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Fightingspirit posted 5/16/2013 11:30 AM

I sent a text last night forgiving the ex.

I've been reading about and thinking about forgiving for the last 10 months or so. From the beginning I completely got how forgiving is more for you than the person you are forgiving. But I just couldn't get there.

Last night I was doing my forgiveness research again. I still couldn't imagine saying the words to him. Then I read a blog about a woman who called her ex and simply said I forgive you for cheating and lying. That's it. She explained how changed she felt afterwards.

I was a bit envious because I am tired of living in the past with triggers and waves of anger, sadness and lack of confidence that come and go unexpectedly. I wanted post-forgiveness bliss.

So I decided just for practice to write my forgiveness speech. Making it simple just like the woman in the blog. I came up with...

I forgive you for lying to me, cheating on me, abandoning me and making me look and feel like a fool.

It took me all of 10 seconds to write this and after I was done, there was nothing left to say. This short sentence summed up everything that I've been feeling and everything that I wanted to communicate to him with my angry thoughts and remarks. It is everything that I wanted him to feel sorry about. Now I've said it out loud (okay over text message) and I don't feel that I need to say it or experience it again. This message felt so complete and honest that I felt like I needed to send it, right then and there. So I did.

I can't say that I am feeling post-forgiveness bliss. But I immediately stopped feeling the need to relive all the moments of my past marriage and betrayals. Some part of me wonders if the text message was pre-mature--hence the lack of bliss. However,I do feel a positive difference. I finally feel like I can move on, truly move on.

Has anyone else told their WS that they forgive them?

[This message edited by Fightingspirit at 11:32 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

Williesmom posted 5/16/2013 11:44 AM

No. I will never forgive him or MOW for what they did. IMHO, forgiveness is earned, merited, and then given.

If it brings you peace to forgive him, great.

My life is so awesome that he occupies no space in it, but I still hope he dies a slow and painful death.

Survivor3512 posted 5/16/2013 11:45 AM

I have forgiven my x, and I told him so. In my case, it has helped me to let go and move on. Just know that forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. You will still feel the hurt and sadness. But, if you forgive, then you are simply making the choice to not let the past rule you any longer. And that is what new beginnings are all about.

Fightingspirit posted 5/16/2013 11:49 AM

Williesmom, I thought the same thing. I was waiting for him to earn forgiveness. But I realize now I have no control over him fixing his issues. He may never fix himself. And even if he did, I'm not sure he'd be able to convince me that he is now a decent person.

In the meantime, without forgiveness I imagine I would still be suffering.

Fightingspirit posted 5/16/2013 11:51 AM

Thank you Survivor3512. I'm glad that you said forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling. I certainly feel like I made a good choice.

I'd been hoping for a blissful feeling---but that isn't what its all about really. I imagine the bliss is my living the rest of my life unencumbered by the past.

hurtbs posted 5/16/2013 11:51 AM

I don't know that I will ever forgive ex, but I know that I am done with it. That it is behind me (for the most part). I don't wake up every day with seething hatred. Most of the time I don't think of him ata ll.

Survivor3512 posted 5/16/2013 11:54 AM

Fighting spirit- I just saw this as a post on a friends FB page and I think it sums it up perfectly.

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart."

Williesmom- I would never say forgiveness is for everyone. And I do think it's possible to move on without it. But, for me, it was something I wanted to do. I think it's different for each person and situation.

GabyBaby posted 5/16/2013 11:56 AM

I've accepted what XWH did, but I will never forgive him for it.
The acceptance allows me to move forward with my life and not dwell on his ugliness on a daily basis. I'm happy, but I know he never will be.

ETA:
By accepting what XWH I mean I accept that those actions happened. I am not OK that they happened, I just acknowledged the facts and have moved on.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 5:23 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

broken2 posted 5/16/2013 13:08 PM

I will never forgive my ex for doing what he did,... at least I would never tell HIM that he is forgiven. I have work yet to do to be able to get to the place where I forgive him, but then I do I will never, NEVER, EVER let him know this. In his demented selfish mind he did no wrong, not to me, not to the little brokens or to the rest of the family. He truly IS a very sick, sick man.

I realize that in order for me to truly go forward, I need to forgive, but like I said I am not there yet. Perhaps someday,.......

lonelylost posted 5/16/2013 14:13 PM

I did forgive my WXH and I told him via text as well.

And as you, I was waiting for that sublime peace feeling wash over me and it didn't happen....that day...but it did happen a few weeks later.

I knew I had to forgive him, it is rooted in my faith. I didn't have the power to do it on my own though, but prayed and asked God to help me. He did.

