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Never say Never

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Newlease posted 5/16/2013 11:46 AM

I am moving in with SO of 3 years. I really thought we had a perfect relationship living in separate homes. He is 65 and I am 52. He's been married 2x, me once to XWH. Neither of us see the need to marry again. We love each other and are completely committed to each other.

I am having some fear. I spent 25 years with XWH from age 19 to 44. We grew up together so I wasn't sure at all when we D who I was as an individual. I spent the last 8 years figuring it out.

I'm very comfortable with who I am now. I am worried about letting go of this new independent woman. When I was married, I compromised A LOT. I haven't had to compromise with a living companion as I learned about this "new" me.

I don't want to give up my individuality, but I don't want to be inflexible. It will take some adjustment to find that balance - to figure out what is worth holding the line on and what I should give on. I don't think it will be anything big - we mostly agree on the big things. But I know those little things can add up to a lot of stress if not handled properly.

I don't know what I'm asking for other than support as I embark on this new adventure. I'm not even sure when this will happen because we are both so damn busy and I need to sell my house.


Kajem posted 5/16/2013 11:52 AM

From my (longer then me) single friends in our age group... they tell me that once they found themselves as they got older they were less likely to let her go in a new relationship.

I am hoping that you discover the same is true for you.

Good luck and keep us posted on your NB 2.0.

wonderingbull posted 5/16/2013 12:27 PM

I'm sitting here cheering you on... It's a big step but one I'm sure you've weighed the pros and cons...

Keep us updated on what it's like...


stretch13 posted 5/16/2013 13:21 PM

i have had and still have the same fear...but it's not happening so far. so far, i see myself standing up for what i need, calmly (mostly) and firmly. mainly i just won't live with unresolved issues or eggshells. it gets challenging, we do conflict. many times i've winced, and then caught myself thinking, "it's the beginning of the end!!!" and been able to tamper the drama and the fear. sometimes it's me catching myself in my less wonderful moments and choosing differently. sometimes its not allowing myself to feel put in "my place," or controlled by others. i've had to maintain some discipline - whenever i start feeling uncomfortable with him for some reason, i try first to find the source of my reaction. i also make sure i'm not looking too critically at my relationship in efforts to avoid the scary parts of fulfilling myself first.

you'll be better at it this time. the work you've done on yourself will show. it has for me. i'm loving it here, though i remain vigilant about noticing old patterns or fears come up.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 1:22 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

gma56 posted 5/16/2013 14:43 PM

I wish you and your SO the best life together.
To find love and happiness again is truely a blessing !

You (I think your SO also) have the tools for a strong loving relationship that the young woman that married so many years ago didn't have a clue about.

we mostly agree on the big things. But I know those little things can add up to a lot of stress if not handled properly.

Some very important life lessons you learned the hard way NL.
Enjoy the journey of planning and getting the house sold. It's all for your future new chapter.


NaiveAgain posted 5/16/2013 14:48 PM

It is always a delicate balance to keep the best parts of ourselves while being open to change and compromise as we work to allow another person "in"

I think you will work it out. You are both completely committed to each other, so that tells me that even though it may take a little time and some getting used to, you will figure it out. Good luck on another "new beginning!"

NeverAgain2013 posted 5/16/2013 15:00 PM

Here's a piece of advice every woman should hear - don't let him turn you into the housemaid. Seems whenever a guy has a woman move in, he suddenly becomes crippled from that old war injury and can't even wipe his own ass.

So my advice?

Make sure he CONTINUES doing his own share, as he was doing before you moved in.

Unless he's a millionaire.

Then it's different.

Newlease posted 5/16/2013 15:06 PM

Thanks everyone!

I hashed out a lot of FOO issues in therapy after the D. My father was an alcoholic and the atmosphere growing up was (at times) very chaotic. Since I was the baby of my family and raised as virtually an only child, I often found myself in the role of peace-keeper.

That is something I fell into during my marriage. However, over the years resentment festered. Since I abhor conflict, I would become passive-aggressive. Not something that I'm proud of, nor do I want to slip into that mindset again.

We are very good at communication - SO has also learned a lot about himself and relationships over his lifetime and made changes.

Guess I just have to take the step and believe that we will work it all out. If not, I can and will take care of myself. Best lesson learned from this whole ordeal.


kernel posted 5/16/2013 18:46 PM

Awww, this is so sweet! I wish the best to you NL. It sounds like you've got a handle on how to do this and not lose yourself again. Yay!

wildbananas posted 5/16/2013 18:56 PM

Aw, congrats, NL... happy for you and SO.

InnerLight posted 5/17/2013 23:41 PM

Congrats NewLease. We are the same age and I also feel attached to my independence and addicted to not compromising in my living space. Still, it is really a new adventure for you as you have never lived with anyone being who you are now, and your SO is a more considerate man I think. You are a brave one and I wish you all the best.

nowiknow23 posted 5/17/2013 23:44 PM

Wishing you all the best as you start this next journey together.

seekingright2013 posted 5/19/2013 08:13 AM

Congratulations :)

Just a thought, have you considered renting your house out, at least for awhile, so you retain your options even as you transition to living with your SO?

I apologize if this comes off as cynical ... Just believe you should watch out for YOUR best interests.

If things go great, you can always sell down the road. If they don't ... You've got a place to return to.

Good luck and I hope it does go great for you and SO!

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