SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My wife is in so much pain and without any hope. I don't know what to do or say.

We're just over two years past the final d-day when I gave full disclosure, which itself was almost a year after the affair had ended, although my wife was under the impression it had ended months before this (yes, I'm despicable). She has been in constant depression since then really, which has only gotten worse thanks in no small part to the fact that I seem incapable of consistently doing the things she needs me to do to heal. It's not for the lack of wanting. I feel genuine remorse and shame for the choices I made but can't seem to show it in the ways she needs me to show it. I wish beyond all measure that I could because it could help alleviate all the stress both of us, but primarily her, are suffering from as a result of my past actions. I can feel my body start to shut down when I hear her cry, as though it just can't face the torment I have put her through. It's like a coping mechanism I have somehow developed.

My wife is from the US, who has lived with me in the UK since 2004. As my story explains, she is very isolated here. She has no friends here (neither of us have any friends really), is away from all her family and only has a couple of members from my side of the family she sees regularly, but for obvious reasons to her they are my family, not hers. She fell pregnant with our (nearly) 3 year old son during the affair and gave up her career to look after him full-time. As a consequence she is house-bound all day. She has started to fear leaving the house at all for any reason unless I am with them, she loves our son to bits but often feels resentment towards him as she was never in a place where she wanted kids (we were both very careless during the affair due to the emotional turmoil I was putting us through). But she's in an impossible situation. She doesn't want to stay with me but if she leaves it either means a) her living alone here, making her completely isolated or b) move back to the US. She is adamant she doesn't feel capable of being a single mom and I understand her reasons for that, but neither does she want to be the mother who abandoned her child. She has no career to rely upon here to live alone in the UK, she has no friends to confide in here, shes not very close to her family in the US anyway, she spends all day in the house I brought the OW to (with my wife's permission). She's basically trapped here with me with no alternatives.

Whenever she tells me all of this I am at a loss for words. I tell her how sorry I am to have brought this situation on her, or how I'm sorry for her pain, but I clam up due to fear that anything I say beyond that point will make things worse. I don't want to lose her, I love her deeply and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I am the sinner and if she wants to leave me then I would support her any way I can. But my past actions/choices coupled with my dire attempts to help her heal since the affair have basically meant she cannot believe a word I say, understandably.

What can I possibly do or say to help her stop hurting so much? How can I help lead her out of this impossible situation? She has suffered enough on my account. I'm in need of some advice, if there is even any to give in a situation like this. Plenty of people have had affairs and been victims of adultery, but how many have so few options? Some I'm sure, but not many :-(

I know I only have myself to blame for not 'getting it' sooner. Despite going through IC and being honest with me wife, I've failed to listen to her when she's told me what I can do to help. I didn't use these forums enough, I didn't do enough background reading, I didn't improve on keeping my word (a flaw I've had my whole life of making promises I often fail to keep, although I am working on this much harder now), I can't seem to show remorse in the ways that truly mean the most to her (despite the fact I feel remorseful). I am an utter failure and she is the one who suffers most because of it :-(

[This message edited by Derailedblazer at 6:05 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

Just a thought...buy why can't you both move to the States? Presuming you haven't mentioned that as an option for some reason which must be obvious, but which isn't a part of your post...so...why not?

That would seem to be one way you could show your commitment to your BW in helping her to find her footing again. She doesn't have to be close with her family to feel some familiarity in her life again by just being in the same vicinity as people she has know her whole life.

Just a thought...

[This message edited by BaxtersBFF at 10:26 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

I must admit I hadn't thought about that as an option, but it might be too late for that as I don't think she has any feelings for me anymore. And who could blame her? :-/