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We are divorcing...why do I want her to at least feel sorry?

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Angelback posted 5/16/2013 18:14 PM

First time here and so glad I found this forum. 17 yr marriage, kids 16, 14, 12 and 9. Dday was about 6 weeks ago and as I look back she followed the exact same pattern as most of the cheaters I am reading about.

We are going to divorce and I am sure have an ugly custody fight. As far as the A I believe I am doing better than most here, but what is really pissing me off is that she shows no remorse about what she has done. I got a text one day with an "I'm sorry" and that is pretty much it.

She even gave me a going away present (antibiotics were able to clear it up). After I told her about that her response was "Oh I did not know I had that".

I do not love her anymore, she disgusts me. But why does it make me so angry that she does not care?

dontknowanymore1 posted 5/16/2013 18:17 PM

hi, im angry that my ex didn't feel sorry either, I think that I want or need him to be sorry, so that I know that the time we were together before he cheated meant something to him too??

don't know if that makes sense its very late here in England!!

Phoenix1 posted 5/16/2013 18:40 PM

At least you got a text with an "I'm sorry." That's more than I ever got!

They don't care and have no remorse because, IMHO, they have no conscience or morals. Well, they may have the morals of an alley cat, but that is about it. They don't see anything wrong with what they have done because they are able to justify their actions to themselves, even if that means re-writing the history of the marriage or simply deluding themselves with their own fabrications. They don't feel they have to justify their actions to you or anyone else.

I got a cold-hearted "do what you gotta do" after confrontation #2. And I am doing just that. But yes, it still makes me angry that he does not care or has so little regard for me after all our years together. I simply could not be that cold to another human being (or animal) so I can't wrap my brain around his own thoughts and actions. We are just wired differently... *sigh*

Angelback posted 5/16/2013 18:53 PM

I know with all I have to deal with this might seem like a trivial matter to be upset about, and maybe down deep if I knew she were really sorry it might make things a little bit easier. But most days I just hope she gets killed in a car wreck on the way to work. OK....deep breath, anger is bad.....

kernel posted 5/16/2013 19:59 PM

((Angelback)) I'm sorry you're in the same craptastic situation that landed all of us here.

I don't agree that the anger is all bad. When I finally hit the anger stage, it gave me the energy to get out of limbo and get the divorce done. For the moment, let it keep you moving on creating your own life away from her. As long as the anger is not affecting other areas of your life, use it.

As for why you want her remorse? My reason for wanting it from my X was because I wanted to know that I mattered to him, in some fucking way after 25 years of marriage. Well, I never got that remorse and finally realized that I didn't need him to validate my worth. I matter to my kids, my family, my friends. Fuck him.

It's so early for you. You will cycle through so many emotions in the coming months. Roller coaster is the perfect description. Be kind to yourself and cherish your kids. ((Angelback))

Pass posted 5/16/2013 22:06 PM

Angelback, on March 1, I left my wife (also after 17 years of marriage), and have also been waiting for some remorse over the way she treated me.

I've been wanting some indication that she was the woman I thought she was. So far, nothing. It's a good thing I wasn't holding my breath.

All I've received so far is cruelty. It would just be nice to know that I mattered. I expect that is what you're waiting for too.

Jrazz posted 5/16/2013 22:10 PM

Welcome to SI, Angelback.

I think you want her to feel sorry because it is humiliating and insulting that someone could treat you the way that you did and not let it affect their conscience in any way. We've somehow tied our worth to the way people treat us, and we need to unlearn that to build back our inner strength.

Breathing is good. Anger is hard to avoid, but you're on the right path.

I'm glad you found us. We can help you through this.

Dawn58 posted 5/17/2013 02:13 AM

I know that I am so angry because I did care and I did love the man I thought I married. I am angry because I would never treat someone I love the way he treated me.

The truth is, this whole thing has nothing to do with me. He doesn't care about me anymore and now I wonder if he ever loved me.

I am angry that I got dumped so quickly and he moved on so quickly. I am angry that I never mattered to him, the marriage didn't matter to him.

I am angry that he is not the man I married, the man who promised to honor me, to cherish me and take care of me. I kept my vows, the promise I made to him and he has rewritten the history of the marriage, characterized me as some cold heart bitch who only used him.

He devastated me, smashed my heart to pieces, tore my world apart and no remorse, no apology. Just said that he never meant to hurt me. Right........i would just love knowing that he was fucking somebody else.

We have a lot to be angry about......

stronger08 posted 5/17/2013 04:16 AM

What all of us BS need to keep in mind is that the WS has already taken the time to detach and make their decision to move on. Wasting your time looking for any remorse is fruitless. Sure it sucks and the pain fucking hurts. One would think the WS could have at least informed us of what their plan was. It just goes to show you how selfish they really are. On the brightside, and yes there is a brightside. She has made her decision and her plans based on a frigging fantasy. She thinks she has the upper hand and has this whole plan sewed up nicely. But she does not. Fantasy does not do well in the real world. And whats better is that your in a position to make her reality as harsh as possible. She needs to experience firsthand that life on her own will not be easy. That there are consequences to her actions. Im sure she has placed much of her future happiness on the fact that OM will be there. Which we all know chances are he will bail as soon as she is available. And the fact that she could always use you as her fall back plan. And thats where you come in. Do not allow her to make you plan B. Do not support in anyway her lifestyle once she walks out the door. Not financially, emotionally or even friendly. You pay her when and if the courts say you do. And only what they order you to pay. If you have children make sure they are taken care of. As was said see an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities are. Do not engage her in matters that dont include the kids or finances. NC is a must and you need to start concentrating on your happiness. Expose what she is doing and prepare for the onslaught of lies and rewriting marital history. Make sure the truth is out there before she gets a chance to demean you. Protect and insulate you and the kids from the fallout that will follow. Let the rest fall into place. Trust me once she is naked outside in the cold (Figure of speech) life wont be so good for her. She is placing all her eggs in a basket full of lies and fantasy. Let her skip merrilly out the door. Life will take care of the rest.

wonderpets posted 5/17/2013 04:28 AM

I feel for you. Your last sentence describes exactly how I felt- no love, just anger at being tossed away.

