SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

hurtininHouston posted 5/16/2013 11:17 AM

It has been over a month. Ups and downs. Trying to R but it is hard. Had a blowout on Mothers day. My WW got tipsy and wanted to say the A was partly my fault and problems we had. I lost it. Her trying to blame me to make herself feel better. It is so hard to get it out of my mind. Unfortunately I have the texts on my computer and they remind me everyday what she did whether I look at them or not. Yesterday I looked at the for the first time in a couple weeks. Maybe that's why I sit here with a pain in the middle of my chest and am so upset. Can't even think of what will happen if this doesn't make it. Kids, house, living conditions. Lord give me the strength to get through this. I know I will. But goddamn if it ain't gonna be without a lot of heartache. A's suck. They just friggin suck. For her to take the rest of our lives for a little self gratification. To make her feel a little better. To make her forget reality for a little while. My image of us being old is so gosh darn blurry now. ........
I feel like shit!

annb posted 5/16/2013 11:31 AM

((((Hurtin)))))

The emotional roller coaster is very painful, esp. at one month out.

Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.

What is she doing to prove to you this will never happen again, that she understands what led her down the path to destruction, and her willingness to devote 200% to the marriage? Complete transparency and accountability.

Many WS blame the BS "initially" until they truly get that no one held a gun to their head to cheat. She owns her own actions, you own your own problems in the marriage, she made a horrible choice...she had other options.

Lean on a TRUSTED friend or family member, post here often, and read, read, read. Purchase the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair (only about 100 pages). Insist she read it.

Are you/she in counseling?

madsadalone posted 5/16/2013 11:33 AM

((((Houstan))

I too am in immense pain today. Seriously thinking of packing a bag,getting in my car driving til I find some new scenery.

Hope you find some peace today

27yearsnowlost posted 5/16/2013 11:36 AM

I will join you on hurting today. It is 10 week this morning that I found out about my WH having oral sex with someone he hired off of Craigslist. He tried the blame game too. I am on this damn roller coaster and want to get off! I never felt this much pain in my life. I was totally blind sided after be with him for 28 years. It sucks! I don't eat or sleep.

lieshurt posted 5/16/2013 11:36 AM

Ditto Annb

(((hih)))

hurtininHouston posted 5/16/2013 11:42 AM

Tell Mahatma Ghandi I guess I am giving someone permission to hurt me. My chest just is so tired of having that painful lump. None of my clothes fit anymore. I look like frump. Not a bad thing. At the healthiest weight I have been in 10 years. One way to find a bright side....(slight laugh). Very slight. She just doesn't get it. She has been transparent. She works too much not to be. She is frustrated and guilty. No she ain't makin it easy.

simplydevastated posted 5/16/2013 11:46 AM

These ups and downs are the new "normal" for the BS's. I'm sorry you're hurting today.

I know how hard it is to hear all of that, to be blamed for her actions. It's blameshifting in it's purist form. You did nothing wrong. No marriage is perfect. But she owns her affair 100%. She was the one that made that decision to break her vows, not you. Instead of being an adult and discussing what problems she had she chose to cheat. Now, she needs to put all her effort in to saving the marriage. A marriage can only be saved if BOTH people work hard at it.

(((HUGS)))

lieshurt posted 5/16/2013 11:47 AM

She is frustrated and guilty. No she ain't makin it easy.

As long as she isn't remorseful, she won't. She is showing you regret, but not remorse. Without remorse, you cannot reconcile, nor can you heal.

hurtininHouston posted 5/16/2013 11:51 AM

I agree. Regret not remorse.
I know I could show remorse. She keeps asking, what am I suppose to show. What is remorse. All I can say is you need to find out. I am not gonna tell you.
So what is remorse. How do you feel it is shown. Just some thoughts.

lieshurt posted 5/16/2013 11:54 AM

For me, it's when they are proactive. They don't wait for the BS to do everything. They do the work, the research, find the counselor, hold you when you need them to, apologize for the specific things they've done, open their email/phone without having to be asked, answer questions without being defensive, etc....