Realizations started to come, nothing I didn't know before, but this time I was able to see it more clearly...without my anger glasses on. Like the fact that my WXH is a carbon copy of his father and brother. Being wayward is all they know. It's like they're constantly trying to feel good about themselves by getting validation from anything with boobs and easily spreadable legs. The thing is, they can't even see it! They don't even know they're broken!

As a result I'm not going back and forth from present to in the past in my mind. I've even had a few days in a row where I didn't think about X at all. I'm more able to focus on my future.

I'm not saying I don't have down days, but I do feel much better.

X never acknowledged my text. No "thanks" or "whatever" or "your crazy"....nothing. I kind of expected that. But in the end it doesn't matter, I'm free. My mind is clear. I'm moving on.

I suspect that you too will now be able to move on. :)

InnerLight posted 5/16/2013 14:51 PM

I don't see the point in telling XH that I forgive him. We are not in touch and living our own lives. I think forgiveness is valuable for freeing myself mentally and emotionally for resentment I carry. I find I have to forgive over and over and over. I feel better for a bit and then it sneaks back. Overall it is progressively lighter but I still am not done 5 years later.

Fightingspirit posted 5/16/2013 16:34 PM

Well a full 24 hours hasn't gone by yet but so far I am happy I decided to text.

Now that I've said it out loud and shared it with someone else (the ex), I'm not going to go back on my word. I've forgiven and I can already see that I don't see things through my angry lens either. I kind of feel like a small weight has been lifted.

I know longer feel it is my responsibility to make him suffer. I'm done. I don't have to feed my anger or go out of my way to make a snide remark when one is well deserved.

I hope I keeping feeling this was the right decision. I certainly can't take the text back. He also responded and was contrite---but I am indifferent to his response.

MyVoice posted 5/16/2013 16:45 PM

Did he reply?

gma56 posted 5/16/2013 17:14 PM

I did the same about 1 yr after separation. I also did it for me. No regrets and no more anger. I don't accept what he did but it no longer is my burden that he dumped on me.

He never responded to me but told his son that "See it was for the best." He'll never get it and I don't care.
Gma

tabitha95 posted 5/16/2013 17:37 PM

I forgive you for lying to me, cheating on me, abandoning me and making me look and feel like a fool.

I'm not sure that you felt the effect of truly forgiving because what you wrote doesn't sound like you are over it. The words sound angry.

With that said...I don't feel the need to forgive EX. I don't forgive him for what he did and won't, he doesn't deserve it. I haven't got over what he did to me and I don't think the "idea" of forgiving him will make me heal any differently.

I'm also not a religious person, so forgiveness is not engrained in me, so my thoughts may very from other's beliefs.

Sad in AZ posted 5/16/2013 20:16 PM

Not forgiving and perfectly at peace

It worked for you; that's great. It's just not my cup of tea.

PurpleRose posted 5/16/2013 20:35 PM

he does not deserve my "forgiveness" for what he has done to our family, and never will deserve it since he has just continued to be a big fucking asshole - growing larger by the day.

I will never forgive him for taking away my children's family, for spoiling their lives for such a long time, for taking away a very special time in my life where I had to deal with his selfish cheating ass instead of enjoying my life's dream come to fruition..

nope. He certainly deserves to rot in hell. And I know he will. Enjoy the heat babe!

Fightingspirit posted 5/16/2013 21:55 PM

He did reply. He thanked me and says that what he did weighs on his conscience everyday and for the rest of his life. He thanked me for being a good mom to our daughter.

The last part could make me mad but I've moved on.

Maybe I'm able to forgive because I realize someone (a higher power) did me a favor. I would never have divorced him if he had not f'ed up so royally. I would have stayed in what I now know to have been a passionless marriage for the rest of my life.

Now I get another chance to be happy. And I don't want my other chances to be clouded by an angry funk.

Perhaps I could have moved on without forgiving. But sending that text seemed to turn off the angry switch for me.

Runningaway posted 5/17/2013 02:04 AM

I forgave my ex. I didn't text him though, I told him while we were driving somewhere getting a kid thing done. It's about me being over it, not him deserving it.

I'm happy for you

It's nice to let go.

wannabenormal posted 5/17/2013 03:19 AM

It's really big of y'all that can do this.

I've forgiven XH in my mind to a degree, but I will never admit it to him out loud and the reason why is childish I suppose...

He's never once said he was sorry.

I have let go, but I simply cannot 'gift' him my forgiveness. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I feel okay and that's good!