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TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/16/2013 12:04 PM

Hi. I read somewhere, maybe here, that people who have affairs are often "broken" and since they can't/don't know how to face their own brokenness, they seek comfort and distraction in an affair.

I tried to understand my WS brokenness so I asked him last night what his most major wound is. He said: I Don't Feel Loved. And I know that to be true, because long, long ago, when we were close and intimate, he would share his feelings with me to fairly deep levels. This is one of the reasons I fell in love with him, thinking him emotionally brave.

Long story but we had gotten off track in 2008 when affair started and I'm quite sure that he was not feeling loved by me. I was angry because he was not taking responsibility for his spending addiction which threatened to bankrupt us, but instead of facing up and dealing with his destructive spending problem, he ignored it, made me the nagging villain and went off and had a LTA love affair.

Torn. We're all broken in some way. Certainly were here are all feeling, or did feel broken! But his brokenness, well i just have a hard time accepting his 'Coping mechanism". I even resent affairs being called coping mechanisms because they are SO destructive that they should just be wrong and subject to criminal prosecution!

Thoughts anyone?
Thanks, you are all so helpful and I am so grateful for this group.

crazyblindsided posted 5/16/2013 14:31 PM

It sounds like your WH hasn't figured out the real why, which is within himself and should have nothing to do with you. In some way he used how you made him feel and he felt entitled or selfish enough to do what he did. It is never the BS fault. The WS are broken and need to find how to change those behaviors and 'coping mechanisms' so they don't permanently cause any more harm (even though they already did by having the A).

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair." is a great book for WS's. You may want to have your WS read it.

sisoon posted 5/16/2013 14:50 PM

OTOH, I think my W's biggest problem is that she never felt loved (or loving). She was loved, but she never accepted it. In other words, there's nothing I could have done that would have made my W feel loved, and - if TAOI's H is similar - there's nothing TAOI could have done for her H.

In order to feel loved, my W and her H (and, I bet, a large number of other WSes)have to recognize and accept the love they are given. They didn't/don't, and that's what's broken in them.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:52 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

Itstoohard posted 5/16/2013 18:10 PM

Sisoon-,that makes so much sense to me. I have read alot of your posts.I find you very wise. I can see that being an issue of my h.
Question: can it be fixed?

Jeyana posted 5/16/2013 18:51 PM

Wasn't feeling loved by you. Seeking his self worth in how much he assumes another person loves him? Ah yes, sounds like my wayward. Looking for his self worth in the reflection of someone's adoration. Yes that is broken, and filled with a neediness that is obviously destructive. I come from a very broken place myself, although I have not acted out with affairs. I am co-dependent. Also in my youth I had a terrible coping skill of bashing my fists against things when in emotional pain. Very destructive, and I assume frightening for people around me. Yes I knew it was dysfunctional. Yes I could have talked it out. Yes I did turn my fists to hamburger after DD1. Why? Because I didn't know what else to do. Well..I did..but, I wanted that instant action. I knew what I was doing, and did it anyway. It was all about me and what I could do. It was getting out that anguish, that hate, that pain. Completely different situations I know. But yes, when we come from broken places, we have very destructive coping and acting out. It's not an excuse by a long shot. Healing that brokenness is about owning our shit, facing it, talking about it, having remorse about what we have done, and moving on to healthier ways of living. It is the hardest thing that a person can do in my opinion.

MyBiggestFailure posted 5/16/2013 19:39 PM

I'm a WS, for perspective.

Although the reasons were different, the situation that led to my As are similar to what you describe. In my opinion, it does sound like he was avoiding the problem and trying to deal/cope with it in a different way, which is exactly what I did.

It sounds very much like the relationship was broken in some ways, and unless those problems are dealt with, R simply won't work

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/16/2013 21:41 PM

Thanks so much everyone. In the case of my wayward, his "don't feel loved" feeling goes waaaayyy beyond our relationship and is waaaay more about his relationship with himself. Thats not to discount issues present in our relationship, but in this case his spending addiction as a way to cope with his unloved self propelled me into a very unhappy camper, which worked to feed his "not loved" feeling, And his lack of consciousness about all this "allowed" him to seek the seemingly easy solution in an LTA. I don't want to sound like I am without faults as I am well aware and happy to learn more about my imperfections so I can always grow....but in this case, I was loving, caring, sought numerous types of money management help (obviously not the right kind). And then I got fed up. And he exited. But didn't tell me.

I am hopeful but I feel like I'm dealing with an alcoholic scenario, which leads to true cynicism.

Healing wishes to all. Thank you.

sisoon posted 5/17/2013 09:36 AM

IMO, it takes a leap of faith to switch from disliking to loving oneself, but it can be one - and should be done. virtually all of us - probably every one of us - is loving and lovable.

hopefullromantic posted 5/17/2013 15:41 PM

My H wasn't feeling loved by me at the time his A started too. As it so happened I utterly adored the man at the time (I never stopped loving him after the A, but I'm only now starting to feel the adoration again). There were many stressors going on in our lives at the time tho, and one of his justifications for his A was that I had become negative (and maybe I was, at least somewhat), which to him equated to me not loving him.

My H has a history of personalizing any negative mood I may have. I can be angry about anything under the sun and somehow he equates it to mean that I am not only mad at him, but I obviously don't love him either. He is working on this finally, but it has been a bone of contention between us for years.

When I didn't leave my H after his A, I think it finally clicked with him that I really do love him. Especially after watching me go thru yrs of agony over his betrayal, when I could just walk away. Somehow he began to see me as less negative too (even tho I felt much more negative after the A than before...sheeeze). My H is slowly changing his perceptions about being loved. That and sometimes anger is just anger, and sometimes it's not even about him.

My H really bristles at the idea that he is broken. He also refuses to look too deeply into himself, afraid that he will go into some kind of abyss he can never return from. To me that says it all, there is obviously something he doesn't want to face.

Like you, long, long, ago I had a glimpse of my then bf's (now H's) brokenness. I must admit that's likely what ultimately made me fall for him. That is part of MY brokenness. And also part of why I stay, despite his refusal to look too deeply.

Whether he takes that last step or not, I have seen how my H is working on himself and making changes and seen his complete devotion to me. I have accepted that it's not my place to "fix" him. All I can do is love him and support him and try to "fix" me.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 5/20/2013 19:44 PM

thanks everyone and hopefullromantic. yes i do wish i could find and work on my brokenness so that i do not find myself entirely broken in a different way again. how oh how to remove whatever it is about me that attracts people who WILL hurt me. If I only knew.... how to fix it!!!!! It's actually terrifying to feel that you're just a target for another liar or cheater or other unredeemable character! ugh. thanks for everyone and everything.