It went away after six months or so, for the most part. After a year I still have a little, but not the all consuming rage.

sparklingwater posted 5/17/2013 04:53 AM

Thanks for posting this topic Angelback. I'm sorry you are in the situation you are right now. Like you, I'm struggling with the fact that my Wbf didn't/doesn't care, and how he is able to move on so quickly while I am stuck in sad depression land.

All I can say is good on us, for loving freely and totally, for not cheating on them and for having a fucking clear conscious. We were WAY better than they deserved. In the long run we will be better off without them. We just have to allow ourselves to heal, and hopefully soon will stop torturing ourselves with the "why" questions.

wannabenormal posted 5/17/2013 04:56 AM

Of course you want her to feel sorry..or hell, SOMETHING! She took your life and turned it upside down, then said peace out.

Of course that's awful, especially when you're blindsided. Then add the kids to's just terrible.

Know it's really not you; it's her. It takes a long time to get there, but you'll see; sorry or not, she was wrong.

pjkmkjm23 posted 5/17/2013 05:12 AM

Angelback....I too wanted to see some kind of remorse or regret (I did somewhat after her first 'known' A - but now I wonder if that was even real) the very least even some hesitation from her to know that she's at least struggling with her decision. Nope, nada, nothing. I didn't even get a "sorry". I'm pretty much to the point I don't care anymore - well, mostly. I think she can't show me any of this because then she'd have to admit at least a little that her new life isn't the perfect fantasy she believes it is....and that she wants everyone to believe. She's so busy trying to portray to the world that her and OM are so incredibly happy and that they are soul mates destined to be any expense....even the kids.

I've had many people tell me they had to remove her from FB and/or limit if not outright cutoff contact with her because they're sick of hearing how happy she is. No M or R is as perfect as she is trying so hard to portray. A common thought people express to me is who is she really trying to convince about her happiness and how much all the destruction was worth it! She's a middle age woman acting worse than teenagers in love for the first time "you hang up", "no, you hang up" kind of R

As you've been told, you're in for a hell of a roller coaster ride. Strap yourself in and hang on tight! At least you found a great place in SI to help you through any of this if/when you need it. Good luck brother

Angelback posted 5/17/2013 06:11 AM

Thanks all for the replies. I have spent all my time and energy the last 10 years running my business and taking care of the family, i have no social life and this forum is great therapy. I have been sleeping better, working out and making myself eat healthy food. My Dr. wanted to put me on antidepressants but that was not for me, so he gave me some Xanax and that seems to help thru the roughest times, but I want to move past needing that as well. I am still in shock at how many people are going thru this and how the stories are so incredibly similar in regard to the WS actions as this thing developed. Love to all !

mchercheur posted 5/17/2013 06:29 AM

One would think the WS could have at least informed us of what their plan was. It just goes to show you how selfish they really are.

If WH had told me before we got married :
"I promise to be faithful to you unless/until I meet another woman who I want to have sex with"
I would never have married him
& put my career on hold so that I could give birth to & raise our 4 children.

Welcome to SI (((Angelback))). Sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs. You will find a lot of comfort here.

Sue1964 posted 5/17/2013 07:19 AM

That's all I wanted my h to feel sorry and understand what he's done to me and our lads.
But it's like yeh I did it get over it should of been a better wife.

Angelback posted 5/17/2013 08:00 AM

I am so sorry for your pain. These forums helped me to realize early on there was no need to try and R and that is why I am divorcing now rather than waste any more my time and energy. If someone has that kind of attitude it seems to me there would be little left to fight for. Good Luck!

allatsea posted 5/17/2013 08:09 AM

I need to hear it. I need to know my marriage did mean something to her, once

2yrs+recovering posted 5/17/2013 08:28 AM

I do not love her anymore, she disgusts me. But why does it make me so angry that she does not care?

Sometimes I wish this is the way I felt about FWH. I cared way tooo much. At times, looking back it would have been much easier to go our separate ways, our children were grown. But if I were your age with an unremorseful spouse, I would have ended it immediately.

Recovery is very difficult, 4 yrs out for me and it is still hard every day, because I love the jerk!!!

On another note Xanax is still an occaisional best friend. Just try not to take it every day. I did the first year, I would not take the anti-depressant prescribed as I knew I was not depressed, just anxious and heart broken.

Be kind to yourself.

StillGoing posted 5/17/2013 08:38 AM

IMO you're angry because even though you feel you don't love her anymore, she was a significant part of your life and for her to devalue that to such a degree is offensive on some level - rather than seeing it as a statement about herself, you see it as a statement about your life together and the memories you personally can still look at fondly.

Just guessing there, I don't know what actually goes on inside your head. I'm not a full Jedi yet.


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