I tried to understand my WS brokenness so I asked him last night what his most major wound is. He said: I Don't Feel Loved. And I know that to be true, because long, long ago, when we were close and intimate, he would share his feelings with me to fairly deep levels. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with him, thinking him emotionally brave.
Long story but we had gotten off track in 2008 when affair started and I'm quite sure that he was not feeling loved by me. I was angry because he was not taking responsibility for his spending addiction which threatened to bankrupt us, but instead of facing up and dealing with his destructive spending problem, he ignored it, made me the nagging villain and went off and had a LTA love affair.
Torn. We're all broken in some way. Certainly were here are all feeling, or did feel broken! But his brokenness, well i just have a hard time accepting his 'Coping mechanism". I even resent affairs being called coping mechanisms because they are SO destructive that they should just be wrong and subject to criminal prosecution!
Thanks, you are all so helpful and I am so grateful for this group.
"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." is a great book for WS's. You may want to have your WS read it.
In order to feel loved, my W and her H (and, I bet, a large number of other WSes)have to recognize and accept the love they are given. They didn't/don't, and that's what's broken in them.
[This message edited by sisoon at 2:52 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]
Although the reasons were different, the situation that led to my As are similar to what you describe. In my opinion, it does sound like he was avoiding the problem and trying to deal/cope with it in a different way, which is exactly what I did.
It sounds very much like the relationship was broken in some ways, and unless those problems are dealt with, R simply won't work
I am hopeful but I feel like I'm dealing with an alcoholic scenario, which leads to true cynicism.
Healing wishes to all. Thank you.
My H has a history of personalizing any negative mood I may have. I can be angry about anything under the sun and somehow he equates it to mean that I am not only mad at him, but I obviously don't love him either. He is working on this finally, but it has been a bone of contention between us for years.
When I didn't leave my H after his A, I think it finally clicked with him that I really do love him. Especially after watching me go thru yrs of agony over his betrayal, when I could just walk away. Somehow he began to see me as less negative too (even tho I felt much more negative after the A than before...sheeeze). My H is slowly changing his perceptions about being loved. That and sometimes anger is just anger, and sometimes it's not even about him.
My H really bristles at the idea that he is broken. He also refuses to look too deeply into himself, afraid that he will go into some kind of abyss he can never return from. To me that says it all, there is obviously something he doesn't want to face.
Like you, long, long, ago I had a glimpse of my then bf's (now H's) brokenness. I must admit that's likely what ultimately made me fall for him. That is part of MY brokenness. And also part of why I stay, despite his refusal to look too deeply.
Whether he takes that last step or not, I have seen how my H is working on himself and making changes and seen his complete devotion to me. I have accepted that it's not my place to "fix" him. All I can do is love him and support him and try to "fix" me.