice...she had other options.
Lean on a TRUSTED friend or family member, post here often, and read, read, read. Purchase the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair (only about 100 pages). Insist she read it.
Are you/she in counseling?
I too am in immense pain today. Seriously thinking of packing a bag,getting in my car driving til I find some new scenery.
Hope you find some peace today
(((hih)))
I know how hard it is to hear all of that, to be blamed for her actions. It's blameshifting in it's purist form. You did nothing wrong. No marriage is perfect. But she owns her affair 100%. She was the one that made that decision to break her vows, not you. Instead of being an adult and discussing what problems she had she chose to cheat. Now, she needs to put all her effort in to saving the marriage. A marriage can only be saved if BOTH people work hard at it.
(((HUGS)))
She is frustrated and guilty. No she ain't makin it easy.
As long as she isn't remorseful, she won't. She is showing you regret, but not remorse. Without remorse, you cannot reconcile, nor can you heal.
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
If you want to keep them for potential evidence (not a bad thing) Then save them to a hard drive or external device. But get them off your computer. Stop reading them. Stop reading them. Stop reading them.
I did that too. I had hundreds of emails to peruse. Re-reading them won't shed new insight, it won't clear up the picture, all it will do is hurt you more. I know...I used to wallow in them.
As far remorse. Sometimes it takes a wayward a while to pull their head out and get it. My wife spent a lot of time wallowing in her guilt and shame--which admittedly was pretty overwhelming for her. It's a messed up situation. You are dying inside, they can be consumed by shame and guilt. But we expect them to put that aside and focus on healing us. Tough stuff. (I do agree with the above posters about what remorse is)
Remember, your wife can't read your mind. My wife used to ask me over and over what remorse was. My response was the same as yours. "You figure it out" O.k. true. But we as BS's still have to communicate to them what we need. What helps us, what hurts us. How we are feeling about their reactions.
We need to communicate why their lame "I'm sorry" apology sucked ass. Just saying "your apology sucks" (I did this a lot) doesn't teach a poor communicator how to express their feelings better.
It's a process. A shitty painful process. And no, blaming you for her affair is not o.k. But, she's been doing that throughout the course of her affair, so she's used to it. Most people involved in an affair have to justify it, they do that by blaming the spouse. Most likely she's been doing that for a while. It's a tough mindset to get out of. If she ever finds remorse...she'll stop that shit.
[This message edited by wonderboy at 12:25 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
I too had emails and read and re-read them over and over until I could recited them verse by verse. I was looking for answers. WHY? HOW? WHEN?
I still have them but I have moved them to a place where I have to GO and get them vs. them being instantly available.
I understand your need to read them, I do. I also know that after 19 months of a bumpy R - all my re-reading was just me torturing myself.
It was like going to the refrigerator when you are hungry - opening it up - not seeing anything you like - closing it - and then going back again 5 minutes later hoping to see if you missed something or if there is something else there.
You weight loss is what I called the devastation diet. And yes, great you lost weight. Horrible way to do it. Insult to injury when people start to notice and tell you "how great you look" when you feel so terrible. I am sorry (((heavy sigh)))
Is your wife at all open to IC? Before either of you can truly address this and move forward you she needs to understand HOW she allowed herself to make this choice and what she is going to do to ensure it NEVER happens again. Once that light bulb comes on then the remorse may follow.
Hang in there.
The roller coaster is hell, but after 9 months on the ride, I'm beginning to anticipate some of the drops and dark tunnels, and that makes them easier to deal with. Praying for you.