Brokenheart777 posted 5/16/2013 12:04 PM

I feel for you Houston. I'm sorry you are hurting. Wishing you strength.

madsadalone posted 5/16/2013 12:05 PM

Very well put Lieshurt!

confused615 posted 5/16/2013 12:14 PM

True remorse is all about the BS..doing what they can do to make sure we feel safe,doing what they should be doing to rebuild trust,being open,honest,transparent,and willing to answer any and all questions. True remorse lasts forever.

simplydevastated posted 5/16/2013 12:20 PM

I think lieshurt and confused615 nailed it with regards to remorse.

madsadalone posted 5/16/2013 12:23 PM

Agreed.

SuperDuperWonderboy posted 5/16/2013 12:24 PM

Hurtin. My opinion: Take the texts and emails that are on your computer and GET THEM OFF YOUR COMPUTER.

If you want to keep them for potential evidence (not a bad thing) Then save them to a hard drive or external device. But get them off your computer. Stop reading them. Stop reading them. Stop reading them.

I did that too. I had hundreds of emails to peruse. Re-reading them won't shed new insight, it won't clear up the picture, all it will do is hurt you more. I know...I used to wallow in them.

As far remorse. Sometimes it takes a wayward a while to pull their head out and get it. My wife spent a lot of time wallowing in her guilt and shame--which admittedly was pretty overwhelming for her. It's a messed up situation. You are dying inside, they can be consumed by shame and guilt. But we expect them to put that aside and focus on healing us. Tough stuff. (I do agree with the above posters about what remorse is)

Remember, your wife can't read your mind. My wife used to ask me over and over what remorse was. My response was the same as yours. "You figure it out" O.k. true. But we as BS's still have to communicate to them what we need. What helps us, what hurts us. How we are feeling about their reactions.

We need to communicate why their lame "I'm sorry" apology sucked ass. Just saying "your apology sucks" (I did this a lot) doesn't teach a poor communicator how to express their feelings better.

It's a process. A shitty painful process. And no, blaming you for her affair is not o.k. But, she's been doing that throughout the course of her affair, so she's used to it. Most people involved in an affair have to justify it, they do that by blaming the spouse. Most likely she's been doing that for a while. It's a tough mindset to get out of. If she ever finds remorse...she'll stop that shit.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 12:25 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

mommy1013 posted 5/16/2013 12:36 PM

From experience you will have many days like these. It has been 9 months since I found out about my H cheating. It hurts less and sometimes I don't think about it but there comes days when I think I've finally accepted it and I can deal with it, then it hits me again and I feel the pain all over again. I ask myself all these questions and even

mommy1013 posted 5/16/2013 12:38 PM

though I've had answers I am not satisfied. All I can say is hang in there and hope things get better. we are all here with similar situations and totally understand you pain

1Faith posted 5/16/2013 14:35 PM

Hurting

I too had emails and read and re-read them over and over until I could recited them verse by verse. I was looking for answers. WHY? HOW? WHEN?

I still have them but I have moved them to a place where I have to GO and get them vs. them being instantly available.

I understand your need to read them, I do. I also know that after 19 months of a bumpy R - all my re-reading was just me torturing myself.

It was like going to the refrigerator when you are hungry - opening it up - not seeing anything you like - closing it - and then going back again 5 minutes later hoping to see if you missed something or if there is something else there.

You weight loss is what I called the devastation diet. And yes, great you lost weight. Horrible way to do it. Insult to injury when people start to notice and tell you "how great you look" when you feel so terrible. I am sorry (((heavy sigh)))

Is your wife at all open to IC? Before either of you can truly address this and move forward you she needs to understand HOW she allowed herself to make this choice and what she is going to do to ensure it NEVER happens again. Once that light bulb comes on then the remorse may follow.

Hang in there.

somedude posted 5/16/2013 15:03 PM

I am so sorry for you bro. (((( side hugs. It does get better. I would advise not re-reading things over and over. You already know what it says, all you are doing is torturing yourself. I know this from experience. I am 9 months out and finally got rid of the texts the other day. Honestly I panicked a little right after, but now am thankful that I did.

The roller coaster is hell, but after 9 months on the ride, I'm beginning to anticipate some of the drops and dark tunnels, and that makes them easier to deal with. Praying for you.