He went No contact although he was still talking to her on the down low.
So he didn't go NC.
gently, face reality.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Welcome. I'm sorry that you needed to find us, but I'm glad that you DID find us for support. If you haven't already, take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, click on The Healing Library, and start reading. Also read any posts in this forum that have a bulls-eye next to them. I would especially recommend the "Tactical Primer."
Document every time this cra-cra OW contacts you, and get it back to the police and request a RO (restraining order). This way, if she continues, you can make her face the legal consequences of her harassement.
It's pretty common, right now, to be uncertain of what exactly you want. Please try to detatch from the situation a bit (in The Healing Library it's called the 180) and use this weekend to figure out what exactly you need from your WH to consider letting him continue to be in this marriage. Right off the bat, the first no-brainer is that there can be only two in a marriage, not three. He goes complete NC with her no physical contact, no emails, no texting, no looking her up on facebook, no passing comments thru mutual "friends," etc., or you will re-evaluate if you want to stay in the marriage or not. Figure out exactly what you need and what the consequences will be if he is unwilling to commit to those needs. Look at actions right now his words are just meaningless sounds because, well, he's a liar and liars lie.
This is a hard thing, but it needs to be done. You need to call your doctor and ask for a complete STD/HIV screening. He also needs to submit to one. And no sexual contact until after you get the results back. Even if he used a condom every time, even if he swears that there was no sex, because well, he's a liar and liars lie. I'm so sorry, this is such a hard thing to hear.
Please come back often for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